This "interalized homophobia" deal.

"We hate most in others what we dislike in ourselves."

I will never say this out loud, or use it to hurt others, but I greatly dislike the stereotypical gay culture and will never attend a "Pride Parade."

 

I think that just being out of your element and pushing yourself to act "more gay," as you say, might be making you feel uncomfortable on its own. I don't think it's a bad thing - pushing your comfort zone boundaries is healthy, and you're taking it in a healthy direction, namely, promoting your own self-acceptance.

On its own, showing a preference for more masculine gay men doesn't necessarily mean you have internalized homophobia. It just means you have a type. I think the problem would come about when you started not wanting to be around "less masculine" (so to speak) gay men, or were avoiding socializing with them at all.

Keep pushing your boundaries - acting less closeted - and don't get too down on yourself for being a tad bit uncomfortable. In a way, that's the point, after all. If you need to tone it back a bit to make sure you're having fun, then that's fine. But don't doubt yourself - you're just adjusting to a new situation.

 

It does sound like there might be a certain amount of internalized something*, probably homophobia.

Even if that's not the case, I think that when it comes down to it, the only thing that gets rid of feeling bad about something is doing it repeatedly. Your brain gets accustomed to it, and after a while, it just isn't a big deal anymore. There's also going to an extreme in order to make something just barely outside of your comfort zone seem not so bad in comparison. In this case, that would potentially mean coming up with the most stereotypical behavior you can think of, try it out for a day or two, and then let yourself fall back to something more comfortable. Sounds like you're already doing that, so there's really just the repetition left.

*I don't just say homophobia because there could be other reasons, such as a blanket internalized fear of sexuality of any kind, that could have a similar effect.

 

What do you mean by intentionally "being gay" ? You shouldn't feel pressure to act a certain way due to your sexual orientation.

At any rate, I can relate to feeling some qualms about my sexuality, largely due to how I feel others perceive gay people. Do you feel this way too? In other words, are you afraid to push your boundaries because of genuine internal discomfort, or are you afraid of what others will think?

 

Yeah like vere I wonder if you are still uncomfortable about how others perceive you. For example, when you were checking out hot guys, did you mention that to your friends - "ooh, he's hot!" Similar to what your straight guy friend might say about a girl. I think a lot of it comes down to confidence. Of course it takes confidence to be out, but it's another step up I think to "being gay" as you put it. Like others have said, it takes time to be comfortable when pushing your boundaries.

 

I don't know if this is helpful or just adding to the fire: You like what you like. I think that we're quick to apologize for disliking traits in people because those same traits happen to be matched to a stereotype we're trying to diminish. What I mean by that is this: It's very likely that you dislike people who behave in a flamboyant way not because it's homophobia, but because you find that behavior trait, in and of itself, annoying. Equally as much as you may (or may not) find country music, jocks, or musicians annoying.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if I couldn't stand personality trait 'x' and 'x' also happened to be associated with homosexuality, I'd still dislike trait 'x' regardless of its associations and it would be separate in my mind.

 

I agree

I seem to be having this same problem, I feel like I'm living a double life sometimes. I can't hang with people and feel comfortable being openly gay :icon_sad: I try not to offend anyone especially when it comes to PDA. I feel like I have to be more reserved and since I'm a biromantic lesbian, it's hard to be openly gay around men. Which created internalized homophobia within myself, I feel kinda bad sometimes for being myself, which is totally stupid.

My advice for you as someone mentioned, act gay, it'll most definitely help you become more comfortable. I act really gay around my brother and his friend, it's quite funny actually, I guess I'll start acting gay around everyone else.

 

I read your post this morning and have been thinking about it off and on since.

Last night, I watched a German film Sommersturm - you might know it - in whcih there are a bit of dialogue among a group of gay rowers about flamboyant gays. It just caught my attention. The gist was: why do you have to be so "girlie" - homosexuals like men, not girls.

I think you are not being judgemental by saying what you prefer. Like you, I want my partner to be masculine, not feminine. But I accept that there are others that are looking for something different and there are those who wish to express THEIR difference by adopting a different approach - flamboyant if you like.

To each, his own.

I have a preference for men with red hair and hairy chests. It does not mean I look down on men (or women!) who do not meet these criteria. My partner meets neither, but I wouldn't swap him!

In your mind, you have an ideal for yourself and the partner you aspire to.

A preference is not a prejudice unless you allow it to be.

 

I think I understand what you're saying. The fact that where you are it's OK to "be gay" not necessarily as in 'acting gay', but free to check guys out, talk about likes and dislikes but you're still uncomfortable to do so as if you're still keeping yourself in check and being careful about what you say, how long you stare, and stuff like that?

 

Just a thought - Let's say you're in a place where homophobia is not a big problem, where you don't know many people and the ones with you already know... So theoretically it's "safe" to notice good looking guys and look a bit longer than a casual glance (in a respectful manner of course, not like a bunch of drunk frat boys at a strip club hehe).
What happens next? Especially if that cute guy happens to turn out to be gay, and interested? Is this the "next step" you're afraid of, and trying to avoid by hiding every shred of possibility or interest?

 

Honestly, its all about practice and just doing it over and over again until it doesn't feel weird or new.

I get what you mean, though. When I first came out to my friends I told them "lissten, I'm gay, but I'm not going to talk about guys with you guys" and that was that. I wouldn't put my input with guys or answer anything that was "gay" because I simply wasn't comfortable with it. Then after some time you sort of just push yourself through the discomfort and little by little it stops being a big deal at all.

Think about it. When you first starting coming out to yourself you probably couldn't easily say "I'm gay" or even type it would be weird. Then with time it sort of just became easier. Same concept applies.

So, in short, yes faking it only takes you so far. Now its time to actually start pushing your comfort zone to its limits. Little by little you will get there