Stereotypes

That little voice in your head is confusing gender expression with sexual orientation. Trust me I am way too familiar with that little voice. It's locked me in the closet for decades. I'm 37 and I'm only just starting to come out to MYSELF.

I wear skirts and dresses exclusively, I literally own two pairs of pants which are reserved strictly for camping and home maintenance.

I wear makeup almost every day

Vintage hair styling is one of my favorite hobbies.

I believe garter belts and fancy lingerie are everyday wear, not just for special occasions.

I have a ludicrous amount of shoes.

I'm a lesbian

Your gender has absolutely nothing to do with who you're attracted to. Don't let that annoying little voice keep you from honestly and the possibility of true love. (*hug*)

 

Ms. Meme has it exactly right.

That voice in your head is saying, effectively, that you can't be a lesbian, because you are feminine. That is ridiculous, because lesbians (as well as bisexual women) come in all kinds of flavors (*evil grin*): feminine, butch, unisex, Amazon, pixie, you name it. If you look around, you'll find that there are even quite a few *different* lesbian stereotypes...and femme and "lipstick lesbian" are definitely among them.

Meme is feminine and is a lesbian.

I wear about 50/50 skirts or pants (and an occasional dress), my hair is long but I don't fuss over the styling much...and I'm bisexual...huh, maybe there *is* a pattern here, eh? Let your little voice mull that one over.

The only constant I've noted among women is that we *all* seem to have a ludicrous amount of shoes.

 

I was like that from the moment I knew I was attracted to girls until the day I realized it doesn't matter what I look like. I'm extremely girly and femme and I like cute, pink things and skirts and make up and all that jazz.

That same voice kept telling me, "You're not gay because you look like a girl," and I would listen to it. I started dressing in boyish clothes: guy shirts, larger jeans, guy shoes...but it was uncomfortable and I didn't feel me. I felt like a doll, because I didn't allow myself to dress how I liked and wanted. That voice did.

If you feel comfortable doing your hair, wearing make up and dresses and skirts, so be it; you like it, end of story. That's just you being you, and you should never have to change yourself to fit into a stereotype or a standard set by society.

So voice, shut the hell up.

 

You'd be amazed at how many people have had the same thoughts, both about themselves and others. What our personal doubting Thomas voices forget that the stereotype we do not adhere to is one of many stereotypes that exist. It is the one most people think of, and the one most play upon, but it is by no means an absolute truth when it comes to how we present ourselves.

It is funny though, our voices concentrate on us being too girly and yet forget about the stereotypes that exist regarding butches and femmes. If we're too girly to be lesbians then what about femmes .

 

Honestly I’ve never had this problem myself. Other people have had it about me though. I expected people to be surprised by the news that I was dating a woman (I had been married to a man for 5 years and a few months and only dated men before him) but what I didn’t expect was why they were surprised. Apparently my past dating history had less to do with their surprise that I’m lesbian/bi than how I dress, act, and wear my hair. I wear jeans, various colors of t-shirts and hoodies (including pink), and sneakers 90% of the time but that is mostly because of where I live. It’s cold, wet, and windy here a good portion of the time. If it ever gets nice then I break out my few skirts and flip-flops. My hair is long, though it lives in a ponytail because of wind and toddlers. I don’t wear a hint of make-up unless it’s a very special occasion. And yes, I have gobs of shoes (despite normally wearing 1 of 2 pairs lol). As for your little voice, it’s just confused. How you like to dress has absolutely nothing to do with determining your sexuality.

 

^ This ^

 

Also, there's an entire subset of lesbians who will only date femmes. Butch-femme relationships are downright trendy in big cities right now.

There are some advantages to being a femme. For one, you won't get harassed on the street for being gay. You'll get to choose which people you want to disclose your sexual orientation to. I'm super jealous of femmes for that; it's their superpower.

I had the opposite problem. I am pretty masculine, and when I first came out I felt horrible about all the ways I conform to the stereotypes. I tried to fight it and wear makeup and really girly clothes, not wear my keys on a carabiner, walk with my hips instead of my shoulders... drove myself crazy and finally had to give up.

You might also be interested to know that "butch" and "femme" exist on a continuum. On the extreme ends are high femmes and stone butches and towards the middle are soft butches and androgynous femmes. From what you've said in your post, it sounds like you might be andro-femme.

Google "femme invisibility." I think the results you get will relevant to your interests.

 

Hi,

Stereotypes are beyond useless. In my opinion there are far many more gays who fit no stereotype.

If you look at the 80/20 rule based in factor sparcity 20% of inputs results in 80% of the outputs. If you apply this to the LGBT stereotypes only 2 out of 10 LGBT fit a stereotype.

With many people questioning sexuality as you are you can see why there is confusion that results by thinking about stereotypes.

