We talk a lot about vulnerability. I don't know if it means being honest. I think it does. I needed help with something. It wasn't something that required even lifting a hand. It might require some periodic checking in and contacting each other. I am very self reliant and hate asking for help. It was from a couple I've known for about 3 years. I also told them I suffer from depression and am going through a rough patch. They were kind of flat about the whole thing, especially with the husband. The asking was not productive. Part of it was they were probably good acquaintances rather than friends. I never befriended them to ask for any kind of help. I befriended them from events that involved socializing, which we did. I'm used to the friends I grew up around who always seemed willing to help, and me them. I don't know if this is about vulnerability, people being selfish, or people thinking telling them you suffer from depression is oversharing. In this case, vulnerability (if that's what it was) backfired. This has been on my mind.
In my opinion telling people you suffer from depression is not oversharing. Depression is an illness and something we can't help. I get that some people would say there's a time and a place to share these things, but it's a part of your story and I don't think you should have to hide that. If you've known this couple for 3 years, then I guess they could be considered friends right? After all, good acquaintances are basically friends. And even if they weren't your friends or close acquaintances, you deserve compassion and understanding. Now, that's not to say the way they reacted was wrong on their part. They may just not know how to react, they may not want to make light of it on the one hand, or probe too deeply on the other, as I guess depression is very personal to each person that goes through it. So maybe it's the familiarity of your lifelong friends more than anything that allows them an easier response when you share your troubles with them, for example? I hope that makes sense. I wouldn't say what you said has backfired. You did nothing wrong. It's up to them how they react to what you told them, but unless you're lying or manipulating a conversation to get what you want, which you're obviously not doing, then you have nothing to worry about. And hey, that's unfortunately how being vulnerable works. Sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesn't, but the key part is you're willing to put yourself out there, sharing a part of yourself that perhaps makes you uncomfortable but, on the other hand, reveals who you truly are and what you're genuinely going through.
In Daring Greatly and in some of her Ted Talks, Brene Brown defines vulnerability as "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure." Being honest, open and allowing your true self to come through are definitely part of what it means to be vulnerable. By asking for help, asking for a check in, asking someone to listen and making space for you to share what's on your mind, are all inherently vulnerable acts. There are no guarentees that your asks are going to be honoured. I would turn it around and ask, was the couple or husband willing to be vulnerable or ready to listen? Probably not. When we are asked to listen, support someone, and to be able to empathise, we need to connect with something within ourselves so that we can show that we understand. Not with words but with our body language and the support we are willing to provide (even if often we can only say: thank you for sharing and trusting me). You thought you can trust them and they would understand. Given their reaction, probably they weren't ready for what you shared about depression. Sometimes, for a number of reasons, we feel we are closer to someone than we are. It's okay if it turns out that perhaps more work is/was needed to develop a closer friendship. While it's disappointing and I can imagine how you felt afterwards, there is nothing for you to feel that your attempt to be open, asking for help backfired. If anything, being vulnerable, willing to open up are great characteristics to have. (*hug*)
Genuinely to hear about that. I'll agree to what @Cinnamoon and @Mirko said. You did nothing wrong by being honest and genuine. And it takes courage to ask for help. I don't think you were oversharing, considering that you knew these people for some years and likely had reasons to consider being close enough with them to talk with them about the matter. Sadly, mental health still remains pretty much a taboo subject among many people and many more aren't comfortable discussing anything related to it. Maybe they were unwilling to help, maybe they were unable to, for some reason... We can never really know what's in their minds, unless they decide to share it. All the best to you!
Thank you to @Cinnamoon @Mirko @Keller I took pieces of what each of you said. A possible mental health fall is why I needed the back-up. It's what led me to ask for this favor. They didn't want to help and it was something doable. I had my therapy session for this week at about lunchtime. We agreed that this is more of a good acquaintanceship than it is a friendship, even though I've know them for several years. My friends would come to the rescue but, over time, we have scattered. I am sort of okay with the result because I could never see them becoming good friends. It put me in a funk for quite a while. I am more comfortable with the wife. The husband is more tightly wound and he is one of those people with whom conversation does not flow easily ... there is a disconnect and delay when speaking to each other. I do think they will keep the details to themselves. I don't really care, since depression is no longer uncommon. They seem to socialize among their family - them and their grown children - more than the group of people I know them through. Your input has made me feel better. So did discussing this with the therapist. It's tricky when someone is on the border between acquaintanceship and friendship.
Wow, it's 2 weeks since my last post on this thread and this is working on me daily ... in a bad way. It wasn't about the disclosure of depression as much as learning that this married couple was more acquaintance grade than friend grade. They weren't going to extend themselves just a tiny bit to help me with something that didn't involve much. The problem is that I will have to ask someone else. I haven't been sleeping well and my stomach is in a knot over how I will handle this, so it's good that I have some famotidine around. What do you do, or should I do, when the depression, frustration, and resentment keeps its grip on you? I had a decent session on Monday. He seemed sad and in my corner that I hit this roadblock with this couple. I see the therapist again next Monday. He's a fairly relaxed person, so he is helping. The problem is that in addition to handling different current issues and things from my upbringing, I feel like I'm also playing catch-up for all the lousy work the last therapist I had did and didn't do.
