Things I can do now that I'm out (that I couldn't do before)

I work at a luxury hotel, and a few weeks ago I won an employee contest. I could pick my prize: spa treatment at the hotel massage parlor or dinner for two at the hotel restaurant?

My feet were sore, so I picked the spa treatment without really thinking about it. I turned to a co-worker and said, "Have you had the spa treatment? How is it?"

She said, "It's pretty great if you like to let strange women put their hands all over you."

All of a sudden I felt this horrible sick dread.

"Am I creepy if I go? What if I get kind of turned on? What if she sees my boxers and thinks I'm weird? I have to see her every day at work!"

It was like the girls' locker room in middle school all over again.

My partner was like, "It's her job to touch people. She won't care. Massage therapy is a very gay profession."

I really wanted that massage, so I sucked it up and went. I felt really uncomfortable at first and I was too embarrassed and ashamed to ask her to focus on my sore feet.

I did feel weird about my underwear and I did get kind of turned on, but then I realized it didn't matter. Everyone gets kind of turned on when they get a massage. It's normal. It's so normal, everyone jokes about it. At least I'm not a boy. So I relaxed.

I thought, "How did I not know I was gay until just recently? Seems like I would have figured it out the first time another girl touched me in any way at all."

Then I remembered how I used to go to great lengths to keep other women from touching me, and how, when female friends would try to hug me or put a hand on my shoulder, I would flinch and back off.

Five years ago, I would not even have considered taking the massage. I would have taken the dinner for two and told myself, "Eww, get a massage and let some girl put her hands on me? What am I, some kind of pervert?"

It's nice how I get to do normal stuff, finally.

Here are some other things I finally get to do for the first time:

- Not flirt with men. When I used to wait tables, I learned very quickly that men would treat me better if I spoke a few octaves above normal, giggled a lot, and arched my back occasionally. Unlearning that behavior was a relief.

- Have platonic male friends. That was really all I wanted from them all along, and it's great to hang out with dudes and not feel obligated to let them have sex with me. I can just be like, "Thanks but no thanks. See you later."

- Have platonic female friends. Now that my romantic and sexual needs are being met by my partner, I don't form inappropriate attachments to my straight female friends anymore. We can just be friends. I love it.

- Join a gym. I used to stress out about whether I should look or not look and what it meant if I was looking or not looking, but now it doesn't matter. Everyone's just there changing their clothes. It's cool.

What new stuff do you look forward to doing?

 

Substitute women/girlfriend in appropriate places for me.
I dress kinda generic Mom look. It would be nice to be "fabulous" once in awhile.

 

Queer fashion is the absolute best. Have you started looking at queer fashion blogs yet? There's tons of them!

 

Thinking more about it instead of borrowing from greatwhale I should have thought of something original. I rarely do things for myself. I'm really boring.I don't think being out will make a difference w/that.

 

For me, that was the worst thing about being closeted. I would go to parties and people would say horrible things about gay people and I would have to sit there and smile and pretend like I didn't feel like I had just been punched in the stomach.

Like this one time, when someone said, "Not everyone who wears glasses likes to read... just like not everyone who wears Doc Martens and has short hair is an angry man-hating lesbian! Right, Eliza?" I was like, "...yeahhhh. Ha ha ha..."


These are the fashion sites I have bookmarked. I would never wear/can't afford most of this stuff, but I use the pictures to try and get myself to try new things (and also look at pictures of hot people).

The Handsome Butch
GQ
The Sartorialist
Qwear
Lesbian a-la-mode
Fit for a Femme
Queer Fat Femme