Look at the numbers who live in the closet, look at the numbers suddenly realing they are gay later in life, look at the numbers of gender-normative behaviour. How many other categories could we come up with.

Think of this way... Society notes "different" and bases steer types on those that act different. Many gays do not act "different" and are not seen.

All stereotypes do in my opinion is to repress/suppress/confuse the LGBT community.

You say you are questioning "gay" because you fit no stereotype, well my brother could not believe I was gay because I fit no stereotype and I am gay.

 

I know lesbians at my school and lesbian youtubers who are just as feminine as straight girls. There's a wide variety of lesbians, and you may be the lipstick lesbian type.

 

I'm six foot one and weigh over 200 lbs.
I'm quite hairy, and don't shave below the neck.
I speak in a fairly low voice, with few hand gestures.
I wear a T-shirt and jeans 360 days a year.
I listen to rock music.
I have season tickets to a contact sport, and often go to the bars with the team members after the game.

...and I'm attracted to (only) guys.
So I'm gay.
Oddly, I never really had much problem with this. And neither has anyone else.

Lex

 

What your talking about makes perfect sense.

I grew up playing sports and addicted to video games...hardly the hobbies of what is supposed to be stereotypical for a gay kid. So I used that as an excuse to keep be from being my true self. Turns out lgbt people are just as diverse as everyone else.

 

Good man. :icon_wink

 

Back in my youth, I was a d&d-playing computer nerd with an interest in Star Wars and Star Trek movies, who sat around listening to 80's tunes and Pink Floyd.

I hate shopping and have zero fashion sense. I wear jeans and t-shirts if I'm not working.
Not into theatre, Madonna, Britney Spears, or Lady Ga-Ga. I prefer camping, hiking, and short trips around the province. My voice is kind of soft, but not at all feminine, just comfortable. I do cook very well, but not often. I'm rather a junk-food junkie. My straight best friend actually commented that he'd make a better gay guy than I do. I don't even have a gaydar... or maybe it's broken. IDK. I'm kind of clueless that way.

People comment that I'm strikingly like Sheldon from, "The Big Bang Theory".

Hardly stereotypical.

 

WAAAAAIT a minute lol, I didn't even read it all, but there is NO specific way you have to look or act to be gay! Don't feel like you need to change yourself if you're happy with the way you look :icon_bigg

 

Funny thing is the actor Jim Parsons who plays Sheldon from,"The Big Bang Theory" is gay!

 

I just have to say, that I agree with everything here. I fit no stereotype myself (except for being a bit of a theatre nut), but like Lex, hold season tickets to a sporting event (OK, well a 15 game plan in my case), don't shave below the neck, have a deep voice, etc etc etc.

In fact, I wrote a thread because it was very cathartic to do so. It can be applied to lesbians as well, simply replacing the appropriate references. I really should have written it more gender-neutral, come to think of it......

 

I have always dressed somewhat butch but with pink/pastels mixed in. I was dressing "the part" before I figured out "the part". However, I am so totally girl under all of that. I grew up with five brothers, no sisters. I have three sons, no daughters. All but one of my cousins on my dad's side are male. Hmmm, do ya' think I might have had an influence there? We dress in what we feel comfortable no matter our orientation. Don't feel any less lesbian because you are femme. I don't feel any less feminine because I dress in jeans, t-shirts, and hiking boots.

 

Biotech49 I grew up the opposite.In an all female household where ultra girly was the law or meant you were a lesbian. Kind of funny now....

 

Glad somebody mentioned gender expression vs sexuality issue, because that confusion is generally the cause of this "stereotyping." Although we all know that stereotypes "help" people distinguish from one another, we do live in 21 century and one would assume that maybe, just maybe, we are not all that homogenous. So, point is, don't let other's surprised looks/opinions sway you into doubting yourself, and do not adjust your gender expression unless it is authentic to who you are and you feel the most comfortable it it.
For me personally, gender expression was a huge issue. I grew up very artistic and into music, so the lines between what was appropriate and what not for a girl were always blurred. I had combat boots, chain wallets, leather jackets and whole thing. But I was still confused.
I was married to a guy for 3.5 years, whose family tried to "straighten me out" in terms of gender expression. I tried my best to be as feminine as it was "appropriate for a lady." Well, let me tell you, I never felt like a lady, and it was not authentic to who I was. I was glad that happened though, as I was miserable, with severe depression and other issues, and this helped me come out to myself and out of the relationship. I am now fully androgynous (minus the rocker look) and happy to be who I am. People still sometimes hope I am straight just because I am in music (and there are a lot of confusing girls in this area, it would be so much easier if orientation was something that was marked you our foreheads, but you know, it's life, we just have to make the best of it). I wish you all the best, and try to not fall for those stereotypes, as every personality has a right to exists in its purest form (unless you are a psychopath, then you should probably get help. Good day.