Hi, Jax. I've taken a few minutes and read a bunch of your other posts, and what I'm going to say is based on that read. Standard disclaimer: I'm not a clinician; what I'm saying is my opinion, which, along with $4, will get you a cup of Starbucks, and my opinion is by no means definitive. So first, I don't really see evidence that you have a porn addiction per se. What I see is that you watch a lot of porn, masturbate a lot, are horny quite a bit, and are starting to want more than just masturbating by yourself. Pretty common for 17 year old guys. It also makes sense that if you are masturbating a lot, and suddenly stop or dramatically decrease it, there could be some effect on your mood, because you are changing the hormone levels in your blood. That's just a normal byproduct and, subject to the caveats in #4, doesn't indicate an addiction per se. I also see, in reading your posts, several other factors at play here: 1. It is a pretty normal response for masturbation to feel really, really good while you're doing it, and then for there to be a sudden rush of disgust immediately after orgasm. This is caused by a change in hormone levels in blood; masturbation (and sex) increases levels of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, and has an immediate mood-lifting effect. As soon as orgasm occurs, the hormone levels drop, and that's why the sudden change in feeling, and (for some people) the sense of disgust. There's evolutionary reason for this: the balance of the need to procreate against the need to have food, warmth, and shelter. If the sudden desire to be done didn't happen, we'd never stop fucking, basically. The feelings of disgust or feeling non-sexual after ejaculation decrease over time, because it is sort of a mix of hormonal and psychological feelings. 2. It's clear you've had some back-and-forth about your sexual orientation, and I'm wondering if perhaps you aren't completely comfortable with being gay even though you have started coming out. That's pretty normal. Combine that with #1, and I think you see how these two could create feelings of guilt or shame. 3. The desire for older guys combined with the other factors above is often (but not always) tied to some sort of family-of-origin issue. Do you have a healthy and supportive connection with your father? If you think about what it is about older men that attracts you, is it just physical appearance, or is there another factor -- stability, security, being taken care of, for example -- that enters into it? 4. There's nothing wrong with masturbating 3 or 4 or 5 times a day at your age. It doesn't indicate an addiction, porn or no porn, *unless* you find yourself getting really anxious if you go more than a few hours without masturbating, you are turning down other activities (job, homework, hanging with friends/family, etc) to masturbate. 5. You've made references elsewhere to porn influencing your sexual orientation. There's zero evidence that this occurs, and actually, there's some pretty solid evidence that it has no effect; the so-called reparative therapy people that try to change sexual orientation have tried subjecting gay guys to voluminous amounts of straight porn and it has absolutely zero effect on sexual orientation. So at least from what I've seen, you sound like a pretty healthy 17 year old, with a normal sex drive... that might have something going on causing some attraction to older guys. The last piece should not be difficult to resolve as it is likely mostly cognitive. One other note: As far as the webcamming goes... I would discourage it. The problem is, there are a lot of guys out there, particularly older ones, that record the video from the webcam sessions and either trade it or upload it to dodgy tube sites. I'm sure this happens in a tiny minority of the total times that people spank it on webcam, but unless you're completely comfortable with the possibilty of random people (including people you might know) running into video of you masturbating... and keeping in mind that, once up on the 'net, it's pretty much there forever... it is not a risk I would want to take. If you want to talk further about this in-thread or individually, feel free to either continue posting here or to PM me. I hope this helps.
@IamKakashi Thanks for the link. I'm actually talking to a psychologist right now, so I'll see how that goes overtime. @Chip I'm not sure if it's a matter of being comfortable with gay or not, but it's just that my mind cannot settle on what my orientation. It sounds like HOCD more than gay in denial. If I am truly gay then I'll accept it and move on, but there's something about being identified as gay doesn't really fit me. I know labels are a bitch, but I don't seek a relationship with guy. Never once have I had a crush on guy. How do I know this? Because I've had crushes on girls so I know what it feels like. Yeah the webcamming thing was a bad idea, and I knew it was even before starting it. I don't think the idea of being gay is scaring me, I think the idea that I will act more on these fantasies is what scares me. These fantasies come from porn, and while I was able to get off from the gay porn, overall I felt extremely uncomfortable with the guy on the webcam. As for the attraction to older men... I've always had a terrible relationship with my father. We would always argue. I'm not saying that all of this has to do with daddy issues, but it does give me some insight as to why I'm only interested in older men, and not guys in general. At this point I'm fairly certain that I'm not fully gay, and maybe bi at the very least. I've been watching porn and it has escalated in the past 7 years, so telling myself that I'm gay because I watch gay porn is highly overrated. Thanks for your points though, it gives me some perspective.
