The last month i've come a long way. I went from not knowing trans was a thing to being comfortable identifying as female(to myself that is). I've chosen the name Samantha and changed all my accounts on websites to fit my identity, which means i'm sort of out to my skype contacts, although nobody's said anything about it. Still havent worked up the courage to ask anyone to call me that, and now i keep getting irritated at people misgendering me, even though they have no way to know.It's worst when i misgender myself, but i understand it takes some time to stop something you've done for 16 years. It's weird suddenly having an explanation for all those habits and emotions i didn't really think about before. Like the fact that i decided i was a male lesbian before i knew what trans was. Reminding myself i'm actually female helps with depression, but it also makes me think about how terrible my body is. I'm afraid of even attempting to pass, since if i do my best and still fail i don't know what i'd do. I feel like i'm too tall and my face is to masculine and my voice is too deep and so on and so on. Also i'd have to ask my mother for help with makeup and such and that would be horribly awkward.
I know those feelz all too well. How do you think your mom would react if you told her? If you know shell take it well, why not tell her how you feel?
Welcome Samantha! It's going to take time for people to gender you correctly. For me, there was a span of time after I'd realised I was trans where I got so frustrated by being misgendered. I never said anything - most of these people were strangers, and frankly I don't pass even at my best (I've been sir'd once, by an old woman, while she was staring at the back of my head. Yeah.) but it really tore me up a lot inside. It still frustrates me now, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that without hormones, there's only so much I can do. So I've got to do what I can, and keep looking forward. Right now, for me, that means losing fat and building muscle, which is a hellish and slow process. But I digress - I think that's the key, doing what you can and looking forward. As far as makeup goes, do you want to try it out? Buy yourself a big bottle of makeup remover and some cheap cosmetics and brushes. There's thousands of makeup videos on youtube, and thousands of tips around the internet - you don't need to ask your mom for tips if you're not comfortable.
I want to try makeup, but my social awkwardness and dysphoria wouldn't exactly make buying it or talking to my mother about it easy.
Well hey, Halloween is coming up! One day a year that makes life a million times easier for all us gender variant folk. So if it helps or you feel like you've gotta have an explanation handy, you could always smile and say it's for a costume. Honestly most cashiers I've found won't even bat an eyelash. I know it doesn't make that "oh no I'm buying cosmetics in full view of everyone" feeling go away though. My bare minimum kit is a shade lighter and a shade darker than my skin tone for foundation, some blush, and a brush. The dark stuff goes everywhere, the light stuff goes on the cheeks nose and chin, and the blush helps hide anywhere any hair I couldn't get with the razor shows through. Soap and water will get it out of the brush, and soap water and a washcloth in the shower is all the make-up remover I ever need and I used to cake it on. If you look in the mirror and she is just not shining through sometimes a little mascara helps with that. I guess everyone's different but the way I do it is I move from the inside out and try for that wing shape. Eyeshadow feels weird because it's nothing like your skin tone but when you actually get it on you see why. If you ever see those kits with tons of colors, most of those are eyeshadow. But this helps too. Lipstick I would just go with neutral shades if at all, or maybe lip gloss, but not really necessary. I'm also going to a friend of mine that knows how to shape eyebrows so I'll still be passable when I have my boy suit on. Also have you considered earrings? That's something boys do too so you don't have to feel nervous. I got both of 'em. I did it at a girl's jewelery store in boy mode because I was feeling daring and kinda pushing myself but there's a bunch of piercing places in little booths in most malls, and I've seen all sorts in those. Clip on earrings are something else that could be part of a costume too.
Everything that Cassie said! She probably knows more about makeup than me, I was never very good at it. Also, a lot of stores are putting in self-checkouts. You might not need to worry about cashiers either.
Right now we're living with my grandparents, so i don't really have the privacy to experiment. I'll try to work up the courage when we move into a new place(which should be soon). And halloween isn't really celebrated in Sweden, and since i've already told people i'm questioning my gender, it wouldn't really work. And i've never liked the idea of piercings, they're scary.
Halloween in America is a very distinctive thing. It's different here than other countries, for sure. You could say you're picking things up for your mother, or if you're experimenting with anything particularly flashy, for your sister. It might make for a better excuse. But if you want to know the truth, most people won't judge you. I know from working registers, after a while, you don't even think about what you're ringing up or for who. If that helps you any. It's true. I can see why you'd want to wait until you have a little more privacy though.
