It’s been a difficult week. The first few days were calm, respectful and sensitive. The shock is beginning to dissipate and there are a lot more emotions. He wants to fight for me but wants to respect that I need to figure things out. Right now where we stand I said I do not know where I am among the spectrum of sexuality so if I am at all bi then maybe there is a chance we can figure this out together but if I am gay then I can’t give him what he needs in a marriage. I feel guilty potentially leading him on. I feel like there is a good chance I am a lesbian and will not be able to give him the intimacy he wants but a small part of me is hopeful that maybe I am bi and can figure out how to make this work with him. I haven’t been intimate with him for many months and now that he knows about my sexuality he took the lack of intimacy a lot harder. He was hopeful that as we work on our relationship in therapy, and we have been making progress, that the intimacy would return. Now he recognizes there a big chance we will not get there. He’s conflicted because he wants me to figure this out for myself and he wants to be with me but he doesn’t like having to wait. I hate seeing the pain he is going through and I am trying to stay strong with where I stand but it’s difficult. During these intense talks our hugs can be much more emotional and intense and a part of me wants to give in and let the intimacy be there but I fear I’ll feel the same way as before and I am only doing it as a desire to make him happy. I care for him but I’m not sure I can ever be intimate with him again.
Hi yeah it can be hard and very exhausting and draining, when i told the woman i was living with. I got a lot of the same responses, where she wanted to keep our relationship going even though i had told her i can't.. and its been almost a year since we broke up and i moved out and now we're still friends and see each other once in awhile.. He may look at it as he's seeing what he thought was a life time, vanishing before his eyes. & looking for a way to hold on to it. You can only do what is best for you, and try to minimize any pain and hurt. How he deals with it or how he reacts, is something you have no control over.. Hang in there.. Lol Ro
I guess you have to look at things as for you have feelings for men? Your husband? Maybe try to remember why you loved him orginally? For me, I'm on the bi spectrum but lean towards women. I understand these feelings are new and can literally take over. It's like you loved chicken but all of a sudden someone is offering you pizza and you cant get pizza off your mind.
I think what’s difficult right now is how he is reaching out for more physical affection and with emotions running high it is stirring something within and part of me wants to follow through with that feeling and then another part of me wants to resist because it’s happened like this before and then once in it I felt like it was the wrong choice. I know the situation is different now and it could potentially be different with us or just make it that much more difficult and final if I try to be intimate and then do not want it. I thought I was attracted to men but looking back I think intimacy with men has always been a little off... the times when it was more aligned for me is when I feel an intense desire to be with a particular guy and feeling like he’s out of my league a little... that’s how it was when I first met my husband. I wanted him and therefore I wanted to give him intimacy to please him. Or I could be making these thoughts up as I try tonrelflext and analyze the situation. The last time we had sex (when I was already questioning but hadn’t told him) we had been working on connecting more emotionally and from that I did feel the desire to be intimate but once we started it didn’t feel the same for me... that same desire to initiate didn’t to stay with me. I just fear all these emotions are being stirred as I do care for him but again not sure if I can be intimate.
I can really relate to this, in reflection I realize that I was attracted to my ex wife’s personality more than anything. I wanted her to be my best friend. Sure in the beginning she had initiated things and we became intimate. But it wasn’t there for me in the bedroom or her either. And it’s not because I didn’t love her. It’s because I couldn’t provide the intimacy she needed as she couldn’t provide mine. And emotions will always be what they will. And sometimes they get the best of us. We had long arguments about sex and how it should be and how frequently it should happen and 7 years ago I told her I was gay. And that changed the dynamic. We were still intimate at times but we were holding our marriage together trying out of love to provide something in that department for the other. One day, while we were talking it was like a light bulb clicked on. She looked me in the eye and said. This isn’t working because you and I want the same thing from a lover. I said how’s that? She said we both want a man that will take our breath away, to love us unconditionally, and take care of us. I smiled. Tears rolling, and said you get it. It wasn’t an easy road to go down, but at this point I couldn’t imagine not having gone down it. Every woman I was ever with was in part to my loving their personality and trying to live a life that my parents wanted for me. It took me 38 years to come to grips with what I had known since I was 5 or 6 when I kissed the boy next door.(that’s a whole different story) all because I was raised to be against what I was my whole life. And I finally had enough and got to the point where I needed to live my life for me. Take things slow, take your time and get to know who you are. Then make decisions. Are they always going to be easy? No. As you go through your process and figure out where you are, and if it will work or not, then the decisions will come to you. I hope it works out the best way possible for you. In the way you need it to. Wether Bi, or gay, be the best you you can be. We only get one shot at life, there is no rewind. We need to seize the moments and make the best of them. To live the best life we can.
I totally get it. I find that when I'm distracted and not thinking of women my feelings for guys (and my husband) are a lot stronger. I remember when I was off on mat leave with our last child and feelings for women came rushing back and I lost my attraction to men. Then I went back to work and was like holy shit what the hell is going on with me? My feelings for my husband came back and I fell for a male coworker. Feelings for women were nonexistent. Now I'm off with the baby and my feelings for women are so strong. I honestly think for you and I, hopefully our husbands will love us enough to let us figure this out. I've read that it's not uncommon for women to become more attracted to each other as we get older. I personally feel like I fluctuate back and forth with my feelings for men and women. But I sometimes wonder if actually being with a woman will finally help me stick to one gender.
