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Still can't fully accept

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by am724, Apr 21, 2020.

  1. am724

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    I am 51 and married and for many years now have been questioning my sexuality. My history is similar to many older people on here. As a teenager I had both straight and gay fantasies but remember clearly around the ages of 15, 16 and 17 thinking a lot about gay sex, finding it a real turn on and wondering what it would be like. I had crushes in a couple of guys at school but was also interested in girls and had the odd girlfriend and my first straight sexual experiences. At this time i don't really remember questioning what was this was about.

    Into my 20s I remember repressing the gay thoughts and focusing on straight sex. I would occasionally let myself fantasise about gay sex, particularly if I'd had too much to drink but afterwards I'd feel a lot if shame and wouldn't let myself think about it again for a while but it was always there in the back of my mind. In my mind I explained this as being straight but with gay fantasies.

    I met my wife when I was 26 and having a straight relationship and sex seemed to quieten the gay thoughts for a while. But as I got into my 30s the thoughts and fantasies were still there and I started to explore gay porn and online and phone chats. Gay porn for me was a real turn on compared to straight porn, it was just so much more sexually exciting. Although I had watched some straight porn I had started to lose interest in it anyway.

    As a progressed through my 30s and 40s I started to allow myself more and more to think about gay sex and realised that it was much more than fantasies but it was a real desire and I started to acknowledge I was probably bi. I also noticed I became less interested in straight sex and very rarely would think about it.

    In the last couple of years I have started to acknowledge I am probably gay. I just don't seem to have any real interest in straight sex at all now. All my sexual thoughts desires are for gay sex. I have also acknowledged that I do find men very sexually attractive. I'd always though that I also fancied women but I have realised that the attraction has no sexual side. I always felt there was something missing when I looked at attractive women but couldn't understand what it was. Now I know.
    However, somewhere deep inside there is something stopping me from accepting this. I have said to myself that I'll only really know once I have had sex with a guy. Is this right. Given all the evidence am I just trying to put up one last wall before I have to accept it. Obviosuly being married means I can;t just go out and try it!
     
  2. 1cgd

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    My experience has been that if you think you’re gay, you’re probably right.

    I went for decades fantasizing about gay sex and men’s bodies and then finally, kissing, dating, falling in love and being in a relationship with a man. It wasn’t til I started having the love/relationship fantasies that I accepted I’m gay. Coming out and finally living all these fantasies only reinforced them and my attraction to women, other than appreciating their clothing, hair & makeup, was completely gone.
     
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  3. maybgayguy

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    I am 46 and this is my EXACT story. I can take a lot of time before one admits that they are gay. This is especially true when in a straight relationship.
     
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  4. Snowqueen

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    Finding acceptance is the key to beginning your journey to being free and being yourself. I'm in a similar position, it will get easier, day by day. I'll help anyway I can. X
     
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  5. Caraldo

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    I am 48 with many similarities, though the homosexual reality was never far from my conscience. It’s tough, but it’s definitely only fair for the both of you to discuss this. My ex wife is in a much better place, even though she never wanted to get divorced.
     
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  6. Biappeal

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    My path, though quite circular, is similar. As a teen I had many guy friends, a couple that I was attracted to and became involved with to dome extent. However, I would not let myself accept that I may be gay. I few years of focusing on other things lead to marrying a great woman.

    After some time I accepted to myself and her that I was bi. When I was in my forties I started to feel strong romantically driven desires for men. At that point I accepted that I was and always had been gay. A few years ago I embraced my homosexuality and came out to my wife.

    I take a lot of comfort in knowing other older men have experienced some of this same journey!
     
  7. Joolz66

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    This is my experience too. It was the point where my fantasies turned from naked bodies and gay sex to kissing, holding hands, touching and intimacy that i knew something had changed and a deeper craving developed alomg with the unescapable reality of my desires and feelings. I still use gay porn but it is so hard to find porn with genuine passionate love making
     
  8. am724

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    Thanks for all your comments. It's really good to know similar experiences.
    I do think more and more about the romantic and intimacy side and know that this is what I really want. I do find it harder to accept though than purely focusing on sex. I think in my mind once I have accepted the romantic side there be no more excuses. I do actually feel a lot more uncomfortable watching kissing for example not because I don't like it but because I know deep down that I really want to experience a gay relationship and know its not just sex.
    I think I'm very nearly there to full acceptance.
     
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  9. Fuzzy

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    This is a bit like me, but flipped (I am a lesbian).
     
