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The first time I worried I might be gay

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by skloorrpt, Jun 1, 2020.

  1. skloorrpt

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    I would say that I've only been worrying about the fact that I might be gay, or at least not straight for a little over a year at this point, but that might not be completely accurate. I think that I have only begun to take it seriously since then, but there was a time or two before that when I was worried.

    I don't remember exactly when this happened, but I think I was around 16 or 17. One day I woke up early in the morning from a dream that had me worried I was gay. At the time I was still somewhat religious, and the thought that I might be gay freaked me out big time. It sounds silly, but I felt like this dumb little dream triggered a full on crisis. It was a Sunday morning and I remember that my family and I were on the way to church when I finally managed to convince myself that it meant nothing, of course I wasn't gay. Initially, I remember feeling panicked and confused, but I fairly quickly (within two or three hours) convinced myself that it was just a stupid dream. I still realize that dreams may not mean anything, especially ones like this, but this is just something I have been thinking about recently so I figured I'd make a post about it and see if anyone else has any input.

    If I remember correctly, after I convinced myself it was nothing, I stopped worrying about it for a while. There was one other time though, I'm not exactly sure when. It could have been a few days later, or maybe even a couple of months later. I can pretty distinctly remember this for some reason. I was driving around and for some reason the thought popped into my head, "Maybe you're gay, or maybe you're bisexual." I can super distinctly thinking to myself "Well, if I am bi, I'll just have to find a girlfriend." The reason I thought this was because the idea of having to come out to my Catholic family was just too much, and it still is I suppose. I guess I figured if I was bi I could just find a girlfriend and no one would ever have to know. But now I'm not so sure that I'm interested in having a girlfriend anymore.

    So I guess that is the story of the first time I briefly questioned my sexuality. It might not mean anything, but I figured it might help just to get it out there. I never thought of it as a very significant event, but it's been on my mind a little bit, and I've never really talked about it before. Though lately, I've been starting to wonder if it was some sort of early sign that I might not be straight.
     
  2. Revive

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    Hi! Thank you for sharing your story!
    It must be hard to be in a place where it's difficult to discuss this. Luckily you found this platform, I must say everyone is very supportive on here.
    I think it could mean like anything. You could be gay or bi, but you could also be straight and just wondering about it. The only way to find out is to not stress about it too much (that's hard, I know) and just see what lemons you come across and whether they give you gay, bi or straight lemonade. I personally remember when I found out I was not straight, there had been some 'signs' before I noticed them (that means when I was 8 I probably had some sort of crush on a girl). But I can also imagine it isn't that black and white. I hope you can safely continue your journey in this and you'll be able to give yourself the space you need.
     
  3. solarcat

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    Dreams are a bit tricky. It could be less a sign that you are gay or bi, and more a sign that you're subconsciously wondering about it. Sexuality is also a bit of a blurry area with few real rules. A straight man can think other men are attractive without being attracted to that man himself. You could even have some attraction, or just curiosity, and still be straight.

    Like Revive said above, try not to worry too much about it. See how others make you feel, and try to be honest with yourself.
     
  4. Inlife88

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    I agree that dreams are not 100% accurate. The fact that you have thought about it more since the dream could mean something. If you are in college, not sure if you are, why not experimen? I wish I could go back in time and have at least 1 same sex date.

    Peace and Love
     
  5. skloorrpt

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    Thanks for the reply. I'm glad there is a place like EC for me to get this all out there and even hear some other opinions and experiences. I have made a few posts here and people have given good responses and been supportive.
    Over the last few months I have been starting to think that I'm probably not 100% straight. I know I've said that before in other posts, but I still feel like I can't say anything for sure, but I'm hoping I might be able to soon.
     
  6. skloorrpt

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    I know that I worry about it too much, and I wish I could figure it out so I could put an end to that. Like I said I never really thought too much of the dream when it first happened, and I still don't think it meant enough of anything to help me figure this out. Thanks for taking the time to reply.
     
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  7. skloorrpt

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    I just graduated, unfortunately I wasted my time at college when it comes to my social life and any exploration of my sexuality. I do regret that, but I don't think I had the confidence or self esteem to experiment or even go on a date with anyone. Now I'm not only worried I don't have the courage to do that, but I also worry it's going to be a lot harder now that I'm not in school anymore. Thanks for reading my post and replying.
     
    Inlife88 likes this.