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The struggle continues

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Mystic flower, May 10, 2018.

  1. Mystic flower

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    Bare with me as I ramble to process my thoughts as I am drowning.

    I am still bisexual. I am still married to a man. I am still denying myself what I crave for. I am still unhappy.
    Long story short, I've liked girls since I was a teenager but because of homophobia I repressed it. Until several years ago when my husband suggested an open relationship under his strict rules to his benefit only, and we had a third wheel for a while. That third wheel helped me stand up to my husband, but she was also toxic for me. I do miss her most days, but glad she moved away from home. There has been a couple of more women but didn't work out due to husband's strict demands and selfish nature. But I am now content with who I am. Until it hits me: I may never ever live authentically. I may never find the woman of my dreams. I may never truly live for me.

    With this contentment comes the struggle when it comes to my husband accepting me. He says he does, but I know only when it benefits him. He is into threesomes, and I don't have a problem with it as long as I get a say in it. But lately, I do not want fun and adventure, I want something deeper, something more authentic. But when it does not benefit him, my husband is jealous. He is slowly going back to his mental and emotional abusive ways, and I feel trapped. I can barely breathe. I am glad that I will be leaving my job after 11 years to move to a different job. 5 years working in the same place as my husband is too much, and I know I moved to the school under his advice so that he can keep an eye on me. He is obsessed with me, want to control me but resents me when I do not summit myself to his will.
    I am hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel used. I feel like nothing. I feel like I am not good enough. I live by a rule of do unto others what you want done to you. So I deny myself women, even though husband says it is ok to look for a female partner. As much as I want to, I do not want to hurt him the way he hurt me. His abuse was so bad, he controlled everything when we were drinking. I drank mostly to numb the pain, and the third wheel drank with us. Nothing happened for a year, it was manageable. Until one day, he convinced her to touch me. In my drunken nature, it was a surprise but it led to another thing. Once sober, and hung over, I resented myself. It took a long time to accept myself. Internal homophobia is not as toxic as it was. But it still surfaces from time to time. I want to rekindle my relationship with my husband and focus only on us. But he keeps bringing up the past. Who I've slept with, how it was. . . but that was 20 years ago! Who, stating it helps them cope with the fact that he is trying to be ok with it, keeps talking about the sex life of a teenager? We were not dating. We were not married. He has a past, too. But I don't go back to it. I accept it and do not talk about it. We were not dating. We were not married. We were kids. But he keeps bringing it up, saying it helps him cope with the fact that he is not the only guy I have slept with. How obsessive he is! How insecure he is! I am almost at my breaking point. He has hurt me in so many ways, and I forgive him. If I did what he does to me, I know he would leave me. If I did what he did to me, he wouldn't be able to handle it.
    I am tired of being strong. I am tired of being the bad guy. I am tired of being treated like a door mat.
    I want to feel safe in the arms of a woman I can trust.
    I am tired :frowning2:
     
  2. BiBarefeet

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    Hiya, listen, I feel so bad for you right now. Part of me wants to tell you to get the hell out of there, he's not right for you and never will be, not with his controlling ways. He sounds like he has major issues, and perhaps you both need to go into therapy, for different reasons...and if you did, you would both come out the other side as better people...but maybe not for each other. If you lose your guilt and realise that you want to be with a woman to be happy, then you have to think about that seriously.
    To me, just on the basis of what I have read, you are in an abusive relationship. But you have been in it a long time. He is your husband. You love him. He probably will never change his ways. So you need to decide for yourself whether you are prepared to live like that for the rest of your life. But it's your life, no one else's. Only you ultimately have the power to make your own life choices. And whatever you choose, just make sure you are happy with it. Love and light to you x
     
  3. signmypapyrus

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    I second this. Do you have any strong support networks around you to help you out? I don't know the entire situation and I want to validate your emotions and feelings, as well as reservations, but I agree with BiBareFeet that your husband sounds abusive.
     
  4. SoulSearch

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    I agree with the other posters as well. I want to tell you to leave now and free yourself of that situation, but I know it's not that easy. Do you see a therapist? I just started a month ago and it is helping me see that my desires and my feelings matter. I tend to shove them to the back in fear of hurting other people and I read in your words that you may have the tendency to do the same. What you need and want matters. <3
     
    signmypapyrus and BiBarefeet like this.
  5. SevnButton

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    Hey @Mystic flower - You have the power and the knowledge within you, if you're willing to access it. Your situation sounds really bad. You don't have to stay in a bad situation.

    No matter what else you do, you need a support group around you. Please heed what people have said on this thread.

    Love and light
    = Seven

    @BiBarefeet , "love and light" - that's beautiful!
     
  6. Mystic flower

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    Hi all,

    Thank you for your support, I have a small circle of supporters. I am so thankful for this site, my true thoughts and feelings are safe here and will not be used against me. I do know he is abusive, not to justify his actions, it was worst in previous years. I have set my boundaries, he does not like them but abides by them so that is a start. I live in an isolated community, very traditional and homophobic I am still in the closet because I know my mother will disown me. I am back in therapy and working on my biggest fear - I am not good enough. I have accepted myself as I am, and know that I am enough. Because of years of abuse, I now deal with an anxiety disorder and it is taking longer to change my mindset. One day I will be strong enough to make changes in my life that will be for me. For now, sacrificing myself daily will be easier than for my boys to deal with separation.
     
  7. SevnButton

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    Love and light -- I wish I could remember who I picked that up from so that I could give proper credit. It's a great phrase.