I really think I need to talk to someone regularly to make progress. I know a lot of people here have benefited from therapy and I wonder if people can make some recommendations on finding a therapist (i understand links and specific sources are not allowed- i was looking for more generalize advice. I fear getting a 'bad' therapist - a lot of people have had bad experiences... Is it normal for a gay guy to want to talk to a female therapist? For some reason I don't feel comfortable with the idea of talking to a man even if he was gay.
I interviewed three therapists the first time around. I talked about my situation, my orientation, asked if they were comfortable with having a client like that and if they’d had any experience with this in the past. I checked some basic details - such as would my insurance cover this, how complex that might be. I opened myself to imagining talking to this person for weeks and months and trusting my gut. I tried to get a vibe off each one. One was super convenient to where I worked, but I got the impression he wasn’t going to respect my monogamous values. Another was just starting out and I liked their vibe, but the insurance was going to be a hassle and that meant I would run out of sessions faster. A third had a good vibe, was in my insurance plan, and the favorite song of my middle school crush came on the radio in the parking lot. That last bit was just a bonus to push me past any of my own hesitancy. I chose the third one. All met my wife’s criteria that their offices were too far away for anyone we know getting a glimpse of me coming or going. None of them were the gender she’d prohibited me from seeing. I was lucky to have access to an area with choices available where that didn’t eliminate finding someone who was the right fit for me. The second time I did less research, and clicked pretty well anyway. I pared down my choices to those in my insurance plan, but that still worked, as it had the first time. I can’t say getting a marriage therapist was as easy. Not so many around, and now it was both my wife and I trying to find a good fit. Our first therapist didn’t have much experience with Mixed Orientation Marriages, and so I thought we were teaching that therapist. We didn’t stick with it - discontinued after 4 or 5 sessions. Now we have one we both like, and probably knows more about varieties of marriages than even we’ve seen. From the recommendations I’d seen online this therapist is highly regarded for poly / ethical non-monogamy but has always respected our monogamy stance. We’re working on the relationship we want to have, and the therapist is supporting that.
out2019.....Doing your homework before you choose to actually meet for the first time is quite important. As @DecentOne mentioned there are some practical issues such as insurance, their hourly charge, will you be able to see them soon or be on a waiting list, etc.. There are also some very important issues concerning their areas of practice. Somewhere on their website or info flyer, etc. they should list their areas of expertise. It's pretty important to see that they specialize in LGBTQ issues. They don't have to be gay themselves although some people feel that seeing a gay therapist for LGBTQ problems is a plus. I think that any good therapist can help you whether they are gay or not. The therapist I see is a gay guy and that has worked incredibly well for me, but I think it's more because he's such a good therapist rather than just because he's gay. Whether you prefer a man or a woman is up to you, although again, if they are a good therapist I'm not sure that it matters. If you don't feel that you and the therapist are "clicking", there is no reason that you have to keep seeing the same person. If it doesn't really work the first time, don't give up...give it another try. I have a very trusting relationship with my therapist. I can tell him anything and I know that he will keep it in confidence. For me that was absolutely necessary in order to make the kind of progress that I needed to make. Think about that...It may not be that way for you, but I think that often a therapist has to get the client to bring out some pretty deep stuff in order to deal with it and get past it. Hey...good luck with this and please do keep us updated on how this all works out for you! .....David
good point if they don't have similarly aligned values then they might unconsciously steer you in a direction you don't want to go or offer advice that's filtered out things that are important to you. Maybe it's the old idea that throwing darts at page of stocks works just as well as analyzing them I have determined the greatest progress I have made besides admitting to myself that I am gay has been to say it to people. The change and level of acceptance and progress has been incredible, but not steady - I think steadily talking to someone about my sexuality would be important for progress. Makes sense I just wonder why I feel so much comfortable talking with a woman about it. Maybe still am not really comfortable around other gay men.
out2019.....I've been thinking about my reply to you. I'd like to edit one comment I made...I do think having a therapist that specialises in LGBTQ+ Issues would be a very good thing however, any good therapist should be able to help regardless of their specialization of their sexuality. Someone who has made it a part of their practice to work with the LGBTQ+ Community would likely be better prepared to help but that doesn't mean that it's a requirement in order for example, a gay guy to get the help they need from a straight therapist that doesn't advertise LGBTQ issues as part of their practice. .....David
Right and I can always tell them about issues that I want to explore. Other people who have had therapy have said it often takes them to issues they didn't even think were important. For example, maybe my chief problem is anxiety and low self esteem - and with a little bit of work there I could have to confidence to move forward in coming out.
