Was sure I was a lesbian but now not so sure...

For me it seems to be very person-specific. I wish we didn’t have to think about the labels. I identify as lesbian right now because I’m in love with a woman. I don’t think I can totally rule out anyone based on gender though, so technically I guess I’m pan or bi.

 

I'm the same way as this but from a male perspective. Ultimately attraction depends on the person, including physical and nonphysical features. While I'm more toward the gay end of the spectrum my attractions to women are not infrequent. Perhaps just going with your feelings and not worrying as much about the labels would be helpful?

 

I'm sorry that this is messing with you. It can be a comfort to know what we are and a label can help sometimes. But maybe the label just doesn't really apply and in the end it just doesn't matter.

I look at it this way. It's a gift that you are capable of developing attractions based on the person and not the sex. Maybe that's a good thing because maybe that's who you are.

 

Maybe you are biromantic? I get the feeling that some lesbians and gay men identify as such because it’s simply easier even though occasionally they might actually be attracted, either sexually or romantically, to the opposite sex.

Could you imagine having sex with this man or was it more of an emotional connection?

Anyway, sorry it’s messing with your head. If you can maybe try not to focus on the label too much that might help?

 

@Lindsey23 Labels can be so frustrating. We're humans and we love to simplify things, but sexuality is just complex. Some questions you might ask yourself are, can you picture yourself being happy with a man? Are you worried more about what other people think (ie. if you've identified as lesbian to others but feel you could date a man if it was the right person)? I struggle with similar thoughts, but I try to remind myself that labels are human creations, and it's not "wrong" for me to have occasional feelings that seem to conflict with my sexual orientation (indeed, it's probably normal to an extent), as long as I'm at peace with myself. I hope you find some peace with this too.

I think there's a lot of truth in this. I'm still attached to my husband even though the idea of sex with a man has become repulsive for me. I like his physical touch (like cuddling) but don't feel the need for more than that and wonder if it's become more of a need for human touch and connection than a physically intimate relationship. I can still hold him and certain male friends in warm regard and care very much about them, but the idea of taking it to a sexual or romantic level is...difficult.

 

I can also relate. I was in love with a man for a few years and it really confused me. I think if I hadn't met him I would have worked out my attractions for women a lot sooner. I still see some men that I find attractive and want to flirt with and even kiss. However, I also did try and sleeping with men and never really did much for me so I definitely think I'm bi-romantic.
Labels can be annoying but maybe you don't need to be so fixed with the label either. I find identifying as lesbian right now is really helping me to explore and understand my attraction to women but it doesn't need to be completely fixed either, we're the ones in the driving seat!

I also worry about deceiving people but you know, we've just got to let that go because we could literally waste our whole lives trying to please others.

Some people identify as gay and then they realise they are bi and vice versa. Or some people identify as asexual and then realise they are gay or vice versa. Maybe try and see it as a journey that you're on and don't get too bogged down by the label that you are using.

 

Bi-romantic is probably more common than society likes to admit. Additionally, some men are the sort of feminine we may be attracted to, and some women are the sort of masculine we might be attracted to. It blurs everything up.

I guess my advice is this, if you look at yourself from a strictly sexual aspect, and you are attracted to women, perhaps a sexual relationship with a man would not be as fulfilling. If that is the case, ask yourself, is this a sacrifice I am willing to make, both in identification and intimacy, or do we both deserve more?

Personally, the sexual pleasure I experienced with any man was a struggle to achieve and required active meditation on my part during intercourse. Even then, it only happened when I knew that he was enjoying me, like it was a gift to have sex. The whole time I was either performing for him, or desperately detaching from myself enough to be able to climax, often with frustrating results. With women, that is not the case sexually and, because I am single now, I would not "settle" for a romance with a man, simply because I know this about myself and it is not a form of enduring gratification I'm willing to sacrifice anymore long-term. I have had to mend some bigotry in my mind against women, but that has been worth it, both for myself and my relationships.

It is up to you! There's no right or wrong here. It's good to be careful and weigh how you feel and try to envision future paths. Sometimes we need to stick a toe (or a even a leg) in the water before jumping in.

