Ward Cleaver is Gay!

I agree that cheating on your wife would not be the way to go ... it will probably make things worse whatever happens, not only between you and your wife but also for yourself because you will feel you have betrayed your own values. And I also am not sure that your decision should depend on a momentary thrill with another man. But I don't think that fantasy and masturbation are cheating and that would be a good way to explore what you enjoy. I also don't think that going to a gay bar and talking to gay men would be cheating. Also reading about gay guys and their experiences and thinking about what your life might be like if you came out is very useful. You can do this my thinking about whether and how you would find other gay folks to connect with ... bars, meet-ups, online dating, church, etc. I have found meetup.com a good way to meet other gay guys for, at this point, friendship. I am open to dating but as I have posted in other threads I have found that dating is not something that gay men are focused on that much as the interest seems to be much more toward NSA sex.

The theme of this work is to try to get a more fact-based and realistic picture of what you would actually be choosing. It's easy and fun to talk about Pride, being "real," and marching in a parade ... it's quite another thing to live a life that involves all of the usual things like working, dealing with an ex-spouse and child visitation, while also trying to find connection and love with gay men in real life and finding what part of the gay community (if any) appeals to you or fits with your values.

 

Yep, by "NSA" I meant no strings attached.

Regarding your other questions, here are my subjective answers (by all means gather others):

I think if you have strong gay sexual fantasies you will have success at an enjoy gay sex.

I think whether you'll be successful in "a gay lifestyle" is much harder to predict. There is still a lot of loneliness among gay men and I don't think that monogamy, companionship, building toward the future and the like are high priorities for most gay men regardless of age, which is quite different than straight people (there are exceptions of course).

 

(continuing my response because this message board has glitches when used on Chrome):

So I think it really depends on what you're looking for and how far you're willing to compromise (e.g., an "open" relationship) to get at least part of what you want. If you're really a Ward Cleaver type you may find it lonely and frustrating ... but you'd have to be the judge of that (also that's why I suggest exploring gay culture outside of the sex part). If your marriage is working reasonably well and you love your wife and have kids it may be worthwhile to stay with her. Hopefully others will offer counter perspectives.

 

Hey Sevnbutto

I've been catching up on your posts this evening and wanted to add something for the other side.

Two years ago I joined EC. I had been married over thirty years and knew about my SSA since I was a boy. I had told my wife "sorta" before we were married just as you did. I too was not clear enough. After our intimacy dwindled due to my wife's hysterectomy my gay desires kicked into overdrive. It's not uncommon at my age...mid fifties.

I almost cheated with a man...I had never experienced male intimacy. So, I ended up here in the great community. After about 3 months of "EC therapy" I came out to my wife. If you are interested, I shared my coming out story here and I will see if I can direct you.

Having not cheated my wife has been very accepting. We joke about men, guy watch together and attend Pride together. She also, immediately suggested I develope a network of gay friends.

After about six months, my wife, actually, suggested I try some limited intimacy with men. Which I did and still do. We agreed on some rules.

Coming out to my wife freed men. I am now more open to everyone. I was so fearful that I would be discovered, that someone would see my appreciation of a man, that I became very closed off to everyone. Being so guarded was no way to live. I now can enjoy intimacy with my wife and discuss ways that we can share intimacy. I sleep again!

Everyone is different. But, keeping my sexuality hidden from the one person I should be completely open with was not right for me.

Continue to lean on this group. I often think that EC talked me down from the ledge. You do need to do this at your pace.

Take care man.

Nick

 

Hey

Before I came out to my wife, I decided I needed to fix things for her. I, honestly, didn't know how she would react. Many sleepless nights worrying about growing old alone.

But, I wanted to be sure she would be OK. She was estranged from her brothers but I remained friends with them. So, I fixed that. I talked her brothers into setting aside family differences and start to be a family again...maybe it was my new found "super gay powers". I was so afraid she would freak and have no one.

I also started to try and bridge some of the distance that my sexuality had caused. I had drifted away from her and I was very angry at her. I was angry she held the keys to my sexuality. Of course, she didn't even know. But, this misplaced anger was poisoning our relationship.

I accepted that I needed to "let my gay out". To just be myself and stop being guarded and angry. If she figured out why...so be it. This is part of the paranoia that many of us build up. We become so afraid to express ALL of us that we cannot express ANY of us.

Our relationship improved. My wife is smart...very smart...when I came out, she immediately connected the dots. One of her first things she said was "I feel like I just got the man I married back".

It is amazing how much of ourselves we can destroy keeping a secret like this.

Nick

 

Hi sevnbutton
I just have give myself a year and half is because I have just recently come out to a mate witch went very well . But I need to come out to more friends over time then I will come out to my brothers then I might be in a place were I can come out to my daughter' and wife . This year I don' want to tell the wife and daughter is because I have my first grandchild on way and my daughter' wedding which I want to be there for . It could happen sooner but that is my time scale were I want to be out to all friends and family

 

Hi sevnbutton
On my opinion on this is don' cheat on your wife because it will make things a lot harder for you when you decide to come out to wife.

As for talking to other gay men I don' see a problem with that it' not really that much different to what we do on here just more personal

And as for a kiss well in my experience I kissed a man late last year which got so intense we really ripped each other' clothes off . I had to stop myself . So on that note it depends on your restraint lol

 

I would check out some of the social Meet Up groups in So Cal. There seem to be tons of them.

 

I would second the platonic social meetup idea.

I needed to be around gay men and there were very limited opportunities. There were some events at Pride...a bike ride that I attended. And, I did the gay ski week thing. BUT, I was out to my wife and these were public. I got caught by a work associate on the bike ride...rainbow flag and all. I excused it as supporting my gay siblings. But, there is a risk of getting outed before you are ready.

I hesitate to recommend the other thing I did. I got on a hookup site and put a profile for "friends only". I did meet a great guy. I think he wanted to hook up. We still have a beer every once in awhile...he's sort of my gay mentor and it's strictly platonic.

But, you have to be able to say no and the temptation may be too much.

Be prepared to receive a little criticism for being married to a woman. This is a stigma for me with some in the gay community here. But, the vast majority of the gay men I have met are understanding.

Nick

 

Sevnbutton

One of my friends told me he "went through a "biphase" too before he excepted who he was". I told him "I doubted I would ever become completely straight". He brings this up now on a regular basis. "So, do you still like guys"? Our inside joke.

People tend to react based on their experiences. Regardless, it is still great to spend time with other gay men (as a bisexual, I had to be able to accept that that means gay too). I have found it nourishing.

I hope you get an opportunity to do that. In order of importance to me, having platonic gay friends is more important than intimacy.

Nick