I have always regarded people who play the victim with a mixture of pity and contempt. Take responsibility for your own life, I say. Do whatever it takes to master your circumstances instead of being controlled by them, I say. However, I am a hypocrite. Since I became aware of my gay feelings, my posture towards them has been that of a victim to his aggressor. I feel as though I am being "forced" to leave my wife and begin an attempt at a new life. I "must" have therapy, masturbate a certain way, try to meet men online, etc. I don't want to, but I feel like I have to -- the alternative being an intolerable state of anxiety or madness. And I'm angry as hell. But angry at who? Nobody is to blame except some part of my mind that I can't control. So all my rage and frustration is turned inwards into self-loathing. It's becoming clear that this victim perspective is the root of my paralysis and depression. And I read about other men with a totally different perspective, who experience coming out as a kind of liberation. But to me, it is a terrible obligation that I have delayed and delayed and now can simply no longer avoid. I'm not sure how to say "I want to go live as a gay man" because I don't. It's the opposite of what I want. All I can honestly say is "I have gay sexual feelings that I have to satisfy, or I will suffer very unpleasant psychological symptoms. Although I love my wife, I can't do this in the context of my marriage, therefore I must leave and attempt to find a way to live in peace." I understand that I am playing the victim and I don't like it. But on the other hand, I don't see how to take a positive attitude towards being gay. Simply put, how can I want something I don't want?