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Unexpectedly telling my religious dad today....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Lesbee, Apr 30, 2021.

  1. Lesbee

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    Previously I had mostly cut my dad out of my life. He's evangelical and believes being gay to be a sin and a choice, and has compared it to both adultery ("we still have desires but don't act on them") or even murder ("struggling with same-sex desire doesn't mean God made him gay, just like struggling with anger doesn't mean God made him a murderer").

    That said, I've had the desire to make an attempt to get to know the man before he became this way, and we had a really nice visit where he told me about his childhood and his parents, where I got to see a bit more of his humanity.

    I had hoped that after a few more visits like that, it might come up naturally that my (male) partner is moving out because I'm actually a lesbian... that getting to know each other might soften that blow in his eyes.

    However, I had planned to see him for his birthday 2 weeks ago, but he had other plans, and this weekend is my son's birthday, which he said he also had plans. The rest of my family knows (and is accepting) so since he wouldn't be there, I figured I'd wait to come out some other time.

    Dad texted me last night saying his plans were canceled and he's coming over!

    Now I'm sure my sexuality wouldn't come up naturally in conversation, but things like, "so how are you and Partner doing? Do you have any plans this summer?" etc might, and I didn't want him to overhear other members of my family discussing things or make anyone feel they needed to avoid any topic... so I'm going to call him -- in half an hour! -- as I'm on the road.

    My plan is just to get straight to the point and keep it simple... something like, "I'm so glad you'll be able to make it for your grandson's birthday party! I just wanted to call to let you know that while Partner and I still love each other and are on good terms, I'm actually a lesbian, so he'll be moving out soon. If you'd like to talk about it or have questions we can talk now or in person tomorrow, but just wanted to let you know!"

    Regardless of how it actually comes out, I'm just going to breathe, do my best in that moment, and let go of trying to control the outcome. And at least this way he'll have some time to process it before he comes by, or can change his mind about coming by at all if he so desires.

    Wish me luck!! I'll update on how it goes (probably tomorrow).
     
  2. I'm gay

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    OMG! Good luck!!!! You're probably having your conversation as I write this, so I'm sending you good vibes for your talk. I really hope it goes well.

    [​IMG]
     
  3. Harleigh

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    Good luck!
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    I hope that you are able to stand strong in this. I grew up in an extremist evangelical cult and my coming out to my parents was a disaster. Stay true to yourself.
     
  5. BiGemini87

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    Best of luck! I hope it went well and that you were able to discuss it with him without any bad feelings.
     
  6. Lesbee

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    Thank you all for your well wishes.... I am honestly still in a bit of shock. It was a total non-event!

    I called him and small talked about how our day had gone, thanked him for making the changes to come by, and told him I just wanted to call ahead of the party because I've realized that I'm a lesbian, and my partner would be moving out soon so I just wanted to let him know. He was just like, "well that's your business honey!" and asked about some of the logistics of my partner's new place, but he didn't sound worried, or shaming, or passive-aggressive, or even awkward. It was a completely normal conversation...which is so unusual even when we're NOT talking about my sexuality, so I'm not sure how that happened, but I'm so grateful!

    I don't know if he's been practicing, or he's just really grown. I don't know if he will still react as accepting and naturally if/when I introduce him to a girlfriend someday, but I won't worry about the future and won't make any assumptions. I had been so stressed out about telling him (and my one other long-time religious friend who I texted after our call and she was also accepting!) and it was all for nothing.

    I know not everyone has this experience so I am very aware of how lucky I am to have had this experience!! My heart is with you all who have had less-positive experiences, or who are still waiting to come out.

    And while I'm finally fully out to everyone I care about... and I feel like I should feel absolutely free and elated... I was so expecting something more that I'm still in shock. And my partner still lives with me, so maybe that's part of why I'm not feeling all of the freedom and elation as well. But I AM ALL THE WAY OUT which is still amazing to me, and my partner will be moving out soon, and I've booked myself a solo retreat in nature for next week to completely unplug and reconnect with myself and the planet. I know this is something my body, mind and soul is desperately needing, and again I am so privileged to be able to do this. I do not take any of this for granted.

    Thank you all for supporting me on this journey!! ❤️
     
  7. Really

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    WOOHOO!
     
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  8. QuietPeace

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    That is really fantastic news.
     
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  9. BiGemini87

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    This is such a relief to hear. I'm glad he took it so well and that you were able to talk about things in a really relaxed sort of way.
     
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  10. Suitsme

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    Brilliant to read!!!! :slight_smile: :slight_smile: :slight_smile:
     
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  11. LostInDaydreams

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    Congrats, @Lesbee! :slight_smile:

    Pleased to read that it went so well.
     
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  12. quebec

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    Lesbee.....I am so very happy for you! ***HAPPY*** ***HAPPY*** ***HAPPY*** ***HAPPY*** :old_big_grin: :old_big_grin: :old_big_grin:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag: