I don't know if creating this thread is going to help me or not, but I'll try. I made it have a psychological diagnosis. It's not very good, this psychologist takes just one hour to diagnose her trans patients. She was very nice and affirmative and I actually got something out from this visit, because she was able to see my needs as valid, unlike the two previous diagnosts. I feel like this whole process was nonsense. But my endo thought it would be beneficial for me to order what my needs are. But these psychologists just invalidated me all the time. One told me my dysphoria isn't valid because I don't hate my body enough and don't have social phobia, but I experience dysphoria and what is it if not gender dysphoria if I live as a dude while being AFAB? The thing is, I sometimes want to take male hormones, but not in a manner that I want *everything* to change. I'm somewhere on the intersex spectrum and I was given testosterone blockers, and it was a nightmare, I feel like my rights were being forgotten about, I was talked into the blockers, no consent, no warnings, I was just told about positives and "for women they have no side effects", which turned out to be completely untrue. They were given so quickly and without a problem and they were extremely harmful for me, I lost 10 kg and looked like a skeleton. I lost my "abnormal" traits, but I lost the strength and will to live too. To conclude, I would want to take male hormones in order to feel good and functional, because my own hormones are a mess and I'm not entirely happy with how I feel and how I look when I menstruate regularly. I know it may sound weird, but I tend to skip periods, and then I feel bad in terms of mood, but I don't have to deal with things like bloating or female smell, can lose all the female fat that I have, it also seems like I have an easy time gaining muscle mass and grow more body hair. So if not for the mood, I like it. I tried herbs, they have side effects. But psychology doesn't take a high IQ to graduate, so psychologists have a small working memeory and all - it's too compelicated for them to understand. I don't agree with their concerns and transmedicalism that you need to be really desparate in order to do what you want with your body and life. The second psychologist, I'm not convinced what happened, but she told me I would hurt myself if I took testosterone and she didn't remeber even though I told her several times that I have facial hair and that kind of offends me very strongly that someone say that the way my body functions or the fact that I'm out and honest about my gender are a "harm". I don't want to lie to psychologists at the same time, and I personally feel like my motivation is sufficient and it didn't cross my mind that someone might be too stupid to comprehend it, unless they have some kind of serious learning and/or comprehension challenge, it all seems to me quite clear and uncomplicated. Another issue was that this second psychologist tried to talk me into being a woman and identifying as one, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, but it still feels awful. I explained her how I reached the conclusion that transition is the right path for me, this is what I mean the benefit of the doubt, but how many times am I supposed to explain the same thing? This is what I mean by saying she was dumb - she seemed to forget or not listen at all to what I was saying. It don't have any negative beliefs about women, I simply don't feel like one and functioning as one makes no sense, because I'm not like a woman at all. She probably expected less complex grammar and wording? Like "I hate my vagina"? Oh, come on. Am I the only one who can see shades of gray in this world? She tried to tell me to have sex in a way that doesn't give me pleasure, because I said that I don't enjoy vaginal sex for several reasons I won't get into, but I'm not afraid or anything, I'm not disgusted, it just doesn't work for me. Every explanation I gave, she fought with. I'm a man with a vagina, is it that hard to understand? My body feels like a male body, with a very small penis. Listen whoever reads that, I'm done trying to conform since a long time. I won't do things in order to be normal and not shock someone that transgenderism exists and there are people who have the wrong genitalia and who are intersex walking on this earth. I'm so extremely frustrated. I can consider my body already "damaged" by androgens, I've heard this already told to me. I'm a tall and muscular person and I have stubble in all kinds of places and a voice of an intermediate pitch. I sometimes sound like a man and sometimes like a woman. It happened. Am I supposed to cry about it? Just in order to be normal and not happy? She underestimated what I'm saying all the time and argued with it, I don't know why. So it cleared up absolutely nothing, just was and still is a psychological burden. And I still feel uncomforable like before the whole process and I still don't know what to do. I have an issue with something, it seems, perhaps I need to process and come to peace with something, but maybe I need to change something, but I feel stuck. This experience was very disappointing. And I care about being accepted and understood, so ypu can imagine how bad I feel when going to a psychologist turned out to be actually arguing with idiots. Idk, I'm stuck, just leaving it here.
