I'm new here, done some reading around and searching, but feel it's important to start off with what's been going on with me. Sorry if it's kinda long and out of control. I'm 20 years old and for all my life till this past year have been pretty certain or atleast convinced myself I was heterosexual. I dated several girls in middle school, obviously prior to real sexual development, but things never went further than kissing and hugging, which was great as far as I was concerned though they usually initiated things. When I got into high school I dated a girl here and there but things never lasted much longer than a month or two with my longest relationship being the last one at just over 3 months and things were usually kind of uncomfortable for me though I still enjoyed the making out, and fooling about. I moved out of my Dad's house (parents are divorced) to be closer to my university campus the beginning of my second year. The first couple weeks went great, I was excited to be on my own, and felt like maybe I could get more comfortable with girls now that I had my own place. I got a girlfriend and we went on a few dates, and hung out quite a bit. I really liked her, but always had this feeling it couldn't last. Being 19 a virgin and a young man I was fascinated by sex and was ready to give it a go, I couldn't for the life of me figure out why it still hadn't happened to me, but chalked it up to never being in the right place at the right time. Well this girl and I, we fooled around a bit, but things never got that serious, lot's of making out, fooling around, and sleeping over, but no actual sex. Everytime I thought it was getting to that point, and really thought I wanted to keep going, something stopped me and I felt extremely anxious and uncomfortable. She asked me if I was still a virgin and I reluctantly admitted yes I was and was embarrassed. I still figured that was the reason I was having so much trouble with all this, she kinda played hard to get and after a couple weeks still nothing. My new roomates weren't helping the situation, they were really messy, completely open about them selves, both straight, and I feel like were convinced I was gay and kept hinting at it. I was starting to have trouble at school and work, becoming very anxious and depressed. I was obsessing over my sexuality, the fact that I couldn't be gay because of this and that, that gay people acted this way or that and that I never did any of those things. I began to constantly search the internet wondering why I felt the way I did, still never really wanting to believe that I might be a homosexual. I got pretty bad, real down low sleeping all day and barely eating, and my parents became concerned. I was home a lot avoiding the place I had moved into, and friends in general and eventually moved back in with my dad. I found a website on HOCD (homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder) and was pretty convinced that was my problem. Tying the never ending questioning and feeling that homosexuality was wrong to the HOCD. I decided it was either ocd or I was just gay. That put me even deeper, because all my life I didn't feel like that was right and especially not possible for me. I started to see a therapist and psychiatrist at the request of my mother. They put me on antidepressants and after some therapy and working at my thoughts and attitude I began improving. I was up from the depression and feeling so good that I felt like bam I was cured, all the thoughts that I could be gay were crazy to me, I was noticing girls again and sort of became infatuated. I started going out, hanging with friends again and talking to girls. One night I was pretty drunk, feeling on top of the world and ended up hooking up with a girl I met at the party. I finally lost my virginity, and this boosted me even higher. I mean I thought that's it right you have sex with a girl and enjoy it and you can't be gay. Well that kept me feeling good for a while, then the contemplating and questioning kept surfacing. I finished school for the semester but was feeling kind of down again. I talked to my therapist about hocd and while he admitted he had never heard of it he said it sounded pretty reasonable. I felt a little better and got on with summer for a couple weeks. Well the questioning returned stronger than ever, I decided to go back on the HOCD board and keep looking at stories and other members issues. The one thing I noticed was that they all had a problem with checking their sexuality and that they usually checked gay porn and gay images obsessively to assure themselves they were still hetero. One thing I was too afraid to do and had read would only make things worse. Well I got up the courage and checked, to my shock I was completely aroused, more so than by the straight or female only stuff. This really blew my mind and threw me back into the depressive state. "How could this be?" "But I've never had the urge or anything" I kept asking myself. It was also a total mind f**k because even now I still notice girls, I still think they're hot, I think I still want to be with them (or sorta think that way), but then how come I'm so uncomfortable around them, and honestly am not that aroused by them like I thought I was or always felt I was/should be? I feel now more that I've been in denial about it for so long, that it isn't hocd but more likely internalized homophobia. This scares me too because I know i've said horrible things and thought horrible things about homosexuals and now am realizing I am actually one. I still don't really agree with the flamboyancy of many homosexuals and don't think I could be like that. I've been doing a lot of research on homosexuality and watching lot's of videos and movies on the subject and that's helped me feel better. I kinda came out to my dad about everything because I've still been really depressed and insecure lately, not going out much or really at all and I think he got worried again. He assured me that he was ok with it and loved me no matter what my sexuality is, and that my mom and most of my family would also be very supportive no matter what. That has made me feel better but now i need to tell my mom, I guess some of my friends though I'm not sure who, and I don't really know any other glbt people that I can talk to about all this so it's making it really difficult. Sorry for the extremely long and choppy post, just really needed to vent somewhere and could use some support :help:
Well I read the entire thing.... and to me (to me, remember that), it sounds more like your bisexual. I could be wrong, but that is what it sounded like. If you get aroused by gay porn, odds are your either Gay or Bi.
