Hello fellow ECers Have posted on EC on and off over last year or two and took part in some replies to various threads esp on Later in Life section. Quick recap (explained in more detail in earlier posts). I have lived as a mainly closeted bisexual guy most of my life. Two hetero relations - both lasted 2 years (one ended 20 years ago and one ended 10 years ago) - otherwise I have been single and celibate. I decided to come out as properly gay to everyone 2 years ago and now all my friends, family and immediate work colleagues know and I am not hiding it any more. My life pre-coming out was pretty good (externally) - good job, great friends, good upbringing etc.. Convinced myself that being single (and celibate) was cool BUT probably deeply sad and living in shame inside. My life post-coming out has been mind blowing - huge steps philosophically, spiritually as well as emotionally. Like many on EC feel liberated at last to be my true self etc.. Have made gay friends, joined a gay walking group, seen a gay therapist and had group counselling with other gay men (wow!!)... and I live in a rural place too. BUT still really struggling with the idea of having a relationship. I could use excuse of living in rural area, but I know its not that. As i said i am making gay friends. I have tried several dating sites on internet - but nothing really happens for me. I don't find men on the dating sites or gay men I am socialising with (all around my age) attractive. I am not even sad about this state of affairs. Not looking for sympathy. It seems that as a 50 year old average looking guy who has only been 'out' for 2 years that there seems to be no-one out there for me. Guys my age just don't seem to do it for me. I would even question whether I am gay sometimes EXCEPT younger, fitter (gay) men clearly arouse me. I want a mature relationship with a like minded man of my age (more or less) but the only thing that seems to turn me on are young men!! HELP... STUCK...
I'm afraid I do not have much advice. Sometimes our attractions conflict with what we really want (nothing new there). I would urge you to be hopeful. I have a few older gay friends (ages 38, 42, etc.) who are almost exclusively attracted to young college men. I've seen a few in a relationship but they almost always get some action.
You might be able to find a super fit guy in his 30s or 40s who looks young for his age but has the life experience for a good relationship with you... My girlfriend is 51 and amazingly fit and pretty. I'm 38.
I am 41 and get chatted to guys in their 20s which does interest me at all, my interest is usually in guys that are a few years older. Don't get stuck on the age thing too much and there are younger guys who are interested in older men, so keep working on it, that bright boarder app seems to have plenty of young men on it.
I am in the same boat, I am 47 and am so attracted to younger guys. I wish I could go back and do it all over again knowing what I know now. The guy I came out to is half my age and I have/had such a crush on him. I always ask myself why me? Times were tougher back then, we weren't accepted the way they are today. If you glorify the past the future dries up. My only advice is to keep trying, there is bound to be someone out there for you! Don't give up the fight, try and keep in shape and look as good as you can. Good luck!
I can relate. I find that younger men and their hot young bodies are nicer to look at and more attractive physically. On the other hand, I'm an intelligent guy, so I also value intellectual and emotional attraction. What's a boy to do? I recently hooked up with a 24 year old. He is a really sweet kid and really cute. Guess what, in the sack there's little difference between him and the older fellows I typically hang with. While it was fun, it wasn't as deeply satisfying as love making with someone with whom I share emotional attraction, which helps to overcome the middle age body. We hook up with bodies, but love people for who they are. HTH
My perspective is that you are holding your self back. Putting your personal attractions aside, whatever you find attracted to, you need to be proactive and take the initiative. It is all in your control.
Nature makes men and women of breeding age attractive to each other for obvious reasons. The circumstances of your childhood means you missed the opportunity to mate up with another man during that time period when you were also young and attractive; all of us were young, but only a few of us were highly attractive, so lets not rewrite history and pretend we all came out looking like an underwear ad guy. Lots of us were just "average", as you are well aware, and unlikely to have landed an Andrew Christian model under the best of circumstances. Some generations are born into times of war, or famine, or depressions. It is just the luck of the draw that we were born into a time frame of exaggerated homophobia and a new virus called HIV that slowed everybody down, and enhanced public resentment and fear of all homosexuals. That doesn't mean that there is not someone out there for you who went through the same times, but neither of you are going to be hot and sexy 20 year olds again. (note sig line below) The good news is that you don't need to do all the dumb things that 20 year olds do; the bad news is that we aren't going to get to enjoy those cheap thrills of youth at our age. But, you can enjoy someone who has things in common with you, stability, wisdom, experience, and a common background. You just have to grow an appreciation for those kind of things, instead of flawless bronzed skin, washboard abs, thick rounded pecs, and a bubble butt with an Abercrombie & Fitch chiseled face atop. I think you have figured that out already, as I have. You also have to be very proactive about the chase, because lots of guys your age aren't going to be. That part is completely under your control, so hop to it; maybe you can find one of those guys who "looks great for his age"; I see them all the time on the sports oriented social sites. Try looking there instead of the more generic dating sites; maybe you will get lucky; you won't if you don't try.
It is very easy to call being single a situation one is "stuck" in, but that comes from the idea that being partnered is better than being single. Why not alter, or even set aside your value-judgment as to which is better? Both life situations have their pros and their cons. I am single and I am enjoying, more than I can describe, the ability to just do as I want (after 20 years of marriage, that is saying something). I am open to a relationship, but it will have to be on mutually satisfactory terms. Any partner I may have will have to understand that I have a strong need for my own space, but also that I am worthy of being trusted. This is the benefit of being over 50: a better-than-average chance that you are more aware of who you are and what you are willing, or not, to put up with. There is also a danger in elevating partnership over singlehood. In his book, A Lover's Discourse Roland Barthes wrote about those lovers who are in love with love. paradoxically, what this does is "nullify" the object of his love, in other words, the object of his love is not what is important, but what is happening in the lover's imagination is where the action is. What these types love is the drama of being in love, or the drama of falling out of love. It is almost as if the other doesn't exist... We are mature individuals, we've been pushed around a little by life, we've endured the inevitable disappointments, but we have also built something worth sharing (especially after coming out, as you describe above) with someone who is worth loving. Share that side of you, the wealth of your experience is your beauty now, let that shine!
I have the same concerns and I just came out in March to my wife. I'm in no position to have a relationship with anyone right now but I am a relationship person. I thrive on having relationships. I turn 49 in 2 weeks and this scares the living poop out of me. I worry about being alone the rest of my life often but now that I've come out there is no turning back. My gay friends tell me that I will meet someone .. how they know this I have no idea... I hope they are right. I admit - the thought of all the changes and challenges I am about to face on my journey excite me and scare me to death.
