As I enjoy saying to piss off my gay friends, "Back when I was straight..." (because, of course, I was never straight, but I thought I was)... Anyway, back when I was straight, I had a girlfriend that I (thought) I really adored. We went out for quite a while (a year, maybe?), and I really cared about her. And she broke up with me. I was completely devastated. I definitely cared about her. But after I figured out I was gay, I realized that what I felt for her was deep caring, and I loved spending time with her... but it wasn't really love. Now... I'm not you, and I'm not in your head, but if I were to guess, my suspicion is, that's part of it. Because you still have so much shame, and have been fed so much judgment about it. You can't possibly own that without hearing the voices of your disapproving family and the other messages. That's going to get in the way until you work through that. What you are talking about isn't sexual orientation; it's conditioned fear. They are completely different. Except in unusual cases (such as people with autism or antisocial personality disorder), difficulty connecting emotionally isn't actually hardwired. It's conditioned by early childhood bonding. And I can guess that if your parents are super judgmental, they are probably also withholding of affection and/or their love is conditional... and kids pick that sort of thing up instantly, even as infants. So they adapt. If this is the case, then the child adapts, in order to survive, to simply shut off expectations of love and attention, because they have learned that it isn't forthcoming, or isn't reliable. This sort of thing is, unfortunately, extremely common... and would be textbook classic with the rest of the experiences you are describing. And this would be the sort of stuff to work through in therapy.
This was my experience as well. In retrospect I was never straight not really bi either. I just buried my same sex attraction so deep I even fooled myself for awhile. When that desire resurfaced it was so intense I could no longer ignore it.
What made you realize that it wasn't really love or attraction? I know you said you had already figured out you were gay, but what signs did you notice? If you are comfortable answering of course. I don't want to pry. I always believed it would be a linear process. I (thought) I was excited at one point when recognizing my feelings, but then I backtracked and went back to the beginning of my questioning phase again (started 3 years ago) and haven't made any progress since then, other than identifying as bisexual again. That I'm only physically attracted to girls, and that won't change. How can a person go from that to feeling doubtful/uncertain again? It doesn't feel normal. The fear of never truly knowing is real. It could take a decade for me to unlearn all this stuff, and I feel like that doesn't give me enough time to actual pursue what I want... I'll be like 40 at that point lol.
Trans/bi guy here, I was in denial and treated badly by most of my classmates growing up (I had a total of three friends growing up). I was bullied damn near every day for eight and a half years, barring summers. It's safe to say everyone makes me nervous to some degree. Some things were so traumatic that my memory of it is hazy at best. Unlearning old habits and patterns your brain developed to protect itself will take a lot of effort, but it will make your life easier. Don't let those memories haunt you, face them so they won't have power over you anymore. Those girls and the past are long gone, they can only hurt you now if you let them hold you back.
