I already made a post about this but I left out a LOT so here's an updated version: (warning; its very long ;m -In kindergarten I prided myself in my arm hair and chased girls around to scare them with my arm hair (poor gals never had a chance) -From 1st to 2nd grade I prided myself in how my voice was deeper than most girls and how it could be mistaken for a boy's -Saw a girl that was allowed to wear boy clothes and thought it was absolutley and revolutionarily amazing and immediately asked my mom if I could do the same; after all, this girl was so why couldn't I? (She obliged and bought me boy/boyish clothes but put her foot down at me asking for boy underwear) -My dad sometimes refers to me as his son and I've always felt pleasantly content with it -Shaving my legs feels wrong and makes me feel embarrassed and uncomfortable -When I look in the mirror the face I see doesn't feel like the one in expecting to see -Whenever I do something I have the tendency to picture what I look like to other people as I'm doing that something. I only realized recently that the person I imagine isn't what I really look like. -I was once called a "he" and it felt amazing -Feel like I'm acting/feel weird/feel off in exclusively female places like the locker room (doesn't feel like I'm really one of them? Like I'm one peg above them? That sounds bad but) -When I was like 9 I would walk around my room with my shirt off and pretend I was a boy -When god forbidden "puberty" started and all of my friends (then entirely made up of boys) awkwardly stopped playing with me when asked why they said "because you're a girl" which was like a "oh" moment bc I had just seen myself as one of them -Always always choose the male character in dances/roleplay/etc; got mad when my male dance partner pointed out that I should dance as "the girl" and him as the "boy"....I had nothing of it and he just ended up letting me win lol -Despise dresses and makeup so, so, so much when they're applied to me. Dresses are super comfortable! But I hate them. They make my skin crawl and it makes me just want to rip them apart if someone makes me wear them. I feel wrong and unnatural in them. Makeup? It was required that I get makeup done on me for a wedding and I had so many emotions going through my head that usually very laid-back me almost punched a nearby wall in frustration at having to be put through such a humiliating and downright terrible thing. It also feels wrong. I definetly cried and then got scolded for acting in such a way :/ -My name has lowkey felt off for a long time; Throughout my childhood I was obsessed with creating alternate versions and names of/for me -For the past few months whenever someone refers to me with she/her it has just stuck with me...not nessecarily in a uncomfortable sense but in a way that kinda bothers me and leaves me thinking about it hours or days later -For about 3-4 years now (ever since my chest starters to develop) I decided I didn't want to wear tight shirts. I love baggy shirts or boy shirts but occasionally I do have to wear "tight" shirts and while it gains "compliments" from family members it leaves me uncomfortable and I usually end up plucking at my shirt so it doesn't cling and trying my best to divert attention from it. I don't usually wear shirts with designs on it bc I feel like it'll attract attention to my chest. It makes me really nervous to think that people might acknowledge/see my chest but I'm fine about it otherwise. -The thought of wearing a binder keeps coming back and sounds appealing -I saw Testosterone as pure MAGIC when I first saw it -I despise being called pretty/beautiful just as much as I despise makeup and dresses. My dad loves to fondly tell me how pretty/beautiful I am or force me to look at myself in the mirror and I've tried brushing it off with humor every time but recently he noticed my rising panic and discomfort with looking in the mirror and addressed it, saying that he thought I was beautiful and that it made him sad that I didn't think the same. He eventually talked about the ordeal to my therapist and she brushed it off as "a typical thing teenage girls go through" -I've began to dislike my voice as its gotten far more feminine/higher in the past few months. I've spoken and then froze because it sounds so high and wrong and it sounds stereotypically girly and weak and I hate it. -I've always disliked the sound of "becoming a women" but I think I just am used to the idea now I'm scared that this is a phase. I'm scared that if I tell my therapist it'll turn into a big deal or I'll make a fool of myself if I'm wrong. I'm scared that if I tell my friends they'll think I'm copying our friend who just went through their gender journey. I would love some assistance. If you've read this far, bless I really appreciate it. I'm a whirlwind of thoughts right now.
Hey! I’m going through something similar right now actually, so can’t give you any professional opinion, but I hope I can help. I too have had experiences throughout childhood and fucking puberty- just stuff have happened basically and a lot of what you’ve been through is similar to what I’ve been through in many ways. And basically I currently feel the exact same. I haven’t been to a therapist or anything but I’m so scared that if I transition people will think it’s just cause one of my friends recently transitioned and I’m just bandwagonning or something, and I’m also terrified of being embarrassed of having actually made a mistake. On top of that there’s my parents being homophobic and won’t accept me as a trans person but I don’t wanna think about that. Based off of what you’ve gone through, you definitely seem to be a guy to me, but that’s not for me to say. It can be really hard to accept being trans and what transitioning encompasses but a question you can ask yourself which will hopefully solidify your feelings (and what helped convince me) is If a scientist found a way to diagnose trans people, and they told you weren’t really male would you be ok with that? I know that I wouldn’t be ok with it- if someone told me I wasn’t really a guy it would tear me up; I don’t think I could live with that. You are definitely facing dysphoria and from your stories it’s gender dysphoria. You should go ahead and talk with your therapist about it, as long as you feel safe (if your parents and friends are ok with the lgbtq community). Coming out is so hard tho, and honestly I don’t know how to do it myself so I can’t help. I also reccomend try binding with two bras- I don’t own two sports bras, so I managed with two normal bras (not sure if this is healthy tho), but be careful, and don’t bind with bandages trust me I tried it, and it was a terrible idea. Even just bra binding will most likely help you feel better even if just a bit. From the stories I’ve read and people I’ve known, some people are completely positive about their trans gender identity right away, but others take time to discover it, and that’s completely normal especially for those who live in areas with strict gender norms or where they’ve never been introduced to the possibility of being the opposite gender of what was assigned at birth or other genders, and it may be harder to realize just based off of people’s personalities and the people they are surrounded by. Also from what I’ve seen, if your friends took your other trans friend well, and are open minded, they won’t think you are copying the friend especially when they see that being seen as a guy genuinely makes you feel comfortable. I’m such a hypocrite for saying that tho because I have the exact same fear.. That was a jumble, but I really hope this helps, and also thanks cause I feel better having found someone with similar experiences.
