I always told myself I wasn't gay because I just had 'fantasies' and didn't really like guys on the street. It was easy enough to reinforce that theory by randomly pointing out a man to myself and saying 'see I don't find him attractive' so I am not gay. I also realized that very often when I did see a guy I was attracted to I would 'shut down'. A couple of years ago I was taking a barre class and a guy came in I always tried to avoid looking at his legs, bottom and front. When we chatted (he was a regular) I immediately dropped an 'I am not gay' hint ("my old girlfriend used to say') and always tried to avoid him. Last night I had the most intense romantic and sexual fantasy about him. Despite my 'not looking' I could remember his body and ... I feel so free saying this! gorgeous butt just the thought of kissing him made my heart race. But back then, in denial, the denial side of me bombarded me with all these negative feelings and I convinced myself I wasn't attracted to him. I am just starting to realize how much shame impacted my past impressions and now that I have a little bit more acceptance old encounters like that bubble up and are interpreted differently. I can't remember what any woman in that class looked like but I can remember him so vividly.