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The Piece of Myself that I Want to Kill

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Orquidia223, Mar 20, 2022.

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  1. Orquidia223

    Orquidia223
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Mexico
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's been an emotional rollercoaster of a week for me. Aside from ongoing personal problems that I'm already dealing with, I've had a lot on my mind when I try to sleep at night. To put it out there right now and in as little detail as I can, I found out a week ago that someone I used to know died in an accident. Now... this person, he and I were in a relationship at one point, he was in his late twenties and I was fifteen. It was a relationship that was doomed to fail, because I later found out that he was using me to cheat on his wife. He managed to get me to stay with him for some months, as he pressured me to do things that made me uncomfortable or even scared and manipulated me in ways that made me feel like I deserve what I was getting. He hurt me, put simply.

    But now he's dead. I guess, in a way, it should be soothing. He'll never hurt anyone the way he did to me, or my friend who I found out he was doing this to at the same time. I feel like I should hate him... but I don't. I can't. I still feel like I love him somewhat, or at least feel like I was loved even if I know that's not true. Because after feeling like I lost my family's love after being outed as gay, that's all I wanted: to feel loved, desired, that someone cares for me. And I go back to something he used to tell me: "I'll show you what it means to love a man".

    A man. This is where it ties into my gender own gender identity. I'm going to put this out right now, I despise my masculinity. I fucking hate it. I hear my voice, I look at my body, and I DESPISE how boyish I am. I hate what it represents.

    My dad is the type of "manly man" you'd expect. Harfworking
     
    #1 Orquidia223, Mar 20, 2022
    ScottG likes this.
  2. Orquidia223

    Orquidia223
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Mexico
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    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Misclicked the Create Threat button, and now I'm trying to find if I can edit or delete this post.
     
    #2 Orquidia223, Mar 20, 2022
  3. ScottG

    ScottG
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    Not out at all
    Over time I have come to hate being male. it's because it embodies all that I am not. I wish i was born female.
     
    #3 ScottG, Mar 20, 2022
  4. staticinmyattic

    staticinmyattic
    Full Member

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    Not out at all
    What a challenging, complex situation to be in. Those of us who have survived abuse tend to have many contradictory emotions about the experience. How could you not? A good therapist can help, especially since the crime that was committed against you was such a serious one. I don’t know if you need to hear this, but none of what happened was your fault.
     
    #4 staticinmyattic, Mar 21, 2022
  5. Orquidia223

    Orquidia223
    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There's no way in hell I'm going to look for a therpist again. But even so... it is hard to internalize that it isn't my fault, because for three years ever since it happened, I've been telling myself that it's just the consequence of my bad decisions and being a gay whore. Whatever the case may be, I'm trying to recover, and trying to understand what I went through. For whatever it's worth, I suppose
     
    #5 Orquidia223, Mar 25, 2022
  6. QuietProffessNL

    QuietProffessNL
    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    A few people
    What do you mean how boyish you look? Do you like lack hair? Mass? Please explain.
     
    #6 QuietProffessNL, Mar 28, 2022
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