Hey Guys: I think I am beginning to accept my family is not what I want it to be. But my nature I think its difficult for me to accept. I have written about my grandfather before and Its help to do it again. Its carthatic. My grandfather is the type of man who is angry and sad, unhappy and disappointed at the world. He doesn't just like me, but a lot of people. As I posted before a few weeks ago I saw him at the mall and I told him to go F OFF. It was actually very liberating, because he has treated me like shit for years. I remember I use to go to his house when I was little and urinate in my pants. The thing that suprised me is he followed me around the mall after I did this. Sometimes I can even believe these people are for real. Then yesterday I was at the mall again and I saw him again(Aren't I lucky??) I didn't say anything to him and he walked passed me and kind of got in my face. This really angered me, but I just walked passed him when he did this. I have to be honest, but him doing that really bothered me ego. I never thought I had much of an ego, but it was in place yesterday when he did this. I then walked around the mall some more and I kept passing him. he kept glaring at me. I didn't say anything, but I made sure to keep my hand and chin up. I agree with my doctors that some of my issues about worrying about my voice is OCD and some is just accepting my sexuality. But after the incident happened with my grandfather. I kept thinking to myself he was calling me fag, making fun of my voice or stuff based around that. When in truth, he probably just doesn't like me as a person. I guess I have trouble accpeting that because this morning I called him and told him he is angry and sad. My therapists told me I need to find a surogate family. I agree. I go with front runners and still postive that I will meet some really great guys through there. I still think this will be my summer. I deserve it Family is really tough because I am a really nice guy and I just come from a family, which must are not very nice. And it really has nothing to do with me being gay, they are just assholes. Justin
I have probably told you this before but if not... We cannot chose our family, its what we have and we have to make the most of it. If your grandpa is just one of those people who is always disatisfied, miserable and grumpy the best thing is to cut him out of your life and not let him drag you down. You have made so much progress lately you mustn't let a sad sack like him undo it all. Sorry if I am being rude about your grandpa but he doesn't deserve a grandson like you if he can't see all your qualities. I live on the otherside of the world to you and I can see them shining though clear as day! If you phone him or go to see him you are just falling into his trap. He is behaving like a spoilt child being mean to get your attention, even negative attention is better than none for grumpy old people. Don't play his game, rise above, even if it is hard I know you can do it, you have done so much recently!
(*hug*) I certainly hope you can move beyond this. Try laughing at him next time he gets in your face! It certainly does sound like there's some 'disfunction' there.... I'm sorry that your family has turned out to be something less than you would have hoped it would be. Our satisfaction in life is inversely proportional to how high our expectations are. You really do need to work on yourself. Once you feel good about yourself, what other people think about you really won't matter.
