Hey, 16/F here. I've been closeted for about four years now, and have finally decided to walk the road to acceptance. For the last few weeks, I've been having a tough time figuring myself out; I used to be positive I was bisexual, but I tried to change myself by repressing same sex feelings. My attraction to girls feels very internally blocked off-- I know it's there, but recovering it and embracing it will take a lot of patience and effort. I host a club at my school, and there are a lot of very intelligent people there who happen to be LGBQ. Last week, we began to speak about sexuality, and a gay male friend of mine (who also happens to be pretty abrasive) directly told me he didn't think I was straight because I dated a rather effeminate guy. I was really tired and a lot had happened that week--everyone before me stated their sexuality and I said nothing. I knew I could have responded to him in several ways after that comment-- I could have outrightly and dishonestly denied what he said, cracked a joke about my friend and given an ambiguous answer, or said I was questioning. Instead I screwed up and said that I wasn't straight-- then immediately changed my answer and said I used to identify as bisexual but now I'm straight. At that point in time I was seriously considering that I was no longer bi (though I know otherwise now.) He denied what I said, saying it was completely impossible since we are born into our orientation. I then conceded and told the club I was bisexual. Thirty seconds later I changed my mind again, interrupted him when he had moved on to something else, and started going on a rant about how sexuality was more fluid than he said. I said too much information about myself and looked pretty stupid, making a big deal out of it. Besides him there were three girls there-- one bisexual and two lesbian, as well as three or four straight people. I felt backed into a corner-- I was not ready to tell anyone I was bisexual, not having been sure about it myself, and especially not like this. Only one of my friends knew, and he goes to a different school. Nobody from my own school knew directly, not even my close friends. I feel dishonest and stupid now, and feel like now I cannot make friends with them easily because of my general immaturity about the topic last week. They are some of the only queer people I know and I don't want to isolate myself from the opportunity of friendship. I know I'll feel uncomfortable next week because I put a public label on myself too soon, felt visibly ashamed about the label, and now I feel the need to live up to it. I did not really come out, obviously, but I feel my switching back and forth spoke for itself. I know I'm bi now, but I was not ready to say what I said last week, especially because I denied my sexuality altogether. This particular friend also always makes me slip up and say the wrong thing. This is more of a rant. I know the situation will eventually subside and everything will be fine, but it felt like a very unpleasant experience and I needed to say something.
