Venting

Hello, Rain. How are you feeling now? I'm sorry for what happened. I understand you. I've had some non-serious attempts about it in the past (taking lots of my meds, but nothing serious, I was just begging for help). So, I can say I have been passively suicidal in the past and I've been depressed for years (hopefully, not anymore). As a result, I can acknowledge, based on my own experience, that what you mention is not a walk in the park, but something to take seriously.

I would recommend not stopping socialising, but looking for non-abusive sorts of friendships. Especially in real life, because talking to somebody face to face is not the same as talking online and there are good people out there. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who are not OK with themselves. They suffer but if they take up all of your energy and are mean with you, then I think that setting boundaries is something to consider. It's not easy at the beginning (for instance, it took my 31 years, my whole life so far, to learn how to do it), but it's something that is healthy to do.

The decision of how to live your life is absolutely up to you, but for me it has been good expressing myself when I feel bad with somebody or some situation. At the beginning, I had a lot of rage inside, but now I'm able to do it without so much rage.

Hugs and never stop trying to find your happiness. The one who is telling you so (that is, me) used to think that his life was grey and dark and that he was lost.

 

Well, it's fine that you take time for yourself and put some space with that situation that hurts you. As I said in one thread, you should priorise yourself first because before if you don't feel ok with yourself, you won't feel in peace. You know it is perfectly natural to cry and if you need isolation to do so, then do it. It's great

What I meant before is that though there may rude, cruel people out there, somewhere there's also people who are not like that. That was my very point. I mean if you need to be alone for some time and not opened to socialise, take all the time you need. But, good people do exist. A prove of that is this site with the wonderful staff members. We're like a big family at EC.

So when you have took the required time to heal your wounds, don't give up. ;-)

Also cry all the tears you need, it's therapeutic.

Hugs.

 

I'm not good with words, at all, but just so you know, I'm here for you!

 

Well, then do it, firstly, for yourself because you deserve to be happy, and, secondly, for your EC friends because they want to see you happy. This site feels like home, doesn't it?

Besides, you're getting all your homework done. By means of doing so, you forget all the problems around you for a while, you get relaxed and when you're ready and you feel like it, then you can face the problems. And it's something productive, as well.

You are not guilty of anything. We all have emotions and when you stress out, you're allowed to take it out of your chest. Even if that implies telling a friend that is hurting you or that you didn't like what they said, etc. That's healthy.

 

Hmm... To keep on answering I need to know how you are feeling now and the situation more precisely. You can PM me, if it's a delicate topic.

 

Awww it's ok I tend to overthink stuff like that too. Mental health is really difficult but for what it's worth you seem like a really kind and affectionate person and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. Hopefully when they're in a better place your friend will realise that too and try to reconnect. Big hugs.

 

I am really sorry, Rain. I thought I was helping but I didn't. I sincerely apologise. You taught me a valuable lesson today. Thank you very much. I hope you can forgive me.

 

Ok.

 

Hey, no worries. I just misunderstood one of Rain's posts. Haha. He's a very good person and a very good friend.

 

Don't worry. It's fine!

 

Dear Rayland,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way—I've been in similar situations (conflicts with friends, feelings of anger I didn't know what to do with), and they are frustrating precisely because they are so confounding and incomprehensible. It's hard enough to interpret your feelings, let alone the emotions of another (and this situation, as I'm interpreting it, does involve both your feelings and that of your friends').

There are two aspects of your post that I find important: a) the interaction with your friend that left you feeling hurt and invalidated, and b) the feelings of alienation from your friends. As for the first, your friend minimized your experience of suicidal ideation (I've also been there... it sucks, but that feeling is anything but permanent: trust me when I say there's help), citing her own history of suicidality. I want to say this: suicide is an extremely sensitive topic that leaves people feeling stripped and vulnerable when discussing their histories with it (either the death of a loved one or past attempts). Humans crave solid answers, especially in the presence of such pain: we want there to be clear reasons, we want an easy narrative, we want to know what suffering is and what it is not, and what the purpose of suffering is (even when there is no purpose) It sounds to me that your friend was in pain and sought her version of a clear and simple story: "my pain, my struggle, is more real than yours." This type of answer can be reassuring, and we humans are very susceptible to it in times of distress, but it's not realistic or helpful. As you know, there is more than one way to experience this type of pain. Your experience was different from your friend's, yes, but it was just as real. Your feelings exist too, and are worth honoring. What your friend said was not a reflection on you, but was rather a reflection of her pain. Unfortunately, people, even normally good people, hurt others when they are hurting themselves. This is a human truth. I'm not justifying what your friend said, or excusing it, but maybe it will help you shed some of the responsibility (and maybe understand your friend's behavior better).

And now for the second aspect, and this is important, please don't isolate yourself. Loneliness is physical, you'll feel it in your bones, and it is corrosive. You deserve friends, a family, and a community; moreover, you need other people. We all do. Humans are creatures that are not meant to be alone. And in five, ten years, you'll find those people to call your own. You need patience, but I do not doubt that you'll find a community (It sounds like you might already have one too!). However, it's a skill to find and cultivate important connections, a skill you'll never stop developing. This means that you'll always make mistakes, but you'll always have something else to learn—which is exciting (you'll keep getting surprised, so let yourself be surprised). The truth is that you'll never make the perfect friend. You'll never be completely understood—and the opposite is also true, that you'll never understand the other person fully either. People get hurt, they mutter accidental cruelties, sometimes they're mean, sometimes they don't even want to understand. No one is perfect (saints sin seven times a day, according to the Catholics). However, this does not minimize the importance of friendship. An important dimension of any relationship is discovery. You will keep finding out new things about each other, you will make mistakes, you will laugh, you will cry, you will get hurt, you will make more mistakes, and you will forgive and be forgiven in turn. Forgiveness is key—for your relationships with others but also with yourself. It's the admission and the celebration of imperfections, and the dedication to move forward hand-in-hand with your kin, with your friends. So don't isolate yourself. I understand the temptation of boundaries to protect yourself from judgment and pain, but they also barricade you from the light and intimacy. (There are important exceptions to this rule: if you feel taken advantage of or manipulated, please protect yourself. You deserve more. However, I think there are more decent people with good intentions than we initially assume).

I don't mean this to be pedantic, and I apologize if I came off that way. I should say that it could be seen as hypocritical for me to be typing this (alone in my dusty room, lying on my rumpled bed with a childhood stuffed penguin splayed next to me, pile of clothes to be put away on the floor). I'm still learning much of what I wrote above—I'm no sage. I still feel alone often, that is why I identified with your original post. I haven't come out of the woods yet: still, I feel the urge to isolate myself. But I've decided to fight the compulsion, and I challenge you to do the same. Look over your right shoulder, and you'll find legions fighting alongside you.

Johnny.