study: Children know who their parents favourite is

I used to have a jerk stepdad who showed extremely obvious favoritism towards my youngest sister because she was the "normal" one being straight, religious, and conformist.

Now, no more favoritism since he's gone. I like feeling equal.

 

I am my mom's favorite, but my dad likes my brother more. But my dad doesn't show it much, so I am the true winner. Although, I will say that our relationship did change a little when I came out. But I also got closer to my dad's side of the family.

 

SAME!

My younger brother is sporty, has LOTS if friends, everybody knows him, and he is useful to a lot of things. I am very sure he is the favorite of my parents (sure about dad, not sure about mom) and all of my relatives.

 

interesting to think of EC members having siblings. I wonder what they're like hahaha

 

It can be rough, but there are pros to my situation. Maybe the same could be said for you as well, golgari.

Little bit venting, little bit of context...​

Spoiler

I like to think Karma is humbling my sister, because her marriage isn't anything like she imagined. While her husband isn't a bad fellow, it's easy to see that they lack that passionate spark. Their relationship is very expectation-based, as in, here is a routine, so stick to that. As for her degree, she recently found a job teaching, but her attitude is already alienating some of the faculty -- she was complaining to my mother about this, and it was all their fault, not hers. And the friends, this one I'm not really worried about, because even though she seems to always have somebody around, the friendships are very forced and only to alleviate boredom, and not look like a loser to others.

However, despite this, it's being successful in the eyes of my parents. I make more money than my sister does, if we include every source of income I have, but because I only work one day a week and write a weekly piece for the paper, which can be done in minutes, it doesn't count. It isn't a real job.

I don't bombard our parents with constant complaints and I'm-the-victim cards, but apparently this is also living properly, because that's how things really are. I'm not living life right.

Though I don't have anybody offline I could consider a friend (well, one person but... it's complicated), I also don't have people coming over and trying to take advantage of my hospitality. When my sister invites herself over, and brings her friends, they always leave a mess, like to dig around the refrigerator and cabinets, and are always so damn negative about everything. Basically, my lack of friends is a good thing here, because it isn't bringing any sort of unnecessary burden. However, hanging around folks, period, is what matters, and since I'm a lone wolf, well, that puts me in the wrong.

Of course, I could work 9-5 every single day, but it'd be an unremarkable job. I could get involved with drama, but I'd just be an idiot for not handling it. I could surround myself with an entourage of several individuals, but unless they're well connected or renowned in some manner, they'd be insignificant. My parents hold me to a higher standard, and they know it -- my sister likes to remind me of this when she doesn't get her way. However, it is expected of me to do better because my parents want me to justify my birth, which they use as an excuse for why their own lives aren't what they wanted.

While this does weigh on me, I see opportunity here. My parents may have failed at nurturing my emotions properly, but they instilled in me three things:

Drive. I learned early on, my parents weren't going to do more than feed and house me, and that independence was key. If they had expressed themselves as a parent should, there is a good chance I may have taken life for granted. I was provided a head start over my peers, and even some of the adults in my life, as I wasn't blinded by an idealistic childhood. While my life wasn't the worst (I wasn't physically abused or sexually violated, for examples), it was harsh enough to dispel the illusion of youth, allowing me to see the world as it might be and not how it appeared to be.

Flexibility. Since there is very little love between my parents and I, it's easy for me not to really care about others. Since I have experienced first hand disappointment, and being perceived as a disappointment, nobody else can really get to me. I can walk paths most cannot because I am not bound to parental obligation. That all said, I'm not foolish enough to apply this universally, because how others perceive you is a most useful tool to getting where you wish. This includes my own family, who have their uses.

Appreciation. Ironically. Most see a hug as a very common display that you just do with folks you like. Not for me; hugs were not something I received, nor do I receive even today. And that is just one example. What most become tired of or even dispassionate about, I realize has tremendous power. Knowing somebody, of their own sound mind, wants to actually be near you, to touch you, is something I yearn for and cherish. Since I rarely have such things happen to me, I value them more, and am always reminded to use them effectively but genuinely.

