Anyone who knows me on here prob knows already that I’ve been trying to sort out my orientation for a while. I’ve really been trying to figure it out for the last couple years though. I have had multiple people, including an ex partner and several friends, tell me that based on how I feel, even though I do identify as bisexual, that I’m most likely a lesbian, and I have lots of days where I feel like they’re probably right. The thing though is, I don’t know if I was always a lesbian or if I was and I just didn’t know at all for the vast majority of my life. I definitely didn’t think I was gay as a kid and I don’t think the majority of people in my life ever suspected I was. I was a little gender nonconforming but that was all. I wasn’t even that much of a tomboy compared to a lot of girls. I also was a “boy crazy” teen. I had posters on my walls and was obsessed with countless male celebrities. The thing is though, I never interacted with actual guys my age. Looking back, the only proof I ever had I was straight was based on tv, books, and movies. I didn’t even spend time with men or have male friends. All my friends in real life were girls. Which makes me wonder if my ability to delude myself for so many years was because I never spent time with a guy long enough to find out I wasn’t actually into them. When I finally did go out with a guy when I was 21 it felt all wrong and it got more and more unnatural feeling over time. I didn’t like being with him and I even made excuses to avoid him. Eventually I ended up blocking him and not seeing him again. I haven’t gone out with a guy since and when I think about future long term relationships now I only want to be with women. Holding my friend’s hand and hugging her was more amazing than anything I’d ever felt before. I wanted her so much and the feeling was the most real thing I’ve ever experienced. Does this mean that I never felt this way before with that guy because I’m gay and I was never going to feel that way toward him? Have I always been gay and just never knew because I’d never been close with a woman enough to feel the way I did compared to a man?
I also felt like when I was with a guy that I was playing a role. Like I was playing the role of gf instead of just being myself. I also cared mainly only about what other people thought when they saw us together because I’d never been with a guy anywhere like that and I wanted the attention. But when we stopped hanging out I didn’t even miss him or think of him. I felt nothing but relief.
Your feelings can change as you experience more things. I think this is to do with compulsive heterosexuality? And those famous boy bands were cute and you lived their songs, but you didn’t know them in real life. And I think that’s why you liked them because the idea of them was cool. It’s okay to not know before and it doesn’t make you more or less gay to have found out at a certain age.
I felt the same way when I was with women. That somehow I felt like I was an actor in a role and not really engaged. I kept feeling like is that all there is, it’s just doesn’t feel right. I wanted sex over quickly. It was expected that as a guy you dated and had sex with women. It wasn’t until the first I experienced intimacy with another man did I realize how wrong it was to be with a woman. With a man I wanted sex to go forever. I never looked back. Gay from that day forward!
Yeah, this, I can agree with this totally. What is expected (both of us and by us) is meet a partner of the opposite sex and enjoy sex with that person. I have come to realise I don’t really enjoy that at all, but I can tolerate it. I know that being with a woman would blow my mind, and the small experience I have had was blissful.
Yeah I definitely relate to a lot of experiences had by people who had comp het. I definitely think something about me did change and I feel a lot differently than I did many years ago and my desires have changed. In some ways I feel like maybe I grew into my sexuality. My previous obsessions with men in retrospect now seem kinda childish almost? Like schoolgirl fantasies that weren’t actually reflective of what I really want or need. I think I bought into the fantasy I was being sold of heterosexuality and I’m seeing now that those things society said I should want won’t actually bring me happiness.
I haven’t ever had sex but I definitely feel that I want a sexual experience with a woman. When I hugged my friend in her car I felt really good. It wasn’t really a friendly hug it was a long hug where I ended up kinda stroking her back. It felt so good and I definitely really enjoyed touching her and being that close to her. I actually kinda got lost in the moment it was so good and I felt like I was being lulled under a spell. It was almost hypnotic. I didn’t even realize my hand was stroking her back at first I just did it instinctively.
