Update on my situation...(I'm feeling positive today)

Feel free to add info, ask questions about any aspects. I'm not sure why I'm writing today. I want to thank everyone for their support. I'm barely starting my journey towards acceptance and I'm in a bit of a mess at the same time, oh well.
One good decision in the past couple of months has been seeking counseling. I've found the best psychologist 'in town', she has a PhD and comes highly recommended. She has made a difference in the first session. I'm going to see her tomorrow again.
In the mean time, I am trying not to catch feelings for a woman I've fallen in love with 3 years ago and now I've been having sex with. Im separated and will be getting a divorce. She is so beautiful in every single way, the way she is shy and avoids talking about certain things, the way her face lights up when she sees me, her beautiful body that carried a daughter, her strong shoulders and perfect hands, the fact that she comes in tired after her shift and does my dishes and cleans up (she's so good at it, I have zero patience or will)...and her face when we're alone, or how her body moves and changes...she looks like a perfect creation of God. She is broken..she is as broken as an expensive crystal vase....and....she's leaving for the army soon. She will come back as a stronger person, and I will continue my therapy.
Who knows wth I'm doing or why. I'm thankful she was and always will be the first woman I've made love to. She will always be the first woman I've fallen for, and the first person to make me question who I was as a 30-year old...
I am discovering so much crap about myself...so much dissociation, no wonder I never knew myself. All those years of trauma, that I thought never made an impact ...that I was tough. I was just emotionless because that's how I coped...that's how you get to find out how come sex doesn't feel anything like what your sister tell you about, or what movies portray.
I feel 100% good about the fact that I am moving towards becoming a better version of myself, I feel 100% bad about the fact that people may and will get hurt from this...and I feel conflicted about the present. I cannot give her what she wants. She dreams about a perfect love story and the whole nine yards... but we actually work together and people at work still think I'm married or something..we don't go out in public....and I know what the probability is we even end up together...close to 0%.

In conclusion, I think I am more at peace with my life. Although I'm in the middle of a tornado, on the bright side is that in the eye of the tornado it's calm....one day it will all be ok...