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the perfect day ends in sadness

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Sam2, May 8, 2014.

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  1. Sam2

    Sam2
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    So my bronchitis is persistant but i have gained much strength back and no longer need to just sit around, so i asked "Gary" if he wanted to go on a real date, nothing a sick person can't do but something fun. We went to a movie, and then played a bunch of video games at the arcade near the movie theater. Then we just went to a park and watched the sunset, and well um... made out a bit haha. We started talking about the stars as the stars began to reveal themselves, we both are mesmerized by a starry night, to me its so inspirational so.. well it makes me think there just might be a higher power. We have such deep convos it's amazing. Before we had to leave just said how much he liked me, respected me and then said how sweet i am:icon_redf <that red face kinda looks bad, quite the opposite I was so happy to hear him say that. I just get close and tell him something simalar, i wish i could remember what i said.

    But the perfect date was over shadowed by me coming home. I found my mom asleep on the couch (not uncommon) i walked over to see if she was ok, her breathing was slow.... opiates slow. I looked at the pill bottle and noticed something very strange about it...... ITS MINE! (when i tossed her my empty bottle to explain my problem, she must have kept it, and refilled it) She woke up and yelled gimme my meds back

    I got right up in her face and yelled "Your meds!? you see that name? thats my name not yours bitch! Touch my dope again we'll have a SERIOUS problem!!" I was on the verge of a breakdown, so i popped 3 oxy's chewed em up and swallowed (not smart I know).

    It wasn't the dope i was angry about< im trynna quit, but i actually bared my soul to her and (literally cried out to her for help) and not even 24 hours later she steels my meds, which i'd like to ad means the dr will be calling me to ask why 1 months supply of Oxycontin is gone in 6 days.

    That and why does everything I do have to be over shadowed, how come everytime i bring up something that bothers or makes me happy, she changes the subject to herself. She's so buisy telling me how messed up her life was as a kid she fails to notice how messed up my life is and has been since elementary school.

    Today was amazing and romantic and I care for "gary more than anything else in my life right now" the thought of him smiling makes me happy. But now all I can think about is how alone i am on the addiction note. My mom certainly can't be trusted, I don't know if my dad really cares at all, but he is trying. And I'm on the Oxycontin right now......

    You think it's too much to ask to be able to go to sleep with a smile on my face instead of tears, inebriation, or just depressed to the point of being cold. I'm trying to think of "Gary" now, but the oxy is making it hard to think of anything. A great sign If i don't get ahold of myself I'll lose gary, and worse I'll hurt him. But today(Technically) is a new day, I have to be awake in 6 hours for school then work... But even though on 3 Oxy's I need more to pass out... I don't want to take them though
     
    #1 Sam2, May 8, 2014
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    Sam, your insights into your own situation is inspiring and encouraging. I'm glad you had a nice time with Gary.

    I'm also going to tell you something you already know: You're out of control with the Oxys, and I think you're telling us that as a means of trying to hold yourself accountable.

    It doesn't seem like you even need them for the pain or bronchitis at this point, and it's very clear that you don't have the ability to regulate your use of them. And you know where that leads... back to the needle.

    So you're taking really positive steps and you recognize the problem. But your mom is very clearly an addict with no boundaries, and you, yourself are at a very dangerous point.

    I am guessing you haven't made arrangements to meet with the addiction specialist doctor. Would you be willing to make a commitment to me, to us here at EC, that you will do that within the next 24 hours?

    Further, would you be willing to make a commitment to call your physician (the incompetent asshole who prescribed the stuff in the first place) and tell him, directly, that you are out of control and went through all of the Oxys? And maybe flush the rest down the toilet?

    I know that sounds drastic, but it doesn't sound like the moderation plan is working. You know as well as I do that tolerance has already grown and some sort of withdrawal will be coming. The longer you wait, the harder it will be, but the flip side is, if you do it now, it shouldn't be too bad.

    I know from everything you've written that you have the strength to get through this. It's clear you need to get out of your house and stay with someone who isn't using anything, and preferably, someone who isn't in recovery, but is simply a "normie" as a recovering-addict friend calls people who have never had issues with drugs or alcohol.

    So how about it? Would accountability help?
     
    #2 Chip, May 9, 2014
  3. Sam2

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    I do need them for the pain, my face hurts like a bitch, but yes i have absolutely no control.
    I already made an appt. with and addiction MD it's in 2 days.

    No one wants a junk bomb staying at there house. The second my friends saw that i was back on opiates... I don't know how to describe it other than the trust which had slowly built back up, was crushed like a bug. Though I personally have never stolen to support my habit the same cannot be said about my old junky friends. I don't want to impose such a huge burden on gary so I'm not going to ask him.
    My heroin dealers would be more than willing, ain't that a bitch?

    This couldn't be happening at a worse time, i've missed so much school and work from getting injured and THEN sick that I'm probably gonna lose my fuckin job. My dean told me it's not likely I"ll be graduating......... I know.... *thought I had strength with this. But I'm quickly losing hope, of all times in my life for this shit to happen, it happens one week away from graduation.
    I'm so angry I can feel my blood boiling, I don't even know a way to properly express it. I want to bail the guy who punched me out of jail, find him and stomp him the fuck out(Which reminds me I have to post an update on that).

    as for the pills now in my possession, I returned them to the pharmacy. I seriously regret this decision but I'm willing to bet that in 5 years (assuming I'm not dead) i will look back at this as a point of strength. I'm trying so hard to stay positive, but i don't even know how to do that. Gary called but i told him i couldn't hang out today (You'd have to know me at a personnel level to know that when I'm in the place I'm currently in I have incredible animosity toward others. I've started fights because of it, I've gotten expelled for threatening a teacher, which is something i would never do except of course when my dopamine levels are so low, There isn't a friend out there who I haven't flipped out on or yelled at because I wanted to get high, which is another reason they don't want me staying at their house *completely understandable) I have no where to go but the streets and I've been homeless(shit i was homeless in denver for 8 months straight), I know most of the junky hang out spots, so I think it would be better to stay here.

