Struggling with Gender Identity and Confusion

Hi! I guess I'll just jump into it, then. I'm a teenage girl, but I've struggled with and questioned my gender identity for years. I've always been a tomboy (more "masculine" hobbies/interests, I wear more male clothing, etc). From a young age, I remember not feeling quite right being a girl, had a male best friend, clung to the term "tomboy" to describe myself, and I didn't understand gender norms (for example, I hated it when the boys and girls got separated for book secret santas and I got one about princesses when I'd much rather have one about something else). I did things like trying to pee standing up, and I practically had a crisis when my period started and literally cried in the middle of a Wal-Mart because I didn't want to buy my first bra (wasn't because I was afraid it was going to be uncomfortable; it was something else entirely...) and put off getting one for years, even though I really needed one. After I hit puberty, it felt very strange for me when people would call me "she", and I began to fantasize about people calling me male pronouns and presenting as male in public. I also hated it when I was required to wear dresses or nagged to put in makeup, and it just made me feel bad in a way I couldn't explain (but now recognize as gender dysphoria). A while back, I did research on transgender people, discovered I was somewhere in middle on the masculinity-femininity spectrum (I always preferred looking androgynous and had both male and female hobbies, but more often male) decided I was non-binary, cut my hair short, and asked to be referred to with "they" pronouns. It felt great! I loved presenting as neither male nor female, and it just felt "right". For the first time in a while, I could look in the mirror and see someone I recognize. But after a while of thinking about it, I began to wonder if I wasn't really a boy or a girl, and I started getting really confused and extra dysphoric (I started feeling major body dysphoria when I'd only experienced social dysphoria before and maybe just a little body dysphoria before, for example). I then gave up and started to identify as a cis female again and figured I was just a really gender non-conforming person, but I'm back here because there's something gnawing in the back of my mind telling me that that isn't right. Most of the time, I'm content with identifying as female, but sometimes I have a gender crisis like right now and wish I were a boy (or at least something other than a girl). I have my doubts, though, because I don't feel much body dysphoria (I do not want to get surgery or hormones), and I'm generally okay with the body parts I have (except my breasts sometimes, but only because they keep me from presenting as male). I also feel, deep down, it is my nature to be female (sure, a weird one, but still a "she") and whenever I say I am a "he", I feel as if I'm lying to myself and pretending to be something I wish I was. But I simply cannot get over the rush I feel when I look in the mirror when I crossdress or when someone accidentally mistakes me for a boy in public! I don't know it this is something I just want to do sometimes for fun (like just become a crossdresser), but all I know is that something definitely does not feel right. This is something I've experienced for years, and I don't think one post on this website will fix my problems. But I hope some of you have some advice for me at least.

Thanks in advance,
K

 

I relate to this quite a bit. I get that sort of euphoria, but I feel like a fraud. I generally feel okay for liking a few feminine things (because a lot of guys do), but I feel like, at my core, I should be female and that I'm trying to be something I can never truly become.

 

Okay, I'll have to think about that for a while. I think you and I are in pretty similar situations. I also have a lot of trouble with what it means to be a girl and if I identify with whatever's that is etc, like you talked about, and if I am a guy, I'm more of a bookworm/video game nerd/sensitive guy as well. I'll have try binding/packing/etc and see if it makes me feel any better and if I identify with that more. I just struggle a lot because there's still a big part of me that sees myself as female and is still comfortable with that/even desires it sometimes. I don't know. It's just all very confusing and not fun at all.

 

Yeah. I've wondered if I was genderfluid in the past, because some days I don't mind being my birth gender, but other days I experience gender dysphoria and just want to get out and be something else. But that's just so difficult to think about, you know? How am I supposed to function in life when I am a "he" some days and a "she" others? And wouldn't it just be easier to accept that I'm a girl and then cope with the gender dysphoria the times I have it? I'll try experimenting in real life and see where it gets me. Maybe it'll help me figure something out.