I got into a fight on this forum last week. The thread has been deleted now. But the aggression with which I defended my marriage got me worried. And to top it off I had a weird experience with a female friend of mine last night that made me wonder if maybe I am still lying to myself. I say I am bisexual. And I am. I think. I hope. I don't know. I've only had sex with my husband twice, and we've been married for a couple of years now. We do other things. And he's fine with it. I don't think I have any desire to be with a woman again. But lately that's what I think about when I think about sex. So what does that mean? Am I going to turn into one of those batty old closet cases who vehemently defends her marriage in the face of obvious problems because she can't stand being gay? Because I chose this path to run from something in myself that left me too vulnerable or something? Because this is the most stable situation I could be in? I tell everyone I'm a special case, that my sexuality is soooo complicated. But it wasn't complicated when I was a teenager. I liked girls. I liked them a lot. I just didn't want to have sex with them because I was afraid they would judge me. I was afraid of doing it wrong. I never let a girl get close to me at all, not even as a friend. Now I'm here. I am drinking too much. I love my husband, but it's like there's something I am not getting...like a deficiency or something. I feel weak. Input from anyone?
Sexuality is complicated. Relationships are complicated. Like you, I liked the same sex (guys in my case) for years and really acted on it only once, drunk, because like you, I was afraid that if I put my heart and my biggest secret on the table, someone would throw it to the floor and step on it. Well guess what, it happened, I panicked, and I ended up stuck in a closet for 30 years afterwards, and am only now pulling myself out of it, and trying not to hit too many people in the face as I throw the door open and let all that marvelous fresh air in. The fact that you're here, and you're thinking, already means you're not a batty closet case. We do what we think is right at the time, and sometimes we realize later that perhaps it wasn't--but really, the past is gone. You really don't have any way to know if the alternative would have been better or worse. If you've been married to your husband for a few years and have only had sex twice, and he is apparently OK with that, then obviously he is still getting something out of your relationship. So are you, from the sound of it, although perhaps for both of you, it's not entirely what you want or need. If the two of you are able to talk about this, you may find out what it is that makes you special to each other, and whether it's enough. But you need to talk, to him, to someone, and sort this out. I wouldn't assume you will lose him if you tell him what you're feeling. You may actually gain something in the process. But you won't know until you talk about it.
Thank you so much. So, so much. We have talked about it, but it's mostly about me being bisexual. And how it's ok with him if I am with a girl (in a one-night-stand kind of way, someone we both know) occasionally. But somehow when I have the opportunity I'm scared to take it because I feel like something will change in me. When it comes up, I just shut down. Especially because I'm not a teenager any more. And somehow when my "biological clock" ticks, it ticks for a female partner. I mean, when I think about sharing a house and a dog and a "normal" life with someone, that person in my mind is a woman. But my husband and I do have some kind of life together, odd as it is--we have an unconventional relationship, sure, but it's been great for both of us. We do mean a lot to each other and we have a very close, very nurturing, seemingly limitless friendship. We tell each other everything. We laugh. We talk all night. We're not afraid of each others' secrets and vulnerabilities. I guess there must be a reason. I know that no matter what happened, he'd be my best friend forever. I mean really. And I guess friendship has always been more comfortable for me. The sex we do have is awesome, if unconventional. I like to give, he likes to receive, we're both pretty peculiar in compatible ways (won't go into that now), and it's pretty much the healthiest form of a sexual relationship I've ever had. Drama-free. No pressure. Just fun. I don't worry that I'm bad at it. I'm sorry for posting all this. I just...needed to get it out I guess.
And it just might change something in you, might make you consider things that you're not allowing yourself to consider right now. That might not be the worst thing, though. If you and your husband are already sharing so much, and are such very close friends, you might want to leave yourself open to new possibilities. That kind of friendship is very likely to last, particularly if he already knows so much of this already. Speaking from experience, when you shut yourself down, it's not only yourself that is affected in the end. But you are the one it starts with. I wish you all the best. This can't be easy.
Facing the unknown is always going to be scary, but sometimes we need to press on, otherwise we are stuck in a rut that isn't comfortable - and gets more uncomfortable with time. Based on what you've said here, it is possible that your husband is in EXACTLY the same place you are. Has he ever shared that he sometimes fantasizes about men? The way you describe your sex life, I can't help but wonder if he is gay too... and that the sex you have hasn't really been awesome if it's only been twice in the time you've been married - but maybe it's been awesome given that you're both with the 'wrong' gender. Just my first impression based on what I've read here...
I've asked him this several times, mostly because he doesn't respond sexually in ways I would anticipate. We both chalked this up to being very kinky people...but I don't know. He's fine receiving, he's fine when he's behind me...but if he's touching me he loses it. He was married once before, for a long time. And I figured if he was going to come out, he could have done it then instead of marrying another woman! Plus, he has close gay male friends who would understand, so there'd be no reason to hide it from those nearest to him. I guess. He's kind of strangely viscerally homophobic about men...not at all politically--he's all about gay rights--just kind of...I can't explain it. Anyway, I don't think he's bi or gay. He's only ever been with women, and he's only ever seen straight porn, and we've watched movies with gay sex scenes and I haven't noticed any discomfort or arousal on his part. So. I think he's pretty much straight, but queer in other ways. And maybe I'm just "queer in other ways" too. I don't know. ---------- Post added 7th Mar 2014 at 01:05 PM ---------- I guess it's important to note that when I say we've only had sex twice, I mean actual intercourse. I'm on my knees. A lot. :icon_redf