    There is no doubt in my mind that Gary is putting the pieces together, or at least realises something serious is wrong. So I'm going to tell him when I've calmed down. and hopefully he won't dump me, But i can't blame him if he does.
     
    #3 Sam2, May 9, 2014
  4. all paths

    all paths
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    I had missed this post until I went looking for maybe why you said you didn't have such a great day, today. I'm so sorry. :frowning2:

    On another note, though: I could not be more proud or happier that you've both followed through on making the addiction MD appointment, AND that you did that incredible thing of taking the meds back to the pharmacy! Holy cow!!! :icon_bigg :eusa_clap

    I have a thought, Sam: Are there any YMCA's in your area? You can stay there for a time. I am not sure what the criteria are (I can go look it up though), but I'm sure that if you go there and tell them that you're an addict and are trying desperately to get clean from a current botched situation with a negligent doctor who gave you what you're addicted to -- and especially that you're trying to find a place to stay that will be a clean environment for you, because you have at least 1 (2 if your brother is there?) addict family member(s) at home -- that they will either not turn you away, or be able to direct you to someplace safe you can stay, which is clean.

    I wholeheartedly beg you to do this, because you have a very broken environment, at home, which is a double whammy for you: It degrades your emotional and psychological wellbeing (stress contributing to your drive to use), AND it is basically a drug den full of addicts. :/

    You could probably even just *call* the nearest Y and ask them if you can stay, and for how long, or if they know of another resource/place where you can. (Don't necessarily have to show up on their doorstep.)

    (*hug*)

    You're really inspiring to me. I really mean that. <3

    And hey...I'm so stoked to hear how nice and awesome the date with Gary was. (*tiny squee* :grin: )

    ---------- Post added 9th May 2014 at 09:51 PM ----------

    OH - also: If not the YMCA, I know for instance in my area that there are church-run organizations which will offer free housing to those in need.

    Here we go:

    This is the website of the Association of Gospel Rescue Missions:

    AGRM- Home


    There are several locations listed in your state, with their phone numbers. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 all paths, May 9, 2014
  5. Sam2

    Sam2
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    haha yea the pharmacist looked at the bottle, then me and said "Kid you're 1 in a million. We can't catch every addict who uses us, but it was becoming clear you have a problem, she gave me a number of an addiction therapist"
    While what she said was very nice, I couldn't bring myself to be very nice in response (kinda hard when the beads of sweat on my back hurt) But i just smiled and said "Thank you, I do have a problem but I'm trying my best" then left.

    As for a place to stay, I am not comfortable staying at a YMCA or any church run organization, I don't get along with most Christians (Most people who have harassed me were christian and used that as their excuse, i know jesus preached nothing but peace and love but after years of abuse, I hated* christians. I put the star there because my anger is a problem as well, and just cuz some ass holes used jesus to excuse their treatment of me, does not mean all christians are like that. But it is going to take some time.)

    But i've been speaking to friends and they are considering letting me stay for a little while, till i get my shit figured out. I have been too scared to tell "gary" But I'm just trying to think of a way to tell him that would shock him least haha
     
    #5 Sam2, May 10, 2014
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    Sam, you're doing great, and you continue to inspire me with the level of self-awareness and commitment to self-control you're showing.

    I think, too, the self-awareness you're showing around the anger issues, and your way of addressing the issue by isolating yourself and minimizing contact with others during the most difficult periods is really, really powerful and shows enormous strength.

    I concur that, right now, any religiously-centered organization would probably not be your best bet given the combination of being gay, coming off of opiates, being in pain, and not feeling grounded.

    I can offer one piece: I wouldn't stress about graduation. There are lots of degree completion programs that will allow you to finish up whatever you're short on and still grant you a high school degree. You also have the option of doing the GED. If you plan on going to community college, then it totally won't matter whether you have a GED or HS diploma, as nobody cares once you have an associates degree or better.

    There are, in most places, non-religious support resources (basically, halfway houses) for recovering addicts, and there are some that are free, so that might be a good place to look. Your school guidance counselor might be able to hook you up with a social worker to help you.

    Getting out of your house (and changing your phone number) will be really crucial, so one way or another, whether with friends or with others, that needs to happen soon.

    And on the pain front... this may be a ridiculous question, but have you tried high doses of ibuprofen? Relatively speaking it isn't very liver toxic, and in high doses, it's pretty effective in reducing pain.

    As you are probably aware, because you were an opiate addict, and because you have recently taken substantially more than your prescribed dosages, your body is going to have hypersensitivity to pain for some time (usually several weeks) after your last opiate use. But the ibuprofen, while it won't do as good a job as an opiate, should take the edge off of the pain at the very least. There are other non-opiate pain killers as well that hopefully your addiction specialist will be able to suggest.

    I'm glad you're posting regularly. Please stay with it. We're here to help.
     
    #6 Chip, May 10, 2014
  7. all paths

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    I'm glad some of your friends are willing to help you out.

    And I understand about your discomfort, thinking of staying with any church-related group. I am sorry about that :frowning2: (on Christians' behalf, since I am one myself).
     
    #7 all paths, May 11, 2014
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