So, in writing a reply, I tried to explain my own experiences with my gender identity (or lack thereof). I just planned on it being a simple reply, but when I was done and saw how much it had ballooned and how much emotion came out, I owed it to myself to start a new thread about it and hopefully get some much needed helpful feedback. I started questioning my gender identity (a term I had never heard of at the time) way before my sexual orientation. In fact, it was before I had even really gone through puberty, so I didn't even really have much for sexual desire at the time I suppose. I was about 12 or 13 and I started going into chat rooms pretending to be female. Sometimes I would engage in "cyber sex," but honestly I was just happier just passing in real conversation with another female. I just liked the feeling of being though of as female, even if it only was online. When I became a little more educated in the next couple years (still totally ignorant) I started to think I might be a transsexual. I would do guy things during the day (play football, hockey, wrestle, though I would have rather been at home just playing video games anyway. I was never that competitive... or good at these sports for that matter either =/ ) but I never really brought my gender into question during my day to day activities. I didn't think of myself as super masculine, but I didn't think of myself as any less of a guy then the other's either. But then there were a lot times (usually at home at night) when I would just envy the hell out of women. Times where for a whole month I might just dream about being a female. I would go online and search for crazy stuff like magic potions or science fiction technology that could just change me in an instant. I would lie in bed and pray to God, Jesus, and Mary all individually. I knew that my church preached that God made me the way I was supposed to be and I should be happy like that. So I knew it seemed contradictory for me to pray for change, but in my mind, if God changed me, that was the only way I could know the change was according to his will, and not a sin. I spent most of my prayer time associated with this praying to Mary though. I tried bargaining, saying stuff like, if she changed me that I would be able to make good come from it. I would be able to end sexism, and show the power of God, and do whatever God bid of me. I would then refrain from trying to touch my body, just envisioning in my mind that it had worked. When I woke I would check excitedly, even though I knew it wouldn't have. I also entertained the idea that perhaps I would just "switch bodies" for with a girl I knew for a day. Even a day would be amazing. In fact, just an hour or two ago, I was watching a "feminization" video on youtube, in which this woman like puts makeup utensils up to the camera, creating the illusion she's putting them on you. I know it was probably intended as a sexual fetish, but the feeling it gave me wasn't sexual at all. Like I felt like she was really putting it on me, and like I just get this wave of euphoria in femization situations like that (stressing in a nonsexual way). Its like this thought of being female or perceived as female makes my brain just shoot out tons of dopamine and make me feel all tingly and just.... good. So yeah, it is quite confusing... As with all the gender identity threads, I love to discuss, but I feel frustrated because no matter how much I discuss it, I don't feel any closer to know what will really make me happy. I don't feel the urge to be female all the time, but when I do its so incredibly intense. Still, its not like I ever have a feeling of "Oh I'm so happy I'm a guy." That's never happened. As always, I wish I had real advice to give, but I'm as lost as anybody on this one. I feel kind of confused and sad now. Its easy to explain that I'm sexually attracted to men. Its a lot harder trying to explain this feeling to people... I know its kind of a massive wall of text, but I really just need some feedback...
Was gonna go to bed, but I'll make a quick reply I know. Talking only gets you so far. I know what you mean. I'muncertain how to progress myself. Been talking a bit to some RL friends about it lately. Mostly only one girl I know. That helps a bit too. I don't think you should expect yourself to either. Most of the time you're yourself preoccupied with every day stuff. I think that's more to the point. Being referred to as a guy/man is uncomfortable or strange. Being referred to as a girl/woman is fine. That sometimes happened in real-life when I was a kid as my haircut was pretty much all that made me look like a boy. Kinda makes me want to experiment with an androgynous style to see what happens. Dunno ... Meh, sex is simple. I have never managed to explain to girls I've dated why I'm not very interested in using my "gear" as they expect. I just want the intimacy. Assuming we have something useful to say ...
i can onyl say so much because i too am questioning my gender but i want u to know that u arent alone.there is thousands of peopel otu there who are either a.guestioning their gender or b.trying to accept what their gender is..and theres alot of people who can relate to u or r goign thru the same things as u r right now..like me.i knwo it has to help a lil knowing that people right now at this minute(including me)r havign the same exact feeligns as u..ik its hard but i am here for u if u ever need to talk..just give urself time
Thanks JBU. Veronica, its not like being referred to as a guy makes me feel bad. It just doesn't make me feel much of anything, whereas the thought of being referred to as female makes me feel good.
Sorry to double post, but I am just feeling really depressed about this stuff tonight... I just wanna emphasize how much this is bothering me.
You need to seek professional assistance. Talk to a gender therapist. Try contacting your local LGBT center and meet with some other people like you. It can help knowing there are others out there. You need to remember that gender dysphoria is a real mental affliction and can be treated.
I'm going to agree with Dhamma here Jon. Get help. I've been going through a lot myself - as I'm sure you know, only for me it was more of a sudden realisation, that made me aware of all the 'weird' thoughts and behaivours I'd been displaying over the years and what they might actually mean. I recently spent an evening explaining to my parents that I plain need Professional Psychological help. It was a real shock for them, because I've never even so much as hinted at needing a doctor - and while I feel bad for lying to them (I said I was depressed, not depressed because I was questioning my gender) - their agreement to take me to a psych has alleviated some of the mounting pressure I felt over the past two days. It was literally getting to the point where I couldn't even conceive getting through the next day or the next hour - without just exploding in frustration at my inability to do anything about my gender. Anyway - this post was mainly to let you know that no matter how bad things may get - you've got friends on here - that are going through similar stuff - and wanna support you in every way possible. Chin up. Things will get better. _
I have to say that i did all of the things you mentioned in your post Snow, Imagining it would happen, looking for spells/potions, praying for God to change me, even pretending to be female in online games. The realization that i am a guy has never made me happy, but in those moments when the fantasies seems to be real, like they're actually coming true/happening it is sheer bliss, pure happiness, and i feel like i actually belong. Not sure how old I was when I started feeling this way, but im 19 now, first i remember is around 5th grade or earlier (can't remember which house i was in when i first started wishing to be female but it could have been 3rd or 4th grade as well.) (this is random order of your points but i'm a random person so...) As far as doing sports, i was always VERY competitive and still am. I did every type of sport I could all the way through high school but, looking back, I feel like this was to try and keep busy and fight away thoughts of questioning my gender. just like you though, I do not always feel that complete desire to be female but it is always there, always surfaces stronger than before eventually. I definately agree with Veronica in that you cant constantly register those thoughts though because there are other activities that keep us preocupied in our daily lives. Overall, I feel like counseling/therapy would be your best route. A professional will be more adept at sorting though your thoughts than i can possibly hope to. Even still, I'd like to offer any assistance i can. I wish you the best of luck with everything and really hope i helped! p.s- Don't be depressed, we're (everyone... i mean EVERYONE) here for you!
Thanks for the advice guys. I can't say that I'm feeling much better, but its nice to know that people care.
