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Struggling to move forward

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by sunnyskies, Sep 10, 2017.

  1. sunnyskies

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    Hi there,

    So I've come out to the most important people in my life (my brother, my parents, my two best friends) but I'm struggling with what to do next. I'm not 100% sure on a label so I've decided to just settle for the understanding that I prefer women and go from there. Only issue is I think I'm scared or anxious or worried (or all of the above!) about taking the next step, whatever that might be. I can feel that I really long to connect with a woman, but the whole thing still makes me incredibly nervous. Part of me is still concerned about being open about being attracted to women.

    I guess what I'm wondering is, where to from here? Is it common to experience this stand still, this uncertainty of what to do next? Did some of you struggle with this, and if so, what did you do?

    Any advice/input would be much appreciated x
     
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  2. lovewine

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    I think it is normal to feel that way... I was like that too. Once I experienced my first relationship with a woman, I was more comfy. :slight_smile: Just enjoy your "freedom" being out. It feels good to be out. Once youre comfortable, things will follow through :slight_smile:
     
  3. sunnyskies

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    Thanks lovewine :slight_smile:

    Was there anything in particular that you did that helped you feel more comfortable being open about it all?
     
  4. BosiMalkia

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    You already knocked out the hard part, so I would say the next step is the easiest, which is being yourself.
     
  5. BosiMalkia

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    I
    I totally agree
     
  6. lovewine

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    It helped when I started telling my friends/acquaintances/strangers. HAHA How I tell people is very casual, nothing dramatic/serious even though I'm very nervous and scared inside. I just say it like it's not a big deal. When you say it that way, people react like it's not a big deal as well. :slight_smile: Maybe they talk about it after, but don't let that stop you from expressing yourself. :slight_smile: You just need to be confident in outing yourself and they won't really make a big deal out of it
     
    #6 lovewine, Sep 11, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2017
  7. Aure

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    You have done the most difficult. Next thing is living. Just relax. Relaxed things work well.
     
  8. silverhalo

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    Hey I definitely had some of these stand still moments.
    For me it was a bit like I questioned my sexuality and accepted myself then there was a pause whilst I figured out what to do about it, then I came out to a couple of people, then another pause, then a few more people then a pause. I think it is only natural. There are no rules as to what you have to do next. Are there any LGBT meet ups or groups near you you could join?
     
    #8 silverhalo, Sep 12, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2017
  9. mnguy

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    I wish I knew the answer for you since I need it as well. I really don't see how to move forward in life and seems like this is where I'll be until the end. If you figure it out, please let us know and good luck :slight_smile:
     
  10. sunnyskies

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    Thanks, BosiMalkia. Sometimes it feels like being myself is the harder part. When I hadn't come out to anyone yet I knew what I needed to do, I had a very clear goal to work towards, which was being honest with those closest to me. It was debilitating working towards that, sure, but I knew what I had to do so in many senses it was easier than where I'm at now. I'm very anxious about meeting women romantically. Its something I really want but it does scare me. And so does being open with the other people around me, particularly extended family. I've spent the last couple of years reconnecting with members of my wider family as I didn't have much contact with them growing up, but I'm afraid of being honest with them about this...

    Thanks, Lovewine. I think this is something that I definitely need to do - to be less guarded about who I'm attracted to, skirting around it less, and being more relaxed when it comes up in conversation. At the moment I tend to just cringe internally at people assuming that I like guys and then feeling dishonest when I don't correct them in any way. I think there's certain people I will work up to being open with, but others I know it won't make any difference to. Half the time it seems to be me that's the uncomfortable one, and not the other person! x

    Right you are, Aure haha I stress myself out needlessly half the time and make things worse for myself by building up anxiety!

    Silverhalo, yes! I've had this too, a step and then a pause, then another step and a pause, and so on. I'm reassured to know that this seems to be a natural progression of things.
    There are a few meet ups groups around which are run through Facebook. There's one particular one that's local that I'm very keen to join, but am paranoid that by joining on Facebook I'll lose control over who I come out to, if that makes sense? I've thought about getting a fake account in order to join but this is just so counter-intuitive to wanting to be more comfortable with who I am. How can I accept myself and be more open about who I am if I use a fake account to do it? Its so terribly contradicting -- I want to be open, but when it comes to taking steps to do so I become anxious and really reluctant.

    mnguy, I know exactly how you feel. It seems like I have been trying to figure all this out forever and that I'm moving forward so painfully slowly. I truly hope you get there, and thank you for the luck :slight_smile: Sending luck your way too xx
     
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  11. silverhalo

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    I think it's totally normal to be anxious about taking the next step. There comes a point where you do lose control to a point of who knows but mostly I think it's never as eventful as we fear it might be. If the Facebook group you think is a bit risky maybe you could see if there are any non Facebook meetups you could join. I think rather than putting pressure on yourself to approach women romantically just try and meet some gay women as friends and let it progress that way, once you feel more comfortable then worry about romance. I agree with making a fake profile being a bad idea. If you are going to do this you have to do it right. I'm no expert on Facebook settings but you can probably have it set so even though you join the group it doesnt really show anywhere.
     
  12. sunnyskies

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    Thanks Silverhalo :slight_smile: That's some really sound advice!

    I actually decided that it's silly to not do the things I need to do, simply because someone might find out, and so yesterday I requested to join that local Facebook group (after much much much internal deliberation haha). Obviously due caution is necessary, but at the end of the day this is who I am and I guess I shouldn't really stop myself from taking healthy steps forward because of others, should I?
    I think the group is moooostly private... so it should all be okay. I'm lucky in the fact that it really wouldn't be the end of the world if people saw I was a member :slight_smile: Might actually be in a bizarre way helpful.
    As Lovewine suggested it will probably help being a bit less secretive about it all.

    Thank you for your time and input, I really appreciate it x
     
  13. Maya100

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    I can't really add to what's been already said but I wanted to say that I also went through the same thing as you, I told my family and then didn't really know what to do. Eventually, I become so relaxed about it I told anyone who asked or mentioned me having a boyfriend, I'd simply say 'Actually I'm gay, so no boyfriend on the horizon!' and laugh it off.
    I've joined a few Facebook LGBT groups too & they are closed groups so no one on your friend's list can see it, you have to be accepted by a member already part of the group & then you're in. (It wasn't intentional to join a closed group, they just were already closed), so perhaps that's the case for the group you joined? I think taking baby steps as you see fit & feel comfortable is the way to go, I don't want you to be so anxious you close off so take it easy & be kind to yourself. There's no rush to do anything!
     
    #13 Maya100, Sep 29, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2017
  14. silverhalo

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    No worries anytime. It's all really scary and sometimes these things certainly for me get a bit stuck going around and around in my head. Sometimes by talking them through with someone it can help you decide the course of action you want to take. Not necessarily because opthey have told you you should but because you have come to that conclusion.