I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do in such a situation, the usual advice that’s abundant on the internet usually doesn’t work for me, for some reason. When it comes to stay, I simply try to run away from it, even if for a short while. Sometimes quite literally - when running, after the first few kilometres, everything ceases to exist except from the pavement, the exertion and the finish line. As long as I keep moving, any thoughts and feelings stay somewhere behind. Other times I just do something that is likely to absorb me completely, such as playing my instrument of choice. Once the groove is there, I lose myself completely in it. Neither of those actually solve the problem, but it provides a respite and gives some strength to grind on, which seems to be better than nothing
It's completely normal to feel frustrated, resentful, and depressed when you're facing challenges and when it seems like people you expected support from are not offering it. Sometimes, our expectations of others can lead to frustration and disappointment. It might be good to try and consider whether your expectations of this couple were realistic or if there might have been misunderstandings. Holding onto resentment can be detrimental to your mental health. While it's natural to feel hurt, try to work on forgiving the couple and letting go of the negative emotions for your own well-being. If you find that your current therapist isn't meeting your needs or if you feel like you're playing catch-up due to previous therapy experiences, you might consider seeking a second opinion or exploring different therapy approaches. While you've had a disappointing experience with this particular couple, don't hesitate to lean on other supportive people in your life who might be more understanding and willing to help. I had such an dissapointing ecperience with a couple who go to the same university as me. I did a lot of group projects with them and ended up doing most of the work by myself.
It sounds like that by seeing the therapist regularly, you are getting the supports you need and slowly to the place where you want to be. Working through the disappointment, frustration that the interaction with the couple has brought about will take a bit of time but if you keep working on it, I am sure you will leave it behind you. If you can, it might be worthwhile trying to do some activities that will allow you to shift your thoughts away from what happened, if they do occur. One thing to try might be to do some mindful walking perhaps in a quiet park, or a geographic area that you like or enjoy being in. Sometimes what can also help is that when you feel the resentment arising is to acknowledge the associated feelings but not to dwell on them or give your mind the power to take over and continue ruminating on the event. You have the power to guide your mind to a different, better place.
I may do this in a different way by going away. I still have the "wherever you go, there you are" problem. Being behind the wheel causes me to ruminate a lot unless I have a song that takes me somewhere else. I still have to come back to reality. You are right in that my expectations were unrealistic. I'm kicking myself for this. They were not tight friends. They just seemed like solid people. In fact, they are. They don't have power. They just had the right to say yay or nay. Now, I doubt I'll feel comfortable around them and the activity group I know them from doesn't interest me as much as it did several years ago. The therapist is good. The last one was a jerk. My therapist nodded in affirmation that they were acquaintances more than friends. He has a big humble side. That's because he's confident in his intelligence. He even has a sense of humor. He's not perfect, but he's so much better. Paragraph 1 - I seem to have good chemistry with this therapist. I should have bitten the bullet and gone "out of network" earlier. He is also 5 minutes away instead of 20 minutes away. Paragraph 2 - I do this and it makes for a bandage. That is better than an open wound, so it is good advice. Paragraph 3 - Mindfulness is a good thing, but, even having done it and having been guided on how to go about it, a person can still slip. They've moved on and not given this much thought. Maybe the wife feels a little bad she couldn't help. Maybe. I think I'm stressing because I have to address a back-up system and have to test other friendships in the process.
it's okay if your feelings have changed after this experience. People and interests can evolve over time, and it's important to prioritize your own comfort and well-being. You can always explore new social circles and activities that align better with your current interests and needs. It's positive that you have a therapist who is more supportive and understanding. Finding a therapist who you feel comfortable with and who meets your needs is crucial for your well-being and progress in therapy. The main thing is that you were able to realize your expectations were unrealistic.
I'm sorry to hear about your bad experiences with being vulnerable. Sometimes, when we reach out for help, the response may not be what we expected. It's not necessarily a reflection of your worth or the value of your vulnerability. Just remember, opening up and expressing your true feelings, thoughts, and vulnerabilities is a very brave and emotionally mature thing to do. From personal experience, holding it in will hurt your mental health and prevent others from helping and seeing the real you. I hope you're doing better now.
I learned two main things when it comes to vulnerability. 1. People like to engage you on their own terms, and people like talking into a mirror,( which means they want people to look and act exactly as they do). If you show your vulnerability to someone and ask for help or advice, then they naturally have to sympathize or empathize with you on some level even if it's a basic level. This is not engaging you on their own terms but yours so they won't help. Sometimes individuals will want to help you and ask how you're doing on their own initiative. But if you don't exactly handle the situation or issue the way they would, then it's not engaging you on the terms they want. Even people who have similar problems may want your sympathy and empathy but refuse to return it in kind. by helping you they have to address your shared problem and work through it head on. That's why they want you to sympathize and empathize to do the work for them. 2. There are double standards pertaining to every sex and gender. I'm sure you are well aware of many of the double standards of being a man. Anytime I have tried to be vulnerable with people It's backfired in my face. Many people in the past have thought less of me as a man for showing any once of vulnerability or weakness. The world is a chaotic, messy, and unfair place. which therefore includes the people who inhabit it. That fact also is not inherently not good or bad, it just is what it is. Try not to get too hung up on the unfairness/injustice of one individual person or group. Life is too short for that and most people will not change their minds either. You'll go in circles and hit a wall every time. Instead try to find people who will respect and treat you equally. You already found a great therapist, so that's one person. Just keep moving forward and try not to let people hang you up.
