Hi ! This is my first time posting on this forum but I've been reading it for a while and have been on trans reddit and discord for years now. I'm AMAB questionning whether I'm MtX/MtF. Basically I've been hardcore questioning for ~5 years to the point that it is driving me litteraly nuts and I'm getting quite depressed. I have tons of questions, the flow of them never end but I may write a master thread of my questioning next time, for now I'm copy pasting this text I wrote somewhere else today: All my life I've been jealous of cute girl my age and since I (re)discovered I may be trans a few years ago my life has been hell and I'm getting more and more depressed. I can't even see a girl without hurting some days, but that's the thing I get insanely jealous to the point of physical hurt when I see *cute girl my age* and I feel horrible because I feel like I simply want to be cute, that I'm ageist, sexist and have unrealistic beauty standards. I don't want to be an old woman, especially since I have huge issues with my mom I don't want to look like her. This makes me think I'm not trans because I don't simply want to be a woman, I want to be a pretty one and I feel horrible about it. I think I'm trans on some level, dudes don't usually hurt that way, fine. But I wouldn't benefit from an actual real life transition I think ? I don't know anymore. I want to go back to being in denial and simply dreaming about magically becoming a pretty girl and forget about all this it's hurting me too much I'm getting reallly, really depressed... I am already seeing a therapist for support, but my gf is not supporting and my friends have lgbt phobic tendencies. I need a solution, I need to stop the hurting, I need to be able to work again I'm throwing my life away with my unhealthy questioning but no ones seems to be able to help. Please don't tell me I have time because I don't, the more I wait the less likely thing will go smoothly and the more hurt my gf will be down the line, I need to find a solution fast or I'm going to implode :/ This became renty, the premise was that I feel vain, horrible and not really trans to want to be cute.
Welcome to EC. I know a lot of cis women who feel the same way. In fact I have never met a woman (cis or trans) (and I have known women IRL who were models) who was happy with the way that she looked, it is how media and society program us. The thing is that no one gets to chose how their body is going to develop, with a whole lot of money and surgeries you can have all sorts of cosmetic surgeries but even those are not perfect nor do they last forever just look at Joan Rivers. The thing is that if you do transition eventually unless you die first you will end up being an old woman, I have reached that point. I am happy with being a woman even if I was never gorgeous and even now when I am plain AND old. This will really only work if transition was never the answer for you. I even had myself put through conversion therapy and lived in the closet for years and the results were disastrous. This is very good. It would have been my suggestion if you were not in therapy. You need to get your mind straight on what you can be and need to be. If you really are female inside and need to live as female then you will be ok with even just being a regular plain jane. Until you can reconcile yourself to living with whatever the results are I would not recommend transition. Transition is a really difficult process and you will get a great deal of opposition and that alone will be hard. If you tie yourself to some ideal of perfection you are virtually guaranteed failure. Then you need to get out of the relationship whether you decide to transition or not. Significant others should be supportive and if they are not supportive they should not be our significant others. You also need to drop those so called friends. No one needs homo or transphobic people in their lives (other than fellow bigots).
Thanks a lot for taking the time to answer me it means a lot. That's true I guess... I know... The thing is that getting old scares me no matter the gender which I guess doens't make me special in this regard but I don't know, I don't understand how I can loathe the idea to look like my mother on one hand and getting depressed looking at my gf on the other it doesn't make sense. That's what I struggle with tbh, I have been looking for a definite answer for years, because I am terrified of going back to being a man to understand in 30 years that I was actually trans, and I am equally scared to transition and realize I was a cis dude :/ I've been on therapy for years honestly, it helps a tiny bit to not entirely explode but I make no progress regarding gender stuff The thing is my gf respects that trans women are women and that she is not a lesbian which would mean we couldn't stay together so she's *supportive* in a sense but I still can't talk openly about it and I need to hide and experiment by myself which makes me feel horribly ashamed of doing something wrong. My friends aren't outwards bigots, but they are mostly middle class cishet white dudes you know so not exactly open to discuss gender like that :/