 

It's funny because the way that you describe intimacy with a man is similar to how I felt about it and yet I identify as gay and I feel it is a good fit for me. Just shows how grey the labels really can be. Sometimes I wonder if I am bisexual but I know deep down that I am much more attracted to women.

 

Yeah, labels suck. However, you could just label yourself Lesbian and still recognize that the world is more complicated than simple labels. Or... you don't have to accept any label. If asked or if explaining yourself, you could say "mostly lesbian." Or you could skip the label and go with a description "I can only see myself having a long-term relationship with another woman." Personally, I'm not a fan of labels. They never seem to feel quite right.

 

Very true observation! Bi is easier for me right now because of where I am with my life transition. I have children and ended a marriage several years ago. He was one of my best friends, and is again, now that dust has settled. For now, it helps me honor what that relationship was to me. I have always felt this way about women, but I have not had an "official" relationship with a woman yet. My early experiences were tainted by the awkwardness of youth and denial. So, for now I consider myself bi. If my life had been lived differently, it would most likely be lesbian, and perhaps someday, it will be.

 

Yes, I went through a period of thinking/saying I was bi when I finished my relationship for a while. It was weird because I really didn't find myself attracted to many men before that relationship and after it my attractions to men were very fleeting, like they would last a few hours or days and then I'd be done. I actually haven't been with a woman yet but I just kind of know I feel a lot more deeply around women, it's hard to describe but I just feel much more drawn to women but it's annoying because I'm not really in a place where I can meet a lot of bi/gay women so I'm basing it all on feelings really but I've been with enough men to know that it just doesn't work for me, even if sometimes they can look attractive initially.

 

Yes, I can really relate to how you feel about men vs women. I suppose another reason for saying I'm bi vs lesbian is because, *I* know how I feel about women, and if I have the good fortune of dating a woman, she would come to know that as well, but when it comes to actually meeting her, I have felt that representing my situation as strictly lesbian is off-putting and fosters skepticism, which I definitely wish to avoid. So, it's not just to honor my life experiences, but it seems to represent social expectation better (for now) as well. I guess it is easier to emphasize how you feel from a broader definition, than to defend it from a stricter one.

 

That's interesting, why do you think that representing yourself as lesbian when dating is off-putting? Is it because you were married and had children? Lots of people get married and have children and then realise that they are gay. Are you worried about judgements from other bi/gay women?
Now I'm thinking maybe I should refer to myself as bi, haha! I think the thing that swings it for me is that I know that I just only really want to sleep with women. It is so confusing though! Hopefully in the future there wont be any labels anymore and we can all just be attracted to whoever we want organically and without judgement.

 

Oh, no! Didn't mean to muddy the waters more! If you are in an area with few LGBTQ+ people, and you are perfectly comfortable expressing yourself lesbian, I would not hesitate to do that! For example, if I were using a dating app, I would put that I am lesbian because that is the only dating interest I have and I would NOT want to mislead anyone that I am interested in a sexually bi situation that might include a man, in any way. I don't want to be a side piece, or pursued as part of a threesome.

I guess Cashew, you've got me wondering about my label as well. When I think of changing my label from bi to lesbian, it feels like it throws the bulk of my life experience out, and thereby doesn't really represent me anymore. It's as if I identify as lesbian, but my life so far has given me a different identity, and bi is a way to reconcile the two.

 

I relate to so much of this. I'm out of the dating world now but if I get back in it someday I probably won't choose to represent myself as bi because it would give some people the wrong idea of what I'm looking for. Yet, bi does represent my past in some ways, and I'd want the woman I'm dating to have a clear picture of who I am and who I've been.

 

I never thought about the tug-of-war between your label describing your past vs. your present or future. I don't have any answers either... but my mind just expanded a bit.

 

Do you need a label to convey who you are and who you've been?
It's definitely complicated and personal. I've heard of people introducing themselves as gay and then qualifying it by saying actually they are bi but they prefer men/women etc. Maybe they just refer to themselves as gay for the same reason.

When I see someone is bisexual on a dating app, I'm not sure what they are looking for, because I assume that they will first and foremost want to find a man to settle down with and have children but I'm definitely starting to realise now that I need to open my mind more about this.

 

I had exactly the same rationale. But I now use "gay" as I feel closer to gay than anything else and I like the word "gay" better than lesbian for some reason.