it sounds like your bi sexual as you seem to be attracted to men but still see attractions to women aswell you just suffer a crisis of confidence when sex approaches. you can watch gay porn and be straight ! so dont let porn matter with sexuality. as far as what others said or thought of you fuck them its your life and i think your better off not with them. i never heard of hocd... i am pretty ocd about things alot of the time but i think worrying about your sexuality isnt really linked to ocd its not an obssesive thing its a worry thing its more stress. im sorry about the depression many of us know it im just happy youve got a supportive farther and hopefully in time you will have friends to support you. lastly remember you as a person is what matters not sexuality it doesent define you , there is no stereotype you must fit you are your own person .. love who you love irrelevent of gender. be happy and enjoy the forum
Hi there, and welcome to EC! As near as I can tell from a quick literature search, neither the DSM (the bible of the psychology/psychiatry field) nor the legitimate psychology/psychiatric field recognizes anything called "homosexual obsessive compulsive disorder." From the references I was able to find on the net and the very few in the psychology literature, it sounds like a bogus label that the "reparative therapy" crowd is trying to push (i.e., we can take gay people and make them straight, which goes against APA guidelines, and no ethical mental health health professional supports.) From the one reasonable clinical article I found, the author is describing it as a very tiny subset of OCD which, in itself, is pretty unusual. So, first off, I think the likelihood that you have this, if it even exists, is near zero. Everything you're describing sounds pretty common to someone who is in the early stages of coming out. A lot of closeted gay people make very homophobic remarks; it's a part of the self-denial process many of us go through before we're ready to accept ourselves, and many of us slept with (and felt somewhat attracted to) people of the opposite sex as well, in part trying to convince ourselves that we were straight. I think it's probably too early in your own process to tell whether you're bi or gay, but it's likely that you aren't completely straight. The only definitive study on sexual identity was done in the 1940s, and, while very imperfect, it identified that only about 10% of the population is totally heterosexual or totally homosexual; the balance are somewhere on the continuum. Obsessing in a way about whether your straight or gay is also common to just about every person going through the coming out process; if you think about it, your sexual identity is a fairly important part of who you are, so if you're unsure about it, of course you're going to obsess about it until you can resolve it. This is in no way similar to OCD, which has a very different set of symptoms; it's a normal part of the process of figuring out who you are. Likewise, depression is common among people in the process of dealing with same-sex feelings that are beginning to surface, so I wouldn't worry too much about that; it will likely pass once you come to fully understand yourself. It's great that you're in therapy, and I think you should just take some time to explore your feelings. I don't think there's anything wrong with watching some porn (both hetero and straight) and seeing how it makes you feel, and fantasizing when you're masturbating without porn, and seeing, naturally, what you find yourself thinking about and fantasizing about (men, women, both.) You may find, in time, that if your therapist is not experienced in working with people with sexual identity and coming out issues, that you may want to find a different therapist with more experience in that area; it can be really helpful to work with someone knowledgeable about the issues that gay and bisexual men face in coming out. Also, to a certain extent, there is always a sense of loss that goes along with accepting oneself as gay or bisexual; the loss of "normalness" given that some 90% of society is thought to be straight, and the associated loss of certain common heterosexual life experiences (though gay and lesbian society is catching up with a lot of those experiences!). So you will experience the same stages of loss/grief that happen with any other loss; typically denial - anger - bargaining - grief - acceptance, not necessarily in that order, and not necessarily progressing in an orderly way from one stage to the next. You sound like someone who's already given some thought to this. I wouldn't be in a rush to make a decision or to do anything other than just relax a little and be yourself, whomoever "yourself" happens to be on that day In time, it will become more clear. Hope that helps
Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets So I read the whole thing (well written and pleasant to read by the way ) and here are a few thoughts: I would say the way you can really tell if you're straight, bi, or gay is too look deep inside yourself, the most honest way you can, and ask yourself who you are attracted to *sexually*? When you jack off, what turns you on most, the thought of a guy or of a girl? If you had the choice and society wouldn't judge you, would you rather do stuff with a guy or a girl? You mention the porn thing : that can be a good indicator. I wouldn't rely exclusively on it, but you should take it into account. You mention... That's a question you should clarify with yourself. Being gay doesn't mean not finding girls hot or appreciating their hotness. I can still look at a girl and think, "Wow, she's really beautiful!" and I'm not like EWW BOOBS. But I don't want to have sex with them. Again, it comes down to who *really* arouses you sexually (maybe both, who knows). Of course, it's a process. Don't feel too rushed to discover exactly you fall in the spectrum of sexuality. It's OK to be still figuring it out. It seems you had some misconceptions about gay people, which isn't surprising in the hetero world we live in. If