I'm 26, and this week, i had sex with a man for the first time in 7 years. I always considered myself straight. My sister came out when I was 13, she was 12, and she was always so confident in her identity, I found myself not being comfortable with mine. I never dated until my senior year of high school. My "big crushes" that I always talked out were celebrities or the most gorgeous, unattainable boy around. After my first (and only steady) boyfriend, I went on several first dates with boys who were too good for me, and never really stuck around. I held a secret "girl crush" on Kate Walsh from greys anatomy. One other friend shared this crush. I was oddly attracted to her, and often fantasized about her. Still didn't think I was a lesbian. I secretly dated and slept with a woman for 2 years. Still fantasized about men, didn't think I was a lesbian. She and I had an amazing connection, still do, and had great sexual chemistry for a while... Until I began to question a relationship that I felt like I had to keep secret. I was alone for a few years, and then, unfortunately I gave into temptation, and slept with a man. It was pleasurable, but I almost felt as if I were acting. It felt forced. Maybe it's because I am not really that experienced with men. Maybe it's because it was a one night stand. I just feel like every man I've ever dated lacked sexual chemistry, and only once or twice was there a hint of chemistry. Nothing has ever felt so easy as it did with her. I'm afraid that it wasn't just her. I think I may be lesbian. And if I am, then I am afraid that ill never be brave enough to admit it to my family. There isn't a gay scene in the town where I live. The small "scene" that we do have, my sister is really active in. I just feel so confused, and honestly don't have anyone to talk to about this.
*Big hug* A couple of years before I realized my orientation, I was in a relationship with a guy, and experienced something a lot like you describe here. Whenever we had sex, it felt like I was acting. It just didn`t feel right. There was no sexual chemistry and I didn`t like it. Have you talked with your sister about this? Is she open to the rest of the family? If so, how did they react to it? What is it that scares you about being a lesbian? Because I promise you, it doesn`t change who you are, or what you are all about. Our sexuality is a small part of us, and all it does is determine the gender we spend our life with, and share our bed with. I am exactly the same person I was 6 years ago, only minus a few anger-management issues and plus an awareness of LGBT issues I didn`t have back then. Other than that, me coming out to myself didn`t really change anything. I still laughed of the same jokes, I still felt the same emotions, I still had the same hobbies. It doesn`t define you, or change you. Now, look at the rest of your life. How do you want to live it? Hiding, and without love, or honest and possibly finding an amazing person you can have memorable experiences and spend the rest of your life with? Because the sooner you start working on accepting who you are, the sooner you can move forward with your life and reach a stage in it were you can be happy and content with who you are and the people in your life. And regarding finding other people, you have a lot of choices, as soon as you accept your sexuality. LGBT organizations, google it for something as close to you as possible, are full of passionate people who welcome new members and interested people. Maybe you can move to another town? Maybe there are online dating sites? They don`t work for everyone, but I found my GF there. Hobby groups and interest groups, comic con. As soon as you are open and visible, you`ll see that there are a lot of lovely people living under the radar out there. But step one is acceptance in you. *hugs!*
Moving isn't an option for me. I will look into the LBGT community here, though. Thanks for the support!
