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What does it mean when someone identifies as "part of the LGBT community" and not gay or bi?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by qtp, Nov 23, 2019.

  1. qtp

    qtp
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    I've a few people who have said this. There's a guy that wants to hookup who is out, has a boyfriend in an open relationship, but won't say if he's bi or gay, just "part of the LGBT community". No one really knows how he identifies. I want to ask him but I don't want to be rude. What do you think? Do you think he's in the bi sexual closet or just doesn't like labels for some reason? Why would someone identify this way in your opinion?
     
  2. Regaen

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    Well, the + in LGBT+ means a lot of things. If people used the whole series of letters it would look like a cat sat on a keyboard. One of those is 'ally' meaning, someone who is supportive, but isn't gay, lesbian, trans, etc. Themselves. That could be it.
     
  3. qtp

    qtp
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    Thanks for the reply. I hear where you're coming from, but this guy has a boyfriend. He's out. Most people consider him gay, but he himself just says he's part of the LGBT community. I don't want to question him on how he comfortably identifies, so I thought I'd ask it here. I wonder what would motivate some people to only identify as part of the LGBT community, even if they're out.
     
  4. warholwendy

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    Possibly they don't really wanna label themselves but want to communicate that they're not straight.
     
  5. qtp

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    Yeah, this guy isn't straight, he has a bf in an open relationship. His friends and family know his boyfriend, too. I just don't get why someone wouldn't want to label.
    It seems more like he's ashamed somehow. I ask because he wants to hookup with me but I don't want to get hurt. I also don't want to hurt him by asking. Thanks
     
  6. Regaen

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    Sexuality might not matter to him. Pansexuals are attracted to specific traits, and don't regard gender. If he is pansexual, maybe he doesn't want to explain it. It can get annoying... Pansexuality, like some of the other, rarer terms, isn't as widely know. People today know gay, lesbian, and trans. Anything outside even that, and you have to explain it all the time, which is very, very draining.
     
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  7. Zancakes

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    I'm only recently playing around with labels myself, as I've kinda just done my thing since I came out way back when. For most of my adult life I would've described myself in a similar way, just because there weren't a lot of words that fit for me. I knew I was male, I knew was feminine, and I knew that I was attracted to men. Some of us are just sort of... around the margins, I suppose? While my sexuality is what it is, my gender identity has been a mystery to myself as much as others and for a long time, there just weren't words that really fit. Sounds like this person may be in the same boat with their sexuality.
     
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  8. HM03

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    Perhaps I'm ignorant, but I've always thought of queer as an umbrella term for LGBT+, so my main question is wouldn't saying queer is just as "Vague" but simpler than saying "well I'm apart of LGBT+ community"?

    Perhaps he identifies with a label that most people don't know or respect and is tired of having to explain it or having people make jokes about it (ie Pansexual). Maybe he identifies with multiple labels (ie some nonbinary label, ace and bi). Maybe he know how he feels, but doesn't know of a label to accurately describe it and doesn't feel like explaining in length.

    Honestly, I don't often out myself as gay. I'll just say something that makes it obvious I like guys and then people just [correctly] assume I'm gay. I'm not really sure why I don't say I'm gay more often. I think it's because everybody has things they think when they hear gay (depends on the person) and it feels less like I'm being shoved into a box with stereotypes and misconceptions when I just mention guys, rather than use gay. Obviously, if asked point blank, then yeah, I'll say gay.
     
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  9. Chip

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    It could be someone who has bought into one of the many unrecognized labels, or the tiny-but-loud community of people that insist on creating unnecessary complexity because they want to feel special. Or (and this is probably more likely) it is someone who is still going through the stages of loss and isn't ready to identify as gay yet.

    It's funny the things that people do in the bargaining phase to rationalize to themselves that they don't have to let go of the straight identity yet. This, most likely, is part of that.
     
  10. Zancakes

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    Yeah, queer is the usual go-to and it is simpler than some of the more convoluted labels, but as you mentioned, even that might not fit his own self-perception. If he's still in the questioning space, which I think is likely, all of these labels and descriptors are just harmless means towards self-awareness, IMO.

    I think your 'more likely' scenario is probably about right. Some people just like playing with labels, and some people live and die by making special-snowflake ones, but this guy seems more like the five-stages self-questioner who hasn't quite accepted things yet.
     
  11. qtp

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    Thanks again for all of your replies.



    That sounds very likely for some of the other people I have met who label this way, but this guy is confusing me now more than ever. I just found out that he asked his bf to marry him at Thanksgiving dinner!! His family is thrilled and they are planning the wedding as I type. Despite this, he texted me again yesterday to hook up, and he repeated that he's in an open relationship with his fiancee. I asked if I could speak to his fiancee about it, and his fiancee texted me and said that he was open to that. So the guy that wants to hook up with me is marrying a man, but when I asked him AGAIN what he identified as, he repeated, "I'm part of the community. Didn't you already ask me that?" Oh man, I just don't know what to make of this guy. It sounds like he might be something other than gay at this point, like pan as another poster mentioned. Do you guys think I should still go for it? He's so confusing but I like him.