So, as I have mentioned before, I am married, to the most amazing woman. We have talked in the past, lightly, about thinking about having a same sex experience. I am very open to it , but she has said she would not be interested. Last time we talked about it was 6 months ago, so how do I say that I do want to try it? Would rules and bohndries need to be set? Finally, the rule of threes, what if I really enjoy the experience?
There is no real easy way to bring this up except to be very honest about it. In my case, I told my wife that I needed to experience something of my same sex parts of my sexuality. I discussed going to Pride festivals, meeting other gay men (platonically) and doing some role playing with her which amount to me discussing the sort of men I was attracted to. We started by just checking out guys together. This, in a way, was very good for me. I could, look at a guy and say to my wife "that guy is hot" and we would laugh about it. I made my same sex desires just part of who I am and little by little it became OK. My wife was the one who suggested I do some exploration. And, I responded with "let's set some rules that you are comfortable with". Those rules expanded as she became comfortable with it all. Currently, I have a boyfriend. More of a friend with benefits I guess. He spent the weekend with us at our cabin and he and my wife went skiing and cooked dinner together like old friends (we are NOT doing a threesome thing). It was just her being friendly with my friend who I happen to get intimate with. It is possible to have it all. As far as really enjoying the experience? You probably will if you meet the right guy and there is chemistry. I've been with about ten guys since we opened the marriage (most of it really light fooling around). I found the experience not all that great compared to intimacy with my wife. But, my current FWB is totally different. This is as good as anything I experienced. It is comparable to when I first started having intimacy with my wife when I was young. Right now, I almost cannot think of anything else but getting to be with this guy. I know it will end (the newness and infactuation) I'm a realist. But be careful and be sure you and your wife are in a really good place if you go down this path.
NickW's experience is a really positive example of what can happen if everyone is open and vulnerable and willing to reconsider long-held views. I don't think it's a common outcome, though it's one that can be hoped for. I would suggest, as Nick indicated, being honest. It may be threatening to your wife, and perhaps one thing you may need to consider is whether there is any reasonable possibility you might actually be gay... because that will likely be a question that comes up when you talk to your wife. So this may require some real thought and soul-searching on your part. Have you tried masturbating fantasizing about guys, and comparing that with fantasizing about your wife, or other girls? What sort of arousal do you get thinking about guys rather than girls? This can give you an inkling of where your arousal lies. As for the idea that you might enjoy the experience... I would be inclined to say that that's a possibility, and so it is probably something you need to think about. I would not suggest ignoring it and hoping it will go away... our Later in Life area is full of threads of people who did that, and it didn't turn out well. This is tough territory, but I think you're doing the right thing by thinking about it and looking at exploring it.
@Inlife88 After reading Chip's response I wanted to clarify that I am assuming that you are bisexual and that you are, indeed, already REALLY out to your wife and she is accepting of your sexuality as, I recall, you previously posted. I had mentioned to my wife, when we met, that I was bisexual but she has no memory of that because I made it such a passing statement that it never really registered with her. We had such an active sex life early on that she lost track of it. So, you may need to reintroduce your sexuality to her. She may not consider it real since you haven't continued the conversation. Starting out with "remember honey I said I was bisexual and now I want to bonk guys" may go over very very poorly. Also, Chip's caution about really knowing where you are on the spectrum of sexuality (straight-bi-gay) is important. But, I'm not sure I knew where I was until recently. I would have said I was a Kinsey 1 (passing interest in guys) at first. Now, as I've accepted it. I'm a solid Kinsey 3. For awhile I even wondered if I was gay. Because, at first, I was so excited to be with guys that it was consuming. Now, the meter has moved more to center. Some find themselves further up the scale after they accept their sexuality and do some exploration and it stays there. I'm not suggesting sexual fluidity...not sure I believe in that. But, I am suggesting that as you learn more about yourself you may discover your sexuality is not quite what you believed it to be. I've talked to a few guys about this. And, I think one thing to discuss with your wife is that you might not know how gay you are. I think that is only fair....but, you'll have to judge for yourself if you want to have that conversation.
It depends with me on my mood what gets me excited. The last time I had fun, I was not looki g at anyth ok ng, just thoughts in my mind. I could not finish, until I thought of pulling down a guys pants, taking his underwear off and beginning a blow job, but recently I have been thinking of the subject more and more.
So if I'm hearing you correctly, the strongest fantasies for you (not talking about porn, but thoughts in your mind) are coming from imagining some sort of sexual activity with a man. If this is the primary thing that excites you (meaning, thinking about women does not, or not as well), then that is usually a pretty clear indication that your attraction and arousal lies more toward men than women. This is worth spending some time experimenting with in diffferent sessions (unless you already know the answer), as it may influence how you want to approach this with your wife. I'm sure that thinking about this is terrifying, as it could potentially pull the rug out completely from your stability. So keep in mind, there's no need to decide or do anything immediately; take your time, contemplate, and try and get a clearer picture of where you stand. And then you can think about what to do next.
@Inlife88 I am curious about a few things. How old are you? How long have you been married? Are your and your wife still sexually involved and how often? Do you fantasize about her? Lots of questions, I know...and, they may be sorta private and you may not want to answer them.
I am 30, married a little over 2 years, sex happens sparaddically, and not much fanticising. Growing up, I was in a very conservative family, Rush Limaugh in the car while on a family road trip, for example. When I went to college my parents made it seem like everyone was out to get me, dont do this, dont do that. So I did not become sexually active till I was 26. I felt like I wasted my 20s when I could have been crazy and tried different things. It does make a lot of things hard, like making up my mind is a task.
It has taken a few days for me to process, but I would say yes. Thoughts were great in the beginning, but after getting married and having arguments, I always imagined our lives would be different. I have often said she should find someone better than me because I am not enough for her and she has said the same thing but to me it is complicated.
For a couple that has only been married such a short time, it would seem like there are, at a minimum, some issues in your marriage. Have you tried some marriage counseling? Have you tried any counseling to discuss your same sex attractions? None of us can, really, put ourselves in another person's situation. But, as a bisexual, when I was newly married, and having a lot of hetero sex and in a heterosexual relationship, I hardly even looked at men. After my wire lost her sexual desires, I started to really desire men again. One of the things that happens to guys when they discover they are gay, more than bisexual, is that they start to lose attraction to their wives. So, I wonder if you are starting to realize your same sex attractions might be stronger than you realize?