you are gay, they probably contributed to you not realizing it earlier. I didn't realize it myself until I was 16 1/2 (had pretty serious crushes on girls), because I had these preconceptions about what gay people were like and I thought to myself, I'm just not like that. (Then I discovered EC and I was like, Oh, it's possible to be normal, gay and 16? Wow. ) You don't have to be flamboyant or very feminine to be gay. We come in all shapes and sizes. You don't need to love shopping, Madonna, or interior decorating That's the beauty of diversity. It's good your family seems very accepting and supportive, you'll have them at your side As for talking to other LGBT people, you've got the whole lot of us and maybe you can find some in your extended friend circle (friends of friends) ? Or you could check if there's a gay youth meeting in your area (don't know much about them, maybe someone has more precise info depending on where you live — you could Google it). Good luck and please keep us posted
Thanks everyone for your replies! Just being able to vent on here has helped me feel better the past few days. I had a heart to heart with my mom tonight and came out to her about the way I've been feeling. Still not saying that I'm 100% either way because to be honest I'm still not sure myself, though I'm feeling pretty much 60/40 right now lol! She told me she never really suspected it but has nothing wrong with it, she's a very open minded and liberal person. We talked for a couple of hours about the subject and other things and I feel just in general so much better. We kinda talked about her reasons for splitting up with my dad, and based on a lot of things I've noticed about him and some of the things she mentioned it sounds like he may possibly be gay/bi, although he's probably past the point where he could admit it to himself or others, and I'm not going to push the subject with him for all I know it's just a hunch. I think it helped us get closer and has made me feel more comfortable about the whole thing. I am still deciding if and which of my friends to come out to if I do at all. Trying to figure who will be more open minded and who won't, but overall just feeling better right now and don't want to push the envelope. Thanks again for all the support so far, glad I came on here, and can already feel like things are going in a good direction.
Hi there and welcome to EC. I'm sure you'll continue to feel better by hanging out here and getting to know yourself and some of us non-flambouyant gay people. That's what I found so comforting about this site. Suddenly I was able to have a meaningful and sincere exchange on all kinds of topics with other gay people. People who could relate to how I was feeling. I also lived in denial for many years. Longer than you. I also only 'sort of' dated and lost my virginity at 25 to the woman I would marry just 18 months later. We had two daughters and only when I was in my mid 30s did I come to terms with the fact that I was gay. And yes, despite having been married and having sex with my wife over almost 10 years, I consider myself to be gay - not bi. Because I'm not interested in having another relationship with a woman, not because I find the sex objectionable. So take your time. There's no rush to come out to people. But at the same time, I can also relate to the sense of relief that comes with telling those people that are most important to you - like your mom and dad. So congratulations on the progress you've made recently. And again, welcome to EC.
Hello, welcome to EC. Alot of what you are going through such as the depression, and anxious feeling is very common! It sounds like you are in a real hurry to find a label? Relax, maybe just try dating for awhile. Date both sexes if you are unsure..You can have dinner with more than one person! Take it slow and eventually you will know! that right person whether they be male or female will look into your eyes and you will be awe struck, you will begin to quiver on the inside....Then You Will know that person is the one! I went through alot of similar things such as confusion, depression, college issues, sleeping all day, homophobia (which I am very embarrassed by now) etc. I was attracted to both sexes but after dating both I realized that I am much happier with women and that is a much MORE full filling relationship and sexual experience. I have been out as a lesbian for 7 years but I did not come out until I was sure I was In Love! You don't need to rush coming out..keep talking to that counselor....and everything will work out and be ok! Keep talking to folks on here ..they are the best!! Good luck and feel free to Message me with whatever...-Jen
hey i was just looking at hocd stuff and i came across this article ive had ocd for many years and one of the forms of ocd i had was the hocd(lasted a year) you described its fairly common in the ocd population and does exist you can find it any ocd books when they talk about hocd they mean a person who was straight all there life and all of a sudden has the fear they have "turned gayed" and ironically there are gay people with ocd who fear they have turned straight but this is much rare but does happen all day these gay images came up in my head and i thought this was a sign i had suddenly turned gay they never made any sense, i didnt enjoy them, and they were distressing all day this fear came up more multiple hours everyday normal people have these same fears but they easily fade away, they can last anywhere from two minutes to probably a month at most but a person with ocd these fears can last for years i needed to do therapy and took meds eventually this fear faded away and just got replace with a new one most of time people with ocd fears can change over time an ocder can be a handwasher for two years and later become a door checker for two years, but i dont think most people know that my fears changed from 5 hrs a day thinking ive turned gay to hrs a day with this new religious obsession( i thought i was going to burn in hell for enternity) yeah so if you have anymore question just ask me