I was very similar in the opposite sense, I was a girl crazy teen and always fell for girls and later women. I never looked at boys or later men. It took me many years to figure it out, but I'm actually very submissive. Everything is a little back-to-front for me. It's hard to see if you're not interested in the usual restraints and punishments. To me it is more about the role than a fantasy, simply being the passenger, rather than the driver. Until I understood myself, I always felt a deep sense of discomfort around assertive ladies and men. I simply locked out my feelings, I guess I was in denial? Now they are what excite me the most! Despite that, my heart still pulls towards sweet women. I seem to be enchanted by sweetness and seduced by confidence. I had the same feeling, that you did in the car, dating a sweet woman, on our first kiss she came in and kissed me longer than a polite kiss and very openly in front of other people. I totally felt lost in the moment and felt my soul tingle. Yet, with the same person, on subsequent dates, I kissed her and felt nothing. I once kissed the girl of my dreams, on New Years (the prettiest girl in town)... Again, I felt nothing. Like I was there, but not there. Simply going through the motions. And boy was I in love with her at the time... And yet, this other lady (who I was good online friends with, but not in love with) spontaneously kissed me from nowhere and I saw stars and my world stopped moving! It wasn't the person, I don't think, but the role, which did this. You say you hugged your friend? You hugged her? You stroked her back? Could it be you are a closeted dominant as I was a closeted submissive? (Who is attracted simply to the roles? Rather than all the usual BDSM fare?) It may be worth considering.
I am not into bdsm style relationships. I don’t see that as having anything to do with my sexuality either at all. I definitely didn’t enjoy being with her as some kind of kink either.
I was simply trying to say, given your attraction to males, at times, perhaps it was the fact you were driving the situation that made the difference, not that you were interested in BDSM or kinks. I'm not either, which was the problem for me. No worries, anyway, I was only trying share my own experiences. I hope that you find the answers that you are looking for.
I can totally relate. I was never boy crazy but would happily crush on a celebrity. I always thought I was straight because nothing in my life said I was anything other than that. I totally get what you mean about growing into your sexuality to, I don’t know if for me I’d describe it exactly like that but it’s a hard thing to describe, it was almost for me like I needed something to unlock it or set it alight in me. I’ve seen on EC it be referred to as a catalyst moment. Once I came to terms with my sexuality I could see that the signs were always there it’s just at the time I didn’t see them.
Yeah basically every crush I had was on an unobtainable celebrity. It was usually an actor in a tv show and the vast majority of the ones I crushed on all looked very similar. I had a very specific type of character that I was attracted to. And I mainly only liked them for their looks. It’s like if they had a certain aesthetic I would find them appealing but once I started interacting with real guys I realized I was not attracted to anything about them really. I could just appreciate their looks.
I wonder if maybe I see men the way that gay men see women. Like I can admire their beauty and think they are pleasing to look at like a beautiful piece of art, but I don’t want to *be* with them.
Quite possibly. I think for me one point of confusion was that the idea of sex with a man was not repulsive, it just did nothing for me.
I think we all play roles to some extent, but I can definitely related your feeling of what other people thought and feeling of 'relief'. I never thought of it before but when I was in denial I thought it was normal to be repulsed by sex and just want it over. I often found myself feeling jealous or identifying with the role my girlfriend was playing. For example when she was performing oral sex I realized I wanted to do what she was doing. With many gay men in denial they can repress their feelings and use this to justify that they must be straight. "Oh I must just have some hang up about sex"
Did you ever like to kiss him or have sex with him? Or did you have phases where you actually had butterflies and wanted to be with him?
I never had any physical contact with this guy. We didn’t even hold hands or hug. I had butterflies initially because he was a good looking guy but as time went on the idea of being with him looked less and less appealing because as a person I did not like him the more I got to know him.
Well, attraction and sexuality can be fluid and change as time passes and we experience new and different things. Some people may say they knew since childhood that they were gay or lesbian or bi, but then you have people like me who grew up with the assumption of being straight, with or without compulsive heteronormativity, but realized later that's not true. Was I straight but changed to bi? Was I always bi bit didn't know it until starting to be attracted to other people? Don't know, but did come to the conclusion of being bisexual, and so that is what I am regardless of whether I changed from straight or always was. As stated before, my initial gay panic was in high school, gym class to be specific. I did not want to get naked around the other boys after getting sweaty and take a shower, as gym was my last class of the days I had it, I would just get changed back into my normal clothes and shower at home. It was in fact discomfort with the notion that I might want to have sex with the boys I had gym class with. I had the realization later that that discomfort wasn't because I was completely straight but rather because I wasn't attracted to them specifically and the now adult male people I was noticing as being attractive were in fact attractive to me in that way. And that is where my second gay panic came from and when I realized that I'm still also attracted to women.
