1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

To Gay/Lesbian Trans* People - Do You Ever Ask Yourself This Question?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by WhereWeWere, Oct 28, 2015.

  1. WhereWeWere

    WhereWeWere Guest

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2015
    Messages:
    144
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    America
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    I know I am male, even if it took a few years to come to terms with it. But sometimes I wonder,

    "Why can't I just be a cisgender heterosexual woman? Why am I a gay transgender man? It seems as if I'm purposely trying to give myself a harder life."

    Now, I know this isn't true- I can't help my gender identity nor my orientation. But I almost feel as if people will question me for this when I'm out, because I've heard this before (from a relative) and I'd rather not hear it again- "I don't understand as to why Caitlyn Jenner is a lesbian. I mean, if he... she?- Is going to be a woman, she might as well be attracted to men."

    Agh. I hate when people think like that.

    Do any of my lovely gay transmen and lesbian transwomen have similar thoughts, or have had people say something like that to you? I'm not necessarily seeking advice, I'm just wondering if people have had experiences like this.
     
  2. Matto_Corvo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2015
    Messages:
    2,270
    Likes Received:
    50
    Location:
    Portland, Oregon
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yeah I feel like that all the time. Doesn't help that my brother thinks I am one of those people who is just obsessed with gay relationships.
    Its like, I like in the south and am trans, and on top of that I am a gay non binary trans man who is also asexual. Feels like I am just trying to make things harder for myself
     
  3. Bastian

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2014
    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Old Continent
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    WhereWeWere, let me sob gently on your shoulder, because you just have described exactly my thoughts (and my experiences, too). Yes, I am too making things complicated for me (and by complicated I mean REALLY, REALLY FUCKED UP) and I know it. And there is absolutely nothing I could do... I mean, if I wanted to.

    I prefer boys, but I don´t have any interest in sleeping with them the way women do (though I know exactly what perfect sins of flesh I would do if I were equipped by nature properly). I have no interest in my female body parts. Them I partially ignore and partially despise, depending on my mood swings. But this can´t change my orientation and my aesthetical preferences, right? Right. It has nothing to do with it. Yours biological organs you were born with have nothing to do with the sex of your preferred partner in crime.

    It is hard to explain to someone who is "cis and happy". If we used the pure logic as the only possible way of communication and explanation, then yes, we are making things complicated and there is no reason why. But human´s sex and emotional life does hardly follow any logic. It would be horrible. Human machines.
     
  4. Aurelia

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2015
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SC
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I pretty much agree with Bastian. Who you're attracted to has more to do with just how your sex or gender fits together with theirs. For me, personally, women and men relate to each other differently than women relate to each other. That's true of female-female friendships as well as lesbian relationships. It's this difference of relationship that I want, both physically and emotionally/intellectually.

    It's not just who you love, and who loves you, but how you love, and how you are loved — or I should say, who you are loved for or as.

    Does that make any sense?
     
  5. Systems

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2014
    Messages:
    151
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I can't say for sure I've never had this though cross my mind. Our culture is filled with messages like this, though. People all too often wonder why some assigned male at birth and likes women and only women would identify as a woman. Such silly people don't understand the need to live as one's true gender, because they've had the privilege of always being recognized as their true gender and never being questioned. Then there's the mess of people confusing gender identity for sexual orientation, which is the epitome of heteronormativity.

    It just sounds really silly to ask a woman who likes women and only women why she isn't a man, or ask a woman who likes women and only women why she doesn't like men. Luckily nobody who knows I'm lesbian has told me to be a man or start liking men. That might just be because I'm selective about who I disclose my gender identity and sexual orientation to.
     
  6. Florestan

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2015
    Messages:
    319
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I often feel the same way. Things wouldn't be so chaotic right now if I'd been a heterosexual male. Maybe it would solve everything.

    But then I have to wonder what would be different if I'd never gone through this. Would I have made the same choices? Would I have walked away from evangelicalism and claimed my faith as my own, or would I still be mimicking my parents? Would I be as empathetic? Would my music sound the same, or would it lose something important? If I didn't have to fight for my identity, would I take it for granted?
     
  7. Bastian

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2014
    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Old Continent
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Systems: As much as I agree with you, I would not call those who don´t understand silly. This topic - gender identity, expression, sexuality, attraction - is often complicated and difficult even for us. Explain it to someone who has never ever felt anything like that could be hard, maybe impossible.

