Hello everyone. In recent months I've been intensely questioning my sexuality. I have made a number of previous threads briefly expressing my feelings and reasoning behind my revelation. Anyway, I wanted to talk about something that happened last week. My girlfriend was away for the weekend, and coincidentally, my close male friend's wife was also away. We decided to go to the pub together, play some darts, have a few pints... Nothing extraordinary. So the pub closes, and we end up heading back to his to carry on drinking and to watch the the Moto GP. As the evening went on, my friend (who I perceived as 100% straight, and nothing but) starts asking me about "the most fucked up things I've done sexually". I tell him about some stuff I've done with girls, just to try and move the subject on because I know deep down I want to say "yes, I've fucked men and been fucked by men". Then out of no where he tells me his secret: he has slept with men, and is bi-sexual. I was genuinely stunned. I just didn't expect it, from him of all people it just didn't compute. I immediately responded with the truth, " yeah, me too". He replied "yeah I know, mate". He knew. I don't need to tell you what the next conversation was. Fortunately, as much as we wanted to have sex with one another, we both managed to control ourselves. Obviously the implications of us fucking could be devastating. Nothing like this has ever happened to me in my life, ever. Then, in the tiny, insignificant past two months I've been coming to terms with who I am, this happens!! Why now!? Am I giving off signals? It feels good this has happened. Affirming almost. We've talked lots since. We're both cool about it, and he is clearly at peace with who he is. We work together also, so see each other most days. I'd imagine when booze is involved again there is going to be some sexual tension, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Just wanted to tell this story. Feels good to get it off my shoulders. Thank you for this forum.x
Beautiful. The open honesty of understanding. Your next to last two sentences tell it all...getting of your shoulders. Thank you for sharing, it feels good reading, which to me says it felt right writing, well done you.
Thank you! That means a lot. It did feel right writing. It feels good, that someone else knows and I have no issue with them knowing it. So so liberating. I haven't said anything to anyone else, because I still don't know where I stand myself. I was so stunned when he told me. It really took me back!
That is so wonderful to read, your happiness comes jumping of the page. I met up with a friend for lunch last week, he was the first person I told. We had such a wonderful lunch ... on a mutual platform of knowing-understanding. Two mature aged men who both happen to be queer, eating quiche, drinking green tea and laughing about life. As you say it is so liberating, so good to share ones truth. Happy days.
Hey Aenima1997, That's a great story. And as messed up as both you guys were from drinking, I'm very glad that you both recognized that taking your relationship to a sexual level - especially given your individual, presumable exclusive relationships - would create a whole new, unwanted level to your relationship. In the end though, both of you can now be better platonic friends because you've been open about your sexuality with each other and can have 'those' kinds of conversations. More power to both of you!
This is what so wonderful about this forum. People are free to share their stories of both the perils and the pleasures of coming to terms with one's sexuality. Just being able to share opens up an entirely new vista of communication that many people starting to embrace their homosexuality; don't have in their day to day lives. I am constantly encouraged by the honest sharing of experiences that goes on EC daily. Hopefully in some small way I too contribute to the ongoing important dialogue involved as we each become our true gay self.
It's good that you were able to share and be honest with each, but I wouldn't start overthinking and worrying that you are giving off signals. Maybe to him there were signals, but he is in exactly the same place as you, so it's likely he has been looking more closely than most. A note of caution... be careful if you find yourselves together like that again and experience the same sexual tension. As things stand you are both in a (presumably) monogamous relationship with women, so you really need to think about what all of this all means and how you go forward without betraying your girlfriend or his wife. Don't go and open Pandora's box. Not trying to lecture you, but just offering a friendly bit of advice.
I am always bouyed by your self openess, Contentes, the 'vista' of clarity you present in your words, the gateway to you. Encircling ones arms around oneself, around everyone here, it is uniquely personal and indeed such a rich contibution to each others happiness and wellbeing. How we each pick up the threads, which colours we select, the ways in which we weave and sew our own cloth, scarf and flag, is the journey self made. I have understood, more and more intimately in recent days, weeks, the depth at which fear can reside in oneself, the fear of breaking out, fear of fear itself. And if 'itself' is a way of describing it, is 'itself' not then 'oneself'. Coming to that point, as if standing - there in the make believe - with Terence Stamp's character 'Bernadette Bassenger', Hugo Weaving's 'Anthony "Tick" Belrose/Mitzi Del Bra' and Guy Pearce as 'Adam Whitely/Felicia Jollygoodfellow' in 'The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert' - at the edge of a great canyon, a vista, together and yet inevitably alone, to metaphorically tear ones clothes of normality off, the straightjacket that is - has seemingly been for a lifetime - ones own perceptions and beliefs. To be rid of the falsity by seeing it and rather than rejecting, instead accepting embracing it, the good-the bad-the beautiful-the ugly of ones-self. And so become, to inhabit the 'costume' fully, not outside but inside, the very awareness that is you, is me, the rainbow is not separate. To be every nuance, every mannerism, every delight and sadness, to be human is to be aware, in this present. That gay, queer self, that complex-sensitive-creative, ever-unfolding and evolving naked homosexual fellow there in the mirror, there in your smile. He is, uniquely me. Uniquely you. You are, I am, we are each beautiful. How can we not be who we already are. This is my promise today, everyday, to myself. Happiness is this.
