Super confused as to what my internet behaviors mean and if this means I am a bsiexual or lesbian?

re: my last post above i didnt initially mention the two brief (lasting a few minutes) arousing sexual thoughts (no mastabation just thoughts) about a female collegue and a female celebrity. Both thoughts happend once and whilst arousing for the first few minutes after i felt no desire to repeat thoughts and when seeing my female colleague at work i had no desire to be with her and shes a great person but no feelings there. The same with the female celebrity, after the brief arousing thoughts i felt no desire to repeat thoughts and when i saw her again on tv i acknowledged her being pretty but no feelings of attraction. Was going to mention it before but as it was brief and discontinued i didnt think anything of it. If anyone thinks this is something sexualiry defining feel free to share any thoughts.

And that concludes everything including the very very small details regarding actions ive engaged in that conflicts real life feelings that have confused me .glad to have got it all out there.

 

A big virtual hug to all you wonderful people for being so kind with your time, I know I keep repeating that but the fact that you don't need to help me or others out on here with our issues and the fact that you are is for me just something I am truly grateful for! I do really hope to give back in the same way you all have in helping someone else out when I am in a better place mentally.

@Lia444 and @silverhalo Thanks, to just further clarify from my side do you both mean if I am end up in a relationship with a guy and can only orgasm with him by thinking of women then that would be a time to re-evaluate further and for now just carry on and focus on who I am attracted to in real life and if its just men to just go with straight?

 

@Cinnamon Bunny Thank you for sharing your story, its truly appreciated. I am not sure what my natural fantasies are to be honest, I did once fantisise about a fictional woman (inspired from porn that I watch and have used to fantisise with porn before) once without the use of porn but the fact that it was a similar fantasy to the one I had when aroused by viewing porn made me question if it was a natural fantasy. I did also have a sexual thought that was arousing about a female colleague some months without masturbating just thoughts that lasted all but 2 mins and then I just had a blank feeling. I checked out the colleague in real life i.e. at work and again jsut a blank feeling Similar thing happened with a brief sexual thought of a celebrity woman-no masturbating- but thought disappeared after 2 minutes and when I saw the celebrity woman again on tv-i had a blank feeling. I still have a blank feeling for both the colleague who I see as a friend and the celebrity woman.
I hear you on the complexity of it all and just focusing on living. Yes, my anxiety is not good at all in the sense that I if I rely on memory alone, I start doubting the memory so I've noted that. I have found writing down all these conflicting actions that I have never analysed before just in and of itself really therapeutic in the sense that I am starting to find myself, like deep down I am getting closer to finding some solace in all of this. I have always had anxiety in different areas of my life and I have learnt in those areas to just let it go after seeking answers usually by medical professions due to health anxiety and learning more about whatever was stressing me out, with my sexuality though the anxiety wouldn't leave because I wasn't aware that unpacking all of this would bring some light and knowledge of sexuality and leave me feeling just more empowered by understanding it all.

@Creativemind Thank you too for your contribution to this discussion.

 

re: my last post above i didnt initially mention the two brief (lasting a few minutes) arousing sexual thoughts (no mastabation just thoughts) about a female collegue and a female celebrity. Both thoughts happend once and whilst arousing for the first few minutes after i felt no desire to repeat thoughts and when seeing my female colleague at work i had no desire to be with her and shes a great person but no feelings there. The same with the female celebrity, after the brief arousing thoughts i felt no desire to repeat thoughts and when i saw her again on tv i acknowledged her being pretty but no feelings of attraction. Was going to mention it before but as it was brief and discontinued i didnt think anything of it. If anyone thinks this is something sexualiry defining feel free to share any thoughts.

And that concludes everything including the very very small details regarding actions ive engaged in that conflicts real life feelings that have confused me .glad to have got it all out there.

 

Again thank you all so very, very much for the last bit and for everyone single one of you who has taken part in this thread. I can't emphasize enough how much all your patience and time has really helped me understand sexuality and myself better. When I started this post, I was in a really difficult place because I just felt alone as I had no one to talk to and can't afford therapy. Now, a few posts later the process of answering the variety of questions on here and taking time out to evaluate those questions and really spend time alone alongside all your diverse and helpful responses has made me feel clearer on sexuality.

Its been a really rough time for the past few months and you've ALL helped me just move on now. There's nothing else I have to further analyse on this issue and like you all said to just let it go and live life now and be open to experiences and whatever direction life takes me.

A huge hug to you all

 

Hey all,

So after I posted on here feeling just super relaxed I thought it would be a great idea to let one of my friends know about whats been going
on with me over breakfast today as she has noticed that I have not been myself for the past few months and
she basically asked me a whole bunch of questions and then noted the smallest thing I do and told me that the fact that I
regularly check up on 2 or 3 female celebrities social media pictures updates means I should analyse that despite the fact that I've
never had an arousal or fantasy linked to those female celebrities. I think I check them out for style/fitness goals
but never analysed it as there was no arousal or desire to fantasize around them at all.
She said she doesnt really do that as she isn't into celebrity culture and she
said she just wanted to help me think through everything but didn't have any knowledge on sexuality
so just left me there at breakfast with doubtful thoughts looming over me. Does anyone relate and is any of what I do sexuality defining?


