This is my first time ever talking to anyone about "issue". Honestly I wasn't even going to post because I can't seem to believe how I'm feeling but I wouldn't dare talking about this to those who I'm close with and I just have to get this off my chest so here goes nothing.. For the longest time I thought I was straight. Growing up I didn't know nothing about the LGBTQA community. My parents weren't religious or anything they just never bothered to tell us about it. As I was entering middle school/high school I became more aware that gay people do exist. My father would every once in awhile throw around the word faggot towards gay people. Before I started questioning my sexuality, I never thought everyone from the LGBTQA community was any different from me. I would see two females kissing or two males kissing and it wouldn't bother me at all. Once I graduated high school, I met my best friend and that's when everything changed. My best friend is a very out and proud lesbian. She is engaged and they have a daughter together. At this point, I knew she was a lesbian and she invited me to Pride one year. Never even heard of a gay pride in my life but I agreed to go and I honestly loved it. Everyone was so welcoming and super friendly even though I was a straight. I did noticed a huge diversity of people. I noticed girls who were more masculine and others who were more feminine than myself. lol Gay men who were more flamboyant and gay men who looked straight as hell. I even got the chance to meet a FTM trans and I could NOT believe that he was once a female. I was even attracted to him. I was in shock. But everyone there was so so happy and just full of life. I felt so comfortable in that type of environment. I've been going to Pride every summer since the first time I went. No regrets!! I've been going to Pride for 4 years now and that's when I began to question my sexuality. I saw women in whole different perspective. I've met a few lesbians and I was honestly attracted to a few of them. Some of them were more masculine and others were feminine. I guess you can say I did some exploring and actually went on a date with a women!!! It was a very different experience for me and I thought I was crazy for doing this so I told myself that it was harmless and it going to be a friendly date. I got to know this girl and we had a lot in common. I felt such a deep connection with her than I ever have with a man. I was so confused. We went on a few more dates and we slowly got closer more intimate. Like I would noticed little things like how soft her skin was and how she had beautiful long hair. When we kissed.. it felt right. I was thinking I was going to end up really uncomfortable but I felt the complete opposite. At this point, I felt like we were getting too close and I ended it because I was scared. This was all new to me and I was scared shitless. I'm not a fan of labels. I don't even know what I am. I know I'm physically and emotionally attracted to men but I also feel this way towards women but in a way I feel a deeper connection with a woman. I'm even attracted to FTM trans... But even the thought of coming out to anyone makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't want to deal with the negativity. I can't even accept who I am. Like I thought I was going to marry a man, build a family and live happy ever after. Now.. I don't even know. I even feel bad for having these thoughts for women. It's been a struggle for me. A huge struggle. How can I ever come out to anyone when I can't even accept myself??? Any advice would be helpful!!! So sorry for the long post....
Hi Lea. It's understandable that you're confused. After starting off knowing very little about gay people etc you have become aware of the whole rainbow spectrum. It sounds like you could be pansexual however you are the only person who can determine your sexuality. The amazing peeps of E.C. can offer friendship and advice. You will find people who have been where you are. I hope you can find the tools you require to accept yourself here.
Hey welcome to EC. First of all take a big deep breath, its going to be ok. (*hug*) It can be a lot to take in and get your head around. Discovering same sex attraction can be exhilarating, exciting and absolutely terrifying all in equal measure and simultaneously. You are most definitely not alone. Often when you start to figure out your sexuality its almost like you have to go through the stages of grief for the life you thought you had, I mean im not saying its a bad thing or that but it is just different and that can time some time to get your head around. What do you think you are most scared of?
This. I understand it's kinda scary to find out about who you are, especially gender and sexuality. Take your time finding yourself. You don't need to identify as anything, and there's even a range of "brands" you could label your sexuality, but you don't have to I'm attracted to all genders/sexes, but I usually just say I'm bisexual to save long explanations of pansexuality If you like girls and guys, no problem! Discover and enjoy your identity. Peace & blessings. (*hug*)
Thank you all for your kind words. I think I'm most scared of rejection specifically towards my straight friends. I don't have many friends but the few that are I'm very close to. I don't want to look like a outsider. I'm the type of person who doesn't like to be center of attention and I feel like if I were to come out, all eyes would be pointed at me just judging me. I wish I could be more like my best friend who is very out and proud and doesn't care what anyone thinks.. I'm usually a very strong person but when it comes to a situation like this I feel completely weak. I do want to be happy in life. This is just hard.
It is very hard and your concerns are very normal. Pretty much all of my friends are straight and one of my biggest concerns before coming out was that my friends would all look at me differently and thing I was checking them out and stuff but I am pleased to report that nothing has changed. I know the thought of losing friendships is scary but that is worst case scenario and not usually what happens. Do you ever discuss LGBT topics with your friends? Have they ever given you any reason to believe they wouldnt accept you? As for being centre of attention, I promise you it wont last, it doesnt have to be a massive thing.
Like NerdByNature said, it sounds like you're pansexual, but that's something you will have to discover yourself. I'm pansexual myself, although I identify as bisexual, because I got tired of explaining to people that I don't have a thing for skillets I think we were all scared of rejection. My friends and family are all very progressive, but it still took me a few years to muster up the courage to come out to them. Coming out can be a wonderfully liberating and empowering experience, but don't rush it. You'll know when you're ready. Yes, you might be the centre of attention for a while, but it won't last. When I came out, the hype was over in a few days. I was actually a little disappointed
My straight friends have other gay friends and even one of them has a gay brother so I'm pretty sure they won't reject me. I guess it may be my own issues with accepting it really. I'm having a hard time telling my lesbian best friend about it even. lol It's just me I guess. I'm pretty sure I identify with pansexual even though I'm not the type to label myself. It might take time but one day I'll accept who I am and eventually come out to everyone. I was at work and there was this really pretty customer who complimented my smile. Not really sure if she was flirting with me but I instantly started blushing and got all awkward. My co-workers noticed and the whole day they teased me telling me I had a girl crush. For once I didn't feel embarrassed or was in denial. I even replied back with a "maybe I do". They didn't say anything negative or rude. So maybe this whole coming out won't be so bad. Just taking baby steps for now.
Thank you! I really appreciate it. Glad I joined this forum. All of you are so welcoming and kind. <3
No advice, but just wanted to say hi and welcome. Everyone around here has been amazing. You're in a good place.
We all have inner demons and the human mind is an amazing thing but also it's own worst enemy. It sounds like your friends will be support but just take it and your own pace and you will get there. I promise it gets easier the more people you tell.
