(Sorry for the bad structure in my writing, terrible short term memory + chaotic mind = ...) Hey guys, I've been doubting my sexuality for a long while now. Since when I was 14 year old I have never really been certain about my sexuality, now I'm 20 and I think I have been in denial about my homosexuality or bisexuality. I remember when I was young that I liked girls, I had my first crush on a girl when I was 6 years old. And had girl crushes all through middle school (6-12)... I remember liking that older girls(16) gave me attention etc... Now when I think back I remember that I was very fond of my best friend too at the time not sure if this was a crush but it seems like it. When I was in high school near the age of 14 I started doubting my sexuality due to me dreaming of a homosexual act, I wasn't in the act but I remember dreaming of 2 men and thinking that homosexuality isn't that "gross" at all, woke up sweating while having a boner, this is when I started panicking lol. For the next couple of weeks/months I was obsessing about my sexuality (I'm also diagnosed with OCD) it was a very depressing time for me, I don't remember me really having crushes on guys at the time (or at least not realizing it). Now this is the part where it really gets confusing, I remember thinking that one particular girl was very beautiful and I had a crush of her, I even got physically aroused when she walked by... These feelings got me very confused, I asked my friend (who seems to be bisexual himself) that if a homosexual man could get aroused by females and he said yes (probably due to him not questioning himself while being bisexual thinking he was straight). So I didn't really quit worrying about being a homosexual, I remember testing this afterwards (I have no idea why) by looking at girls breasts in public and I usually got aroused. Fast forward a couple of years, thinking that this all is a homosexual phase and that I'm just getting aroused by pornographic pictures of men due to me being young(I read somewhere that it is normal for a young person ...). I remember thinking that some guys where cute and that one of my friends was quite beautiful and that I thought I had a crush on him and when I looked at pictures of him I had a problem with looking away, I was kind of obsessed with it. But what's so confusing about this whole situation is that I cannot get turned on these days with girls at all, it's not a turn off either but it's "meh", it rarely does a thing. I have to look at pics of girls for like 5 minutes to get a mild boner and that's when I have to focus on these pictures, it doesn't seem to come naturally... If this was the whole story I would believe that I was gay but not too long ago I remember getting very aroused from just talking to a girl. Or when a girl walked into me with her breasts into my face... I have no idea what this is, and I have been crawling around on the internet searching for people who seem to be experiencing the same thing but I can't find any ... When I'm with friends and there is a girl walking by I always see their heads turning like there is nothing else on the world and I don't seem to have that ... I don't seem to be unconsciously looking at girls and I have noticed me kind of doing it with guys... I honestly really don't want to come out or live as a homosexual man, if I where to be a bisexual man I wouldn't come out to people I don't know that well either, it has to be private... A lot of my old school friends where muslims and I don't want them to think back at me with a smile and despise me for what I actually am ... Or friends never looking at me the same, not rejecting me but just being over conscious around me... So eh guys, what do you think?
Hi All you need is, It sounds like you are thinking of your attractions a conflicting experiences but they could be part of your sexual identity. If you look at threads about bisexuality and others forms of sexuality then you will that for some people sexual attraction is different at different times in their life. So being bisexual does not mean that you are always attracted to men and women in the same way, it just means that you can be attracted to either depending (in the same way that no one finds all people of their preferred gender attractive). So, and based on what you've said it seems like you might be dealing with being bisexual, you shouldn't expect it to remain fixed or static but for your attractions to change over time. Beyond mere physical attraction, think about whether you could see yourself living with a man or a woman or other long term situations. This might help clarify whether you have an interest in both. Hope this helps but you should take a look at threads on bisexuality to help.
