Hello everyone, I'm not really sure where to begin, other than I think I need help. I am 30 years old, and for the past 30 years I have been in denial about my sexuality. Until recently, at least to my face, nobody has ever guessed or been the wiser. I have only ever dated girls, but in every relationship, sans one, I have been somewhat miserable. I have always chalked it up to the fact that I am an introvert, and I definitely need solid "alone time" in order to not go crazy. However, subconsciously I think I have also been miserable in relationships because I am gay. Until recently I have done anything to make it not so. Even as I write this I know how terrible it sounds, but if I somehow found a genie in a bottle, my first wish would be to be straight (or at the very least asexual). To be clear, I am completely fine with gay people, and all of my friends know me as a huge (and somewhat annoying) proponent of gay rights. Still, I wish that the fake gay-therapy or something would work to make me straight, or even remove the whole "sexuality" aspect from my life. I did say until recently, and that is because I have moments where I feel as though I can accept who I am, though I don't really know the path forward. But then I have days where it weighs on me. Actually I worry that the weight of it all is making me spiral into a clinical depression. I know that I am in severe denial. While I have had sexual experiences with girls, I know that I am not really attracted to them. When I go to the gym I can't help myself but to look at the guys, and i hardly notice girls. Additionally (and forgive me for being crude here), throughout my adult life, whenever I look at porn, it is gay porn. So obviously I am not bisexual either. And I have had sexual encounters with men, but they have nearly always been between once and a handful of times with one guy before I move on to the next random, usually anonymous encounter. These are a destructive and dangerous direction that I do not want to go in any more. About three months ago I was at a bar after having a few too many, and I didnt realize that I was staring at one dude. He saw me and very obviously (from across the room) said "I have a girlfriend." At that moment I realized what I had been doing (unintentionally) and got really embarrassed and flustered. I immediately left, and over the next week I spiraled into a depression, my self esteem plummeted to essentially zero, and felt incredible guilt (the catholic in me is showing). Finally it lifted for the most part. Then on Tuesday (3 days ago) I was at an acquaintance's birthday, and a girl I loosely know, and just discovered that night that she is in a same-sex relationship asked me point blank if I was gay, and I said yes. It seems that most people seem to feel extreme relief when something like that happens, but I find myself cycling back through the shame/guilt/depression cycle because of it. I know this is a long and rambling post, but I know I need to talk to someone about this, even if it is just talking into a void to get it off my chest. And I don't really know what I want to get out of this, but I do think I need help. Sorry to be such a downer, Matt PS: Please excuse typos or errors in this. I would normally proof-read it, but I am already getting cold feet about posting this, and I think I need to do it before I change my mind.
First, let me tell you that you're not alone. There are countless people who could tell a similar tale to yours. I think the fact that your'e posting here means that your denial isn't as deep as you think it might be. It's time to accept who you are and start living your life. You will feel a lot better when you do. The beginning of this journey is difficult and scary, but it becomes easier as you begin to accept yourself and you find others who accept you too. It sounds like you have already found an ally in the girl that you came out to at the birthday party. Given that she's in a gay relationship, she might be able to give you advice on how and where to meet the right people. She undoubtedly had some of the same feelings at some point that you are feeling right now. Get in touch with her and see if she is willing to talk to you. I bet she is. Good luck. And remember you're not alone.
Good for you for posting, TallMatt, and welcome to EC! Every story is unique in its particulars, and yet every story has some pretty universal themes. You are living the great story of this site, which is self-discovery, acceptance and hope for a better future. Keep posting, keep questioning, and share with us your own adventure of self-awareness, we are all the stronger for having the courage to face the mirror.
Although I'm only 19, I can relate to so much of what you said. The Catholic guilt and shame, the denial despite looking at gay porn, the trying things out with girls and the people around me starting to ask questions...I guess I was too young to do the random encounters bit, but otherwise our stories are parallel, besides age. This reads a lot like my feelings last November, and I can say that the last 10-11 months have been incredible in terms of self growth and discovery and I have no regrets in coming out. I've ran into problems with my parents, something you may be able to avoid in terms of being independent (I'm making assumptions based on your age). But seriously, you've come to the right place, and I know things will work out for you. You know you're gay and don't seem to be in much denial and have already told somebody! You have a leg up on so many people by the time they come to this site! You should be very proud to have the courage in making steps to be who you are. Good luck with your journey, I know everybody on EC will be able to help you so much.
Matt, there is nothing to be ashamed about being who you are. Now that you know who you are, you are ready to network out and find a circle of friends who will accept you for who you are, which will probably include some of your current friends when you are ready to tell them. You might want to try a different bar though, one where if someone responds back negatively it will be to say "I have a boyfriend". If you have specific questions or just want to vent, then do it here, where you can do so anonymously, but if you feel that you can't break these cycles of depression, it might be time to talk to a professional counselor who can interact with you conversationally and in more detail. You might also follow up with any gay friends and use them to expand your circle of friends; at your age, it is time to find someone you really care about and move into a deeper relationship instead of anonymous encounters you have been experiencing. Once you get beyond the guilt trip your religion has laid upon you needlessly, you can focus on finding someone to think about positively instead of worrying about what you are doing "wrong" (which is "nothing").
