Sometimes I've told here that I've grown up in a straight environment. Almost all my friends are straight, and I could say that my gender identity is closer to male straight tastes. A colleague once told me that I "dress up as straight very well"... And I understand what it means. I've tried when I was a child to hide any glimpse of "queer attitude" that could appear. I wonder how it could my identity develop in a more supportive culture. And it makes me think... Some of my gay friends are totally against straight culture. I understand that. I feel sometimes that, as I hid my sexuality, I could fit in that straight world easily, but it was sometimes rude and violent against people like me. I understand that some gay people feel upset and hurt, and don't want to know anything about straight men and world. I wish I've never hid myself, because I've lost a lot of who I could be. But I've seen too straight friends that have learnt to be with us. To understand us. And even to love us. Of course, not all can or want to, and it's difficult for all who try to expand their minds to accept our world. But they try so hard, and are ready to listen. How could I blame their attitude when they were teenagers, as they never learnt how to behave with us? Of course, I'm not forgiving all. A bully is a bully, whoever is his victim. But I'm not talking about bullies. I'm talking about those who mocked our sexuality... because they hadn't any reference of our world. If we complain because the straight world expelled us, why do we have to expell it from us in response? If some of us grew up hating ourselves and then we learnt to get over it, those prejudices that we learnt, don't straight people have the same right to learn? We use to say that how fortunate are gay children now because they have gay references in fiction, and we couldn't grew up with them to learn that it was normal, that we were not monsters... but straight people neither have those references. Maybe I'm rambling... but I really want to know your opinion about this. I know our experiences are very different. Our pain is not exchangable, and some of us have suffered a lot. I'm not judging. But I want to know... what do you thing about straight world, and how it could fit with our own world?
I think we should love everybody and not fall down to the same level of the people who have hurt the people within the community, but rather stand our backs straight and heads up and show that we are stronger and kinder and not the minority who they should be afraid of and who they should accept as fellow human beings who have the same worries. Even straight people are trying to figure out who they are or what kind of fashion is acceptable or suitable for them to wear. Social media often makes people have unrealistic body images. It's really not different from expressing your gender. You are often asked on different paperwork to fill the form and add your pronouns, even though it's obvious from the name. We're not different at all. It's just that we are a lot more open minded to different ways to express ourselves and more free spirited when it comes to our sexuality. Many straight people are afraid to break the so called what is normal and stay stuck with the norms that is acceptable in the society around them, because it feels safe.
Yes, I agree. I've seen so many of my straight friends struggling with their feelings and inability to express them openly. Friends who told me "you are the only one who I can talk to about what worries me", because I listen, maybe because, as you say, we use to be more open minded. Friends who are unable to cry, or to say that something is beautiful, or even tu hug another guy sincerely and not limited to "pat-pat on the back". And they can't combine their growth as impassive-rude-straight men with a world that now, and finally, allows them to feel. When some gay colleagues tell me, with a sense of superiority, "I'm sick of the drama of straight men... they are not suffering as we did", that hurts me. That suffering is close to me, in friends, my brother, colleagues. And I try to understand it and confort them, because I care.
I think that's what a bully is and I can freely admit I was bullied and bullied others as a teenager, called them gay and played the same toxic masculine game. It's complicated and much of it was directed at friends in a fucked up situation where we mocked each other but at least one was punching down as hard as possible to deflect from the fact that I was insecure and bisexual. I would flit back and forth between being friendly and sticking the boot in as hard as possible in a way that makes me disgusted with how I acted now. A lot of it is down to what we're taught and I was told by my mum that I shouldn't be gay, that it would disappoint her so I lashed out and perpetuated the same bull in my teens. Hell it's only since coming out of the closet that I can express my emotions properly and at least one of my friends doesn't know how to respond and just goes silent when I'm emotionally honest with him. I'm not excusing personal accountability but I feel we were also failed, by our parents and society, the fact that we were ok with gay people didn't change the fact that we used it as an insult and were toxic as hell.
I had inner transphobia and homophobia I dealt with and it was difficult, while having to come to terms with my own identity and sexuality. I believed I was straight female, but all of the illusion of it came crashing down. I remember my dad questioning if I was a lesbian and that was something that very much offended me, withouth even really knowing why, but the truth was that I was scared of discovering something about me, that these illusions would break, what in the end did, and I would have to get out of this comfort zone, where I was this silent person, with no real identity. I was scared of going against the norms of society, which is why I really understand both worlds. I always heard around me how others were called gay or homo and that seemed to me like an insult, because I knew nothing about this world.
I think we all have been there, one way or another. I hid my sexuality, as I said, but also cut any possibility of "show my gayness". I grew up in a society where there were demonstrations everyday against gay marriage, in a catholic family who was against gay men because it was weird and vicious (at the same time, it was the discourse of "let them be as they want... but inside their house"), and people around me at school mocked other kids just because they seemed queer. It was a joke for them, and they couldn't see, or didn't care, that it hurted them. A few years ago, I was talking with a friend of mine since we were 3 years old, and finally opened myself (he already knew I'm gay) and told him that there was a time when I went away from them because I was afraid of them. He told me that I had nothing to fear, because they didn't care about the sexuality of anyone. And I said: "yeah, you don't care now... but what about then?". And he muted. I'm optimistic because people of my generation (I'm 31) can learn, can change from one side to another. People older than me (near 40) have their experiences of pain more rooted and their bullies haven't changed at all. However, I know that there will be a part of my experience that my friends won't be able to fully understand. They admit it, and it's hard when I notice that they try to listen, and they care... but they simply just can't get the whole point of why I feel what I feel, what some things hurt me, what do I mean when I express that my whole growth is conditionated by shame and guilt. And, as they have not that experience, added to difficulty for empathy, they can listen, but not fully understand or help me as I need. A few months ago a friend had his first sex experience with a guy, and he asked me if that "weird feeling" would disappear, and if it was shame. And I said: "it's shame, yes... and now you know what I was talking about throughout all these years. That's the feeling. And it's unfair: love and sex should be beautiful... but toxic masculinity make us feel guilty. Now you know it".