    Aurelia: Makes a perfect sense. And thank you, ´cause you made me think of this topic more from the relationship point of view. I tend to forget there is more than just sex :slight_smile:
     
  8. xfinitycomcast

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    59
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Melbourne, Australia
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sometimes I feel like it if I was a heterosexual cis-male that it would make my life much easier... That being said, I don't think I would ever want to become a heterosexual cis-male if I had the option to, I'm happy being myself.
     
  9. CJliving

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2014
    Messages:
    1,036
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Toronto, Canada
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    In high school I actually used this in my "I'm not trans" argument against myself. My conclusion back then was "I don't want surgery (despite preferring the idea of a male body) and I like men therefore, I should just be okay with being a girl". D'oh :eusa_doh:

    The difference, in how you're seen relationship wise, is a big deal too. It's social dysphoria, I guess. The thought of being with someone who doesn't see me as a man is awful. It's part of the reason I broke up with my ex. Despite him saying he'd "be gay for me" it was with the condition of no surgery, which I'm not planning on any ways but he might as well have said what he really meant (that I'd still be a woman to/for him). Nope!
     
  10. Aurelia

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2015
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    SC
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I agree with xfinitycomcast. It would be so much easier if I felt like a cis guy, but I don't think I would want to. I like feeling like a woman. It feels so much more vibrant and interesting and enjoyable. I feel no interest in or identification with masculinity.

    I just reread my first post on this thread, and I realized that I completely screwed up a whole sentence, so that it looks like I meant the opposite of what I was trying to say. That sentence should have read:

    "Who you're attracted to is more than just how your sex or gender fits together with theirs."
     
  11. Kodo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 27, 2015
    Messages:
    1,826
    Likes Received:
    848
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I can certainly relate to the OP's thoughts.

    This has thrown a gigantic wrench in solidifying my sense of self-identity. For so long I asked myself and struggled - Why can't I just be a straight girl?! But I'm not a girl. I'm just not. And honestly, I'm not attracted to women, like most guys are. So I'm a gay guy - to some degree (actually asexual but still attracted to men).

    I definitely get this feeling. Not to mention how other people will view it. Families of trans-men and trans-women always seem to swallow it better, if their kid/sibling turns out to be a straight guy or girl. But if they're trans and gay? We're suddenly asking too much, and now everyone must doubt us, including ourselves.
     
  12. mangotree

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2014
    Messages:
    1,322
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Queensland, Australia
    I think you're all extremely brave for being exactly who you are, yourselves, inside and out.
    That much can't be said for a lot of people in the world.
    I hope that doesn't come across as offensive at all, and I know it's off topic and I'm sorry for that.

    Peace!
     
  13. Kasey

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2013
    Messages:
    6,391
    Likes Received:
    156
    Location:
    The Commonwealth of Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My best friend and my friend from work are the only two people who ever asked me my sexual orientation.

    My parents don't even approach my being trans.

    And what you quoted was more or less what Barbara Walters said to Caitlyn.
     
  14. ghostpeppers

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2015
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    South Carolina
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    It's something cis don't get. Your gender and orientation are completely different things. I'm a bisexual male. For a long time, I didn't tell my mom about my girlfriends. I just said "Oh I'm going over to such and such's house tonight." It was a lot easier to hide my orientation that way.. problem being that I never had a boyfriend. When I did get a boyfriend, I could hear a sigh of utter relief from the family basically saying "She's normal!"

    On the other hand, I feel like cis dont really ever NEED to worry about their orientation as much as we analyze ours BECAUSE they see transgender as a link to sexual orientation when there isn't. "Okay Girl is now boy, they must like girls also." and vice versa.
     
  15. Astral

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2015
    Messages:
    138
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toronto, Canada
    Yup, I get that consistently!
     
  16. thistlehorn

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2015
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    I'm a genderfluid lesbian with a mental disorder. Sometimes it feels like my body's trying to make things weird. I'm different from different people and people get sick of me trying to explain myself constantly. I always wonder what my life would be like as a straight cisgender girl who has regular moods. And it seems pretty weird and creepy.
     
  17. TheRealTheaJane

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2015
    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Brighton, UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Basically I tell everyone who asks that I'm a "transgender lesbian trapped in a guy's body".

    It's just soooo much easier than telling people I'm "Probably a semi or demi-masculine transgender girl in a pretty cute body with some wrong bits who is mainly a lesbian but sometimes attracted to men and sometimes doesn't care at all".

    I think people automatically default to stereotypes or norms if they don't understand something, which is a bit of a shame.