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Thinking of Moving (starting over)

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by StellarJ1, Jun 27, 2014.

  1. StellarJ1

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    I am seriously close to leaving my life in the pacific NW to move in with my sister and her family in Los Angeles. I could continue to live here and probably make a nice life for myself, and eventually open up to my sexuality, and flower.

    But at 37, I am ready for something new. (I wouldn't pick LA as someplace Id ever want to move to, but I have family there.) I also feel like I could be a super positive influence on my 2 nephews. I have learned so much in my life and I feel I can impart some tools that could help them to be stronger human beings, plus it would enrich my life and help me grow.

    It's totally terrifying, though. I am worried about feeling isolated in a culture that moves much faster than me. But the tradeoff of feeling family support seems so integral to filling in the holes of loneliness and desperation that I have created for myself,. But maybe I can grow out from under my repression much more easily in a new environment where I would have no social history.

    I would be leaving behind everything. My job, my friends(although I have pretty much stepped outside of my community in an attempt to find the room to be live more honestly), beautiful culture & nature, and delicious food. Most of all, I'd be trying to leave my straight identity behind.

    Something in my heart is telling me to go and the rest of me avoids it at most costs, although I constantly flirt with it. It is also terrifying to think of having to depend on family members for such emotional and financial support (and the new responsibilities that will come with living with my sister's family).

    My life just feels soooo empty here. So beautiful, but empty. I keep thinking how being around family makes me feel so "normal", loved, and needed in a way that is missing for me here. I have taken away the artifice and self-deceptive distractions one step at a time over the last 5 years. Now I feel like I am left with nothing and I want to fill it in with something I know has love, and I want to finally be me without thinking...

    Letting go is so hard. I am having a hell of time pulling the trigger. I've been thinking about this for years. I even committed to it last Winter, and then got really emotional angry and resistant and finally told my sister I wasn't planning on moving. I don't want to make the same mistake again. If I am gonna go, I want to do it. It was too hard for them to get exited for my arrival only to have it fizzle.

    When I went to visit last month, my sister really tried convincing me again and was really sad that I wasn't there. She is really lonely, as well. They moved there a couple years ago, and she has struggled some. She wants me to help with the nephews (they are 13 and 11).
    She pointed out how much of an impact I make in their lives when I am around, and challenged me by asking what could be more meaningful than being a big part of their lives.

    It is hard to argue with that. I saw it in the few days I was there. I am just afraid of building a whole new life around that idea.I am nurturing and loving, and I don't really get to exercise that huge part of me. I think I would even be a great parent...

    I know that I will never know unless I try. I can never get perspective without leaving this world that I hold onto so tightly. This decision would be much easier if it were San Francisco or San Diego. Why does it have to be LA?
     
    #1 StellarJ1, Jun 27, 2014
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2014
  2. Damien

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    Hi stellar

    it seems you are conflicted about the idea, as where you currently are you already have a job, friends, and it sounds lovely there, so I think you have been wise to wait, and not rush into a decision. Much as you love your sis, and she loves you, nevertheless it's your life, not hers, and you are the one who has to live with the consequences of your decision. I have a question: why can't you leave your straight identity behind right where you are now? What stops you from doing that, if I may ask?

    damien
     
  3. I'm pretty young and there is a lot I don't know about life, so there's the caveat for ya :slight_smile:

    However, the choice as you've outlined it here doesn't sound like an easy one, but does seem simple enough.

    You sound as though your current situation is not satisfying for you in a number of ways, but that there is a distinct possibility that making this move will be extremely fulfilling and go a long way toward the life satisfaction you're missing out on now.

    Leaving everything you've got is really really hard. Taking that risk is terrifying. But staying where you are in the name of the hollow comfort that comes with the known variables of your existence probably isn't going to get you what you need. Not changing yourself and your life, changes nothing.

    You say yourself that you need a change. Change is scary. It isn't comfortable. But that doesn't mean it's not absolutely, completely worth it.

    I can't say which way you should go, but if you're only staying because the unknown is scary, then I say of course it is. But that doesn't mean we should avoid it, when the reward for taking the leap is fulfillment, being needed and loved, and being yourself unabashedly. Those are the risks worth taking, as far as I'm concerned.
     