I may not be the favorite between my sister and I, but in a bizarre sort of way, my parents influenced, I think, for me to become the better child. I don't want those under my care to ever feel useless or on the sidelines (if it is earned) -- and that is something you truly learn by being those things first. So, there was a benefit to not being the favorite, I'd say.

 

Well my youngest brother is only 5 years old so he is most certainly on the top of the list. After that the next person is my younger brother, he got absolutely everything including my dream career which my parent wont consent for me back then :icon_sad:. Then the third one is me, this is pretty sad that the eldest son only got the 3rd place :dry:. The last and the least is my sister:roflmao: She seeks too much attention therefore my parents tend to ignore her :lol:

I think the same thing will happen to me.
I'll be out of the favourite list after i came out :lol:

 

I think my sister might be favored by most of my family because she is such a super achiever and doesn't have schizoaffective disorder. My mom is cool though; she loves us both equally, in fact I think I'm closer to her than my sister is. But most of my family think she's really special and I'm not, even though most of them have made zero efforts to get to know me as a person.

 

My Mom's favorite is my brother ._.

 

I don't have any brothers or sisters

 

In my family we all know who the favorites are, but it doesn't really affect us that much.

I have two younger sisters that are 15 and 11 and I'm 17. I'm my dad's favorite while my 15 year old sister is my mom's favorite. Interesting how the little one isn't the favorite since most parents usually like the youngest child the best.

 

I didn't read the study, but I'd believe it purely on empirical data. I have an older brother.

Being the younger of two kids, I think I probably always got the best of a situation. Either we both got things equally, or I got more attention. Even today, my impression is that I am viewed as more reliable, logical, and responsible. Though these characteristics may be true, they were only really recognized within the past 10 years. Before that, I still had the power change/convince people of my bidding. Okay, I'll stop sounding evil now. :smilewave

Being the "baby" of the family, I could in general get away with things that he could not in pretty much any circumstance. Not that it was a clear black vs white "i can do this and you can't", but I think I was always given more leeway.

I'm not sure why this type of treatment occurs in a family, but I can vouch for its presence.

 

Yeah, I'd say it was true. I have three siblings and can put them all in order of mum/dad's preference.

 

Yeah, well I'm my parents favourite child. They actually told me. And that's kind of funny because I'm the only one in the household they'd throw out at the earliest convenience having known I'm gay.

 

I fail to see the sense in this.

She tries to get you to do things for her by reminding you that your parents value her more? Seems like that would/should have exactly the opposite effect. ("Why should I kiss your ass when mom and dad have been doing that for years? If you're so special to mom and dad, then why don't you ask *them* to do this for you?")

To the OP, I have to acknowledge that both my sister and I, at least at certain times, have been certain that the other is our parents' favorite. You could take that as evidence that children know 50% of the time; you could take that as evidence that we have no clue; you could take that as evidence that my parents don't have a favorite (which would be their claim).

 

I said she tries. I normally don't comply, but sometimes, if there's something to gain from it, I will. For example, if she asks me to write a paper for her, I charge her an arm and a leg. I write it just enough to where it sounds like her, but a little beyond her comprehension level so that, if asked, she comes off looking stupid. But until she can find somebody better -- and trust me, that's hard around here -- she's kind of at my whim with certain things.

As for why she likes to remind me of this favoritism she possesses, it's quite simple really. She's trying to make me believe, by helping her, some of mom and dad's praises will come to me through her, thus making them like me more than they show. And it has turned out like this before. Two months ago, roughly, my sister had to write something to get her job as a teacher, so she asked me. Knowing she needed this, I charged her $100 for a 5-page paper. Having nobody else in her circle of friends with my writing prowess, she agreed. Besides, all of them wouldn't have the literary punch to secure the position. When the paper was finished, she showed it to our mother, who said it was a wonderful paper and that she was proud of how passionate she sounded.