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  10. Joolz66

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    @am724 story is so similar to many of us on here, men and women, in fact almost identical. It amazing how similar the stories are.
     
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  11. am724

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    @Joolz66 it's so reassuring to know people have the same experiences. Makes me feel more sure about where I am now in terms of accepting being gay.
     
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  12. Joolz66

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    Denial is a strange and strong beast..its not a smooth awakening, but once I got the first feeling of self acceptance its been snowballing..
     
  13. Danabutton

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    My story is very similar as well. While I have been involved in 4 long term heterosexual relationships ( not concurrently) for almost 30 years, something was off...I think I knew it but never wanted to acknowledge it.
    I think I’m at minimum bi and at the other end gay. Probably somewhere in between as I’m physically attracted to women, but my relationships have all ended in disaster.
    My only experience was during the summer between 4 and 5th grade during a sleep over at my best friend’s at the time house...I remembering not knowing what had happened and tried to repress it for years (successfully when I was in a relationship).
    However, it was when I was not in a heterosexual relationship that I would either have flashbacks or fantasies that slowly grew in intensity.
    After my first relationship of 3 years fell apart I had a piercing done which was probably my symbolic sticking my toe in the water so to speak. It was the first time I actual felt like a sexual being, but I removed the piercing prior to going to the beach with friends out of possible fear of discovery.
    Last fall I finally accepted this part of myself but have not taken it any further. The fantasies continue and have become more elaborated but I really feel as though I’m stuck..
    Thanks for sharing, nice to know others have similar experiences and that we are not alone.
     
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  14. am724

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    Its interesting when I was younger being in a straight relationship definitely helped me repress the gay thoughts more easily and allowed me to create an image of me as a straight guy who had occasional gay fantasies. However the longer the relationship went on the more the gay fantasies would come back. If I wasn't married and had another straight relationship I am fairly sure even after the initial novelty of a new relationship I'd be back to longing for a gay relationship. It's one of the reasons I think I am more gay than bi. I am not sure I'd even bother with a straight relationship now.
     
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  15. Joolz66

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    When you say you are longing for a gay relatiionahip, what are the things that you imagine? I look back now to my teen years and beyond and can see that even when I was deep in denial, the most intense and "forbidden" fantasies wern't just the sexual aspects but the sex combined with imagining living with another guy, being together and enjoying our uniqueness, our gayness and acknowledging each others sexuality. They were the fantasies which both stimulated me most but terrified me at the same time and the ones which I buried most deeply. Even now with a level of self acceptance they are the thoughts which push me back into the closet
     
  16. Lgbtqpride

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    You should accept yourself, love yourself.There is noting wrong with being gay. I found that most man prefer the companionship of man more than woman. If you don accept yourself now, you might regret in your later life. You will have the chance to find your true love only after you have come out. I hope you can be yourself and be happy.
     
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  17. am724

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    All the things that make up a relationship really, from getting to know someone, first date, first kiss and the becoming more intimate and comfortable with someone, where you know you just want to be with someone. I love the thought of all that but with a guy.
     
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  18. MapleCross

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    it is easy for me to say own your true self, but like many others I repressed my gayness because society thought it was wrong and that if I wanted to be normal i should have a heterosexual orientation and relationships. The problem with this is that it is not what is truly natural for me. If you want to be happy then you need too come out to yourself and admit who you truly are and follow the consequences of this. I know it is scary but it is worth overcoming the fear and finding an authentic life for yourself.
     
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  19. NotTooLoud

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    The similarity between your description and my own situation in incredible! For me, the very handsome window salesman was the last straw. He was just showing us the replacement windows that we were considering purchasing for our house (my wife was there, too!). And he was wearing a very tight T-shirt and each time he leaned forward to show me something new or to get another item out of his case, his nipple would touch me! (Like on my bare arm, or my shoulder, or my chest -- Jeez!). My heart was beating so fast I thought I cannot continue with this charade. The forces in the world were trying to tell me something that day (I truly believe this, still) and I had better listen, before it's too late.

    I moved out in February of last year and our divorce was final last December. OMG, after being together for such a long time, it was really frightening to be single, and she was so angry and bitter, which made everything very much worse. But my life has been so much better since then; I feel human again. It was like I had stuffed so much of my real emotions and feelings for so many years that I was really living, and now I can.
     
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  20. Joolz66

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    The joy of your liberation resonates in your writing..
     
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