  4. StellarJ1

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    Thanks, I appreciate the responses. You both bring up good points and further divide me. :slight_smile:
    Just kidding. but not really.

    I have really been inquiring about whether or not I truly feel like a woman, and not a man. One really attractive factor about moving to LA is that I would be more free in my mind to have a different identity. I know that I could theoretically do that here, but it seems much harder in practice. Breaking down my identity for all of those that it is already built up for (work, friends, myself), is a lot more work here, and feels much scarier. I don't want to run away from my problems, but ir really feels like it would be easier in this one area. I just don't know how profound of a difference it would be with my daily existence, and if it would makeup for a lot of the perceived deficiencies of living in a place that seems more like a seasonless, concrete wasteland in comparison to where I live now.
    If I could feel free inside, like I have so briefly tasted, it would be worth it. I just don't know...
     
  5. starfish

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    To me moving in with family would make it hard to start over and be myself.

    I've moved once before. From North Texas to Austin, about 6 months ago. The move did me a lot of good, but I have been ready to move again for a while. Which I am close to doing so again. I have a job lined up in Minneapolis, and hopefully I'll get word tomorrow that all the paperwork is through.

    I'm very excited. I've never been to Minneapolis and I know nobody there. When I moved to Austin it was because my job relocated, so I moved with several people I had work with for years. So while I was able to leave a lot behind I was not able to leave everything.

    Change is scary, but for me it is much better than staying in a situation where you are not happy.
     
  6. Melanie

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    Yeah for me personally if I were toying with relocation my initial objective would be to make sure that I am independent ie my own place and a job.

    Moving in with someone elses family can be stressful even if youre close relationship-wise.

    Bloom where you're planted comes to mind ...

    Good luck whatever you decide.
     
  7. jnr183

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    Stellar I am in a similar spot. I have been in a smallish university town for the last two years. Considering moving to the Northeast where my family is... the idea is exciting because it is home and there are more people (which means more gay people, too), but it seems like an overwhelming decision particularly because it isn't really easy for me to just switch jobs- and moving home would require me to give up part of my career. But as I'm getting older I'm worried about wasting years where, personally, I am just really unhappy. And that just doesn't really seem worth it. Let us know what you decide.
     
  8. offmychest

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    well i think you should move if you want to and if you think it will be a good move. also, you can start fresh in your new city and in major metro areas being gay or different is not really that big of a deal to most. you will have family there so that will be good as well.
     
  9. BMC77

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    This is a situation I'm sort of facing. No offer to help me relocate, but it's something I'm interested in for a multitude of reasons. But, at the same time, there are things I like about my Undisclosed Area that I'd miss.

    For you, two thoughts come to mind:

    Thought #1: if you move to LA, you aren't marrying the place. Yes, it may not be a dream come true. But it might be OK for a year or two, at which time you could move to some other place in CA. Plus note that interesting parts of CA would be easier to get to for just a weekend.

    Thought #2: on the other hand, you might be able to get most of what you want by staying roughly where you are. Your specific city/town/village/wide spot on the highway may not work, but you might be able to find what you need within an hour or so.

    For example, one reason I'd like to relocate is that I am seriously discouraged by the lack of LGBT options where I am. There is nothing for the 40 year old gay male except those thought provoking offers of a "blow 'n go" on craigslist. LA would be better. But...I could get most of what LA offers (at least for LGBT stuff) by moving closer to Seattle.

    Of course, by staying, you still have your sister a long ways off. But it's easier staying in contact via modern communications. And maybe a few in person visits a year would be viable. Also: is she going to be there indefinitely? If she's likely to end up moving in a year or two, that would make moving down there to be closer to family a lot less appealing. At least for me.
     
  10. Calamus1960

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    I think you are making a mistake. You should not move. The reason? You, like many others here as well as myself, wear our hearts on our sleeves and want to please others and be loved. You want to leave it all and go to LA to be with family? Family is great, but I've learned in my 54 years that when you hit the reset button and move, you are only taking the same baggage with you to a new place. It may be okay for a while, but Sis needs to deal with her own loneliness and you do too...