Unsupportive Family and Abuse Situation

Would it help to know people enjoy helping those they care about? Seeing someone struggling or hurting and being unable to help is more difficult then putting up with a new roommate. Your boyfriend and his family clearly care about you. They wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t something they wanted you to accept.

My brother is going through a similar situation with his boyfriend. Believe me, we would rather he come live with us. If you’re still worried, offer to help with the dishes, or ask if there’s any other way you can contribute.

Accepting help is hard. Some people don’t understand why, but it’s one of my struggles as well. But I realized something. I enjoy helping people. On a slightly selfish note, it makes me feel important, needed. But I also love doing things for people. Making their day, or even better, changing their lives. If someone turns down my offer, I feel rejected... so wouldn’t it be the same for other people?

As for your parents... if there is either physically or emotionally abuse, then you don’t need to tell them anything. Just leave. If they come looking for you, call the cops. No one should have to live in fear of being hurt, especially by their parent.

Doing this without them knowing is scary. Leaving is scary, I understand. But once you get past it. Once it’s done, it will get better.

I hope you’re safe and I wish you the best.

 

What do you think is causing the block to asking for help? What has happened in the past when you have asked for help? Tell us what makes you feel anxious about asking for help.

It is hard for a partner to hear that you are suffering, but do you know what is harder? It's harder to realise that a partner is suffering in silence and will not open up. It's harder because your love for them compels you to want to help and it's harder because a partnership is about two people becoming one and sharing the ups and downs of life as one. By refusing help and maintaining silence you are actually doing the very thing you wish to avoid... making it harder for your boyfriend.

I place emphasis on the word suggested so you will see that they are making this kind offer of their own free will. You're not compelling them to do this. Nothing and nobody is forcing them to suggest moving in with them. They are making the offer because they love and care about you. They're not concerned about you taking up house room or being a burden. This is all in your mind.

You are not responsible for your fathers abusive behaviour, but you are personally accountable for staying in that environment when you have an opportunity to leave. You can't choose how your father reacts and relates to you, but you can choose to stay and put up with it or leave and demonstrate your strength and determination to say no to him.

 

Has anyone told you that you are a burden when you ask for help? If they haven't, you are simply playing up the idea in your own mind. Understand that no man (or woman) is an island and we cannot go through life with the expectation that we will never need help. Giving and receiving help is a natural part of life... it's a fact of life. We don't always ask for it, but we get it anyway because the world would grind to a halt if it didn't happen. Humans are interdependent creatures and we don't go it alone. We can't go it alone!

It's good that you are thinking strategically and making plans, but if you fail to factor in help and support, your strategy will come to nothing. Make it part of your strategy to seek help.

On the money issue, you said in your opening post:

Do you stand by this comment? If you take the help that's being offered and take care of your own expenses would you still require the support of your father?

Vulnerability is not a weakness. It is a myth to think this way. If you don't believe me, take a look at an inspiring and funny talk about vulnerability (and shame) by Brene Brown on the TED website. She spent years researching this issue and has some interesting things to say about our perception of vulnerability and weakness.