Lately, I've been feeling like I'm standing outside this bubble my friends and family and peers are currently in. Ever since... all of elementary school, I've had trouble with social situations, and I just don't cope well when there are a lot of people around - being in a classroom and lately, speaking to other people, have been incredibly stressing situations. At school, every time I try to speak up, I'm promptly ignored and nobody seems to care that I have an opinion I want to share. Since I'm not popular, an athlete or as extroverted as I wish I could be, it seems like teachers don't want anything to do with me or just deal with me because they have to care about all their students. And my friends... well, I don't have a very creative mind, so it's hard to talk about anything other than school(work) and actually have an interesting conversation; I don't even have many friends anyway, and that, I feel, is extremely pathetic. Even online, it's hard to bring up something to talk about or keep people interested, and it makes me feel so useless, as if I really have nothing to bring to the table and I'm just wasted space. My family doesn't make it any better; at home where I'm usually comfortable being myself, is suddenly an awkward place where nobody wants to talk to me. I usually use the computer when I'm home, but when I try to talk to anyone (mom, dad, sisters) they usually ignore me and go on talking with each other. My dad recently tried to force me into the military, and I was this golden child, but when I quit this program to prepare for boot camp after a few weeks due to depression and how it made me feel unhappy, everyone hated me. So I thought that they only cared about me because I was doing something they wanted, rather than what I wanted. Is that wrong? There's only one person I can really talk to, but she's one of the busiest teachers at school, so I hardly have time to spill anything to her for advice. And this week I finally did, but I couldn't get the right words to come out and she was far too busy with tending to other students and doing errands for her classes to really pay attention. My only escape is watching farfromsubtle on Youtube since I love watching them play video games; but when I laugh it seems to attract hate from everyone at home. They HATE IT when I laugh, and I don't know why, whereas there's nothing wrong if they laugh at anything funny. It's only when I'm the one laughing that it's wrong. Though I've considered it, suicide is not something I want to do to myself, especially since I'm just a year away from going to college and finally breathing fresh air (hopefully out of state) and getting my life on the right track. But that doesn't mean the thought is completely gone. And I feel horrible for thinking of taking my life to finally rid of my presence everyone seems to hate so much. I just feel like there's some disconnect preventing me from seeing their take on what I apparently am doing wrong, and I can't fix anything since I don't know what it is I have to fix. Do I need to change my personality, my interests? Or is it the way I look? All these things make me so confused and I don't know what to do. Sorry this is so long... and probably not even in the right section.
I think you could definitely benefit from visiting your school counselor if you are having these thoughts. It can be pretty nerve wracking to do so, but you need someone who will really listen to you. As for your family, facing them head on about the subject might be your best bet. It's going to be way easier said than done, but it sounds like your mental health depends on getting answers. They are going to try and sweep everything under the rug and act like they don't know what you are talking about, but you need to make them listen. It's going to suck, and there is probably going to be a fight. However, you need to make it undeniable that there is a problem. You are their child, and they should care about what you have to say. You don't need to change yourself, other than the fact that you need to love who you are. Realize that it isn't your fault that you are being mistreated. You have to make your problems and yourself known. The only way to do that is by building your confidence. Find someone to talk to who will listen. People on this sight are a good start. You just might need a little help in your conversation skills, because you wrote this long and well though out post, so you are at least articulate and intelligent. Message someone and see if they can help you improve your social communication skills, as I'm sure many people (myself included) would love to hold a conversation with you.
No, there is absolutely nothing wrong doing what you want to do with your life. And please do not change who you are to please others, because in the end they will never be satisfied no matter what. You are unique and that makes you special; we all have different taste in music choices, the way we dress, how we carry ourselves etc. And if someone has a problem with who you are then they do not deserve to be a part of your life. Also, I think you should talk to your family about how you feel because they are not mind readers. Being ignored is one of the worst feelings ever, so perhaps you need to take more initiative and be more vocal about your opinion and feelings. I know it is not easy taking the first step, especially since you're introverted. I used to keep to myself during high school, and I wasn't all that popular. However, I preferred not to be the center of attention; having social anxiety killed any social interactions. And I admired those who were outgoing and outspoken, so I decided to open up more. I guess I was afraid that people would not like me for who I am, but I was so wrong. I developed this aura of confidence that came from somewhere magical because I have changed so much since my high school days. There are so many things I wish I would have had to guts to do while I was still in school, but I was a chicken. So, please take this time, while you're still young to step out of your comfort zone. If you want any tips, I'd be glad to share a few of my own with you, just write on my wall. Until then, hang in there
Thanks a lot, both of you. Abbra: I've tried to talk to the counselor before, but she's mainly busy with college-related things rather than counseling students, so it's hard to catch up with her if her door is locked and schedule a time to come in. But come Monday I'll go back and see what I can do - my school also has a psychologist I can talk to, so I'll try to talk to her too. My family really doesn't care about anything like that (anything personal, emotional), and whenever I try to talk seriously to them about anything, someone makes me the butt of the joke and then they just laugh at my problem even if I end up breaking down - they simply don't care and I just can't see myself winning with them. It's an unhealthy relationship, between my parents and I. My sisters usually stick with them and then it's a 4-1 battle. pinklov3ly: This [school] year, I made it my goal to open up more and be more outgoing, at least, as much as I'm comfortable with until I can exceed that. So far it's worked a little, but I know I can do better. I think expressing myself and my interests (since they're viewed as "nerdy and uncool") might help me a lot. I usually walk around school alone because I find it hard to talk to others; if I do sit with a few "friends" they eventually leave me since I can't keep a conversation, and it's just made me so upset with myself. Hopefully doing that will change how I interact with others. Thanks guys, I'm going to follow your advice and see what happens!