It makes me feel tingly inside when my mother doesn't realize, she's complimenting me. And yes, I know, that's a fucked up way for a family to function, but it's the reality. I make due with it, while I bide my time until I can vanish from every single one of them.

 

For my mother I'm the favourite by default because I'm her only child. However, despite her strong unfulfilled desire to have had more children she has pretty much admitted she doesn't believe she would have been able to feel as strongly for any subsequent children if she did have them. That might sound like a strange thing to say in advance, but to get the context you have to understand what the event of becoming a mother signified for her personally.

All her life her strongest wish had been motherhood. She dabbled in a few careers, including being a highly-rated nanny whom was well sought after, but she never had a strong devotion to any profession and was more just waiting till she could have a family of her own. At the age of 21 she suffered an ectopic pregnancy with complications, and doctors said she would either be unable to have children or it would be very difficult. Fast-forward to age 32 and she finally got what she wanted, when I was born. But even then it was touch-and-go for a few weeks as to whether I would survive as I was seriously ill. So considering all this, it's not really surprising that the experience might have proven difficult to replicate beyond the first child. My arrival ending up marking a milestone in her life; the achievement of her biggest goal. In one way that's sort of nice, but it has caused me to at times wonder what percentage of her affection for me was actually based on me as a person vs how much of it is simply because I was 'the prize'. That said, we have also bonded more strongly due to enduring circumstances together. And she does value my accomplishments.



In regards to my father he does like to play favourites with all his children but I don't believe he is really capable of having a permanent favourite. Which one will get his approval for a period of time depends on various things like how entertaining/flattering/useful etc said child is, but this apparent affection can shift or disappear very easily once he is bored, displeased, when their purpose has been served basically or when that role is being filled by another.

At the time when I was last in contact with him a few years ago his favourite was the oldest of my 3 half-brothers (all born some years after me). I know this - because he told me. Quite casually without prompting, with said child sat on his lap and in the presence his other son whom although young was still old enough to understand what was being said. It didn't bother me so much because I was already aware of how he functions, and in some ways the fact he did not regard me in such a way is a blessing; to have a parent-child bond with a man like my father is not a healthy thing, and it also proved I had been successful in (intentionally) distancing myself from him. If I ever entertained any curiosity as to whether such a connection could somehow be positive, the example of his relationship with his stepdaughter lays that to rest.
After my parents separated he met a woman with two children, a boy and a girl, from a previous marriage. The boy and him have never really gotten along, the girl on the other hand, having such a strong desire for a father was all too eager to connect, and became his favourite of the two. But my dad being as he is, played with her emotions a lot and their relationship has proven to have a toxic effect on her life and self-esteem.

It did worry me for my brother's sakes though, because knowing they were going to grow up having their heads messed with and that there was nothing I could do about it was frustrating and sort of heartbreaking.

 

I'm an older child and I can say that my parents favour me more than my younger brother. Like I can get away with alot of things but he gets told off for talking :/

 

I'm an only child but I know my parents wouldn't have a favorite even if I did have a sibling. (I treat my younger cousins like they were my brothers and best friends though. I know a little about having sibling but not much. Do younger boys always fight so much???)

 

My mom swears that she doesn't have a favorite, but I don't think that's true. I think I am her favorite for a variety of reasons. First, there's the age gaps with my siblings (7 with my brother and 4 with my sister). I was only starting elementary school when my brother was almost out of it. Clearly, I needed more attention. Also, I act more like her and am more of an achiever. She always says I should have been the oldest to lead my siblings on the right way, but I think they would be more adjusted in life if she didn't destroy their self-esteem.

I'm not the type to give up and hesitate on decisions such as which degree I should pursue. My mother loves that. I'm not doing it for her, though. I'm doing it for myself.

My dad never said anything about favorites, but I think I'm his favorite too because I'm the only one who bothers to call him/hang out with him. He always asks the others if they want to come, but they mostly say no. Though, even if he does have a favorite, he doesn't show it.

 

The perks of being an only child