Again you've all been brillaint in helping me understand this all and please feel free to ignore this last attempt at re
assurance caused by a friend who means well but has made me question the smallest of smallest things. I understand her great intentions (she has hooked me up with a couple of free anxiety counselling sessions after telling ehr about my general anxiety a few months back), which is why she is a great friend but I dont think she understands the amount of time I've already given to this whole thing.

Sorry for being annoying ya'll. I really wish now I didnt have that discussion as the whole thing sounds so silly.

 

Aww thanks a bunch ya'll for being such and making me feel less alone in all of this. ohh and its 2 celebs and one not so famous model who has a really great style. Yes, I would most definitely know if i were regularly checking up for some sort of sexual or romantic thing, which is what I said to my friend. But yea just sharing this with people who've read my full story and who are objective (my friend is too but again I didn't tell her everything over breakfast due to time and she did let me know she hasn't really got into understanding how sexuality works and was kind enough to let me know that its best to seek some more understanding on it).

And thank you all for not thinking of my as annoying and silly, I just felt really bad about taking up anymore of your time.

 

Aww thanks @silverhalo, that is exactly what I intend to do. I aim to come back and help out and give back and it really is hard to go through this alone and because the community here is amazing! I'll make sure to let everyone I meet in life know about this platform irrespective of what they choose or choose not to identify as in terms of their orientation.

A niggling thought-but if I were to check other social media non celebrity profiles out of women that are models etc on Instagram who have a good following say 150k regularly but obviously aren't famous would the same thing apply i.e. not to make anything of it unless I am feeling some form of attraction, romance, arousal or fantasy. Based on all of your responses I figure the answer is yes that is the way to gauge it but just wanted to make sure im on the same page.

 

Thanks silverhalo and no you are absolutely not making me go back to confusion at all, you raised valid points and cinnamon bunny did the same when discussing that it isn't all so clear cut so I take both your experiences on board and appreciate it.

And yes absolutely, no one can tell me what I am as know no one knows whats truly going on irrespective of how I try to explain it. I guess, its more of a I know deep down what my feelings are in real life in that i've spent most of this year truly being honest with myself and searching whether there was any desire however small to experiment with a woman or desiring however small a romantic relationship with a woman and truly focusing on this area and finding that there was no desire at all. This led to then analyzing why i have done what I've done on this thread as it was confusing and maybe I just always thought your internet actions/fantasies should always add up to =real life feelings and when this
didnt happen for me it made me wonder what was wrong with me hence the start of this thread. I am and will always remain open to this changing though but right now just working on how I feel right now at this time of my life.


I am just really bad at analyzing why I do things as usually I just do it and rarely think about it unless a situation occurs where it prompts me to evaluate, so I cant really say that exact reason why I go to the two female celebs and the non famous model on
instagram page (not naked or sexy model but a fashion/beauty model) all i know is that I am not going there and being aroused or
having a reaction that is anywhere close to romantic feelings. I also do not as regularly check female celebs/ influences page for reasons I can identify such as a singer whose posts I find inspiring, an entrepreneur who I follow etc. Its very possible that due to the non famous model and two female celebs representing the fitness goals/style that I am aiming for is the reason I check up on them but again I just dont think about why I am on there when I do visit their page. If someone asked what do I think of them, the words I would use is "pretty, fit and stylish" so maybe that's why I follow them. I found the non famous model page when a male fashion model linked her and checked back on her page. I don't check every day but yea I guess thats as far as I am able to dissect this area.

I do visit several male celebs page i.e. updates on upcoming movies/ any new pictures and thinking one in particular is attractive but he is also
really smart so thats the main reason why I like to check his social media out.

Thats all I can come up with in terms of analyzing this particular area. Grateful for your reply.

 

Thank you for your kind words, nothing you said distressed me all actually your perspective was helpful as nothing about the idea of bisexuality or being a lesbian is frightening to me at all but I just wanted to understand how that would work around my reality of not desiring to experiment or be in a romantic situation with a woman. You sharing your experience and everyone else has really helped
me so please don't worry as I've learnt so much and am incredibly appreciative!

Thanking for sharing what you've learnt
and for you input on the social media bit. Yea, as stated on my post above I think I follow the 2 female celebs and the non famous model for
style/fitness inspiration but I just never ever asked myself why do you follow them and don't have the most concrete answer, all I know is that dont have any feelings for them when I go to their pages. I mean one posted a bathing suit outfit and I did feel inspired to
buy a similar outfit. Other times, I just look at their pictures and outfits without much analysis if that make sense.