Long story short - mid 20s female, came out as lesbian as a teenager and family has been fine with it. As a child, I'd daydream about growing up and the image would be my head on a male's body. Didn't think much of it. At about 11 or 12, I remember my mum asking me a couple of times if I wanted to be a man (I said no). Then, around 13 or 14 my dad said in passing that I should have been born a boy. I expressed myself outwardly with my appearance, I still do, in many ways, with my hair, clothing and tattoos. I also found that I fulfilled some of my inherent gender daydreams by working out. A day doesn't go by where I don't think about getting bigger and more muscular. I haven't been in a relationship for a long time but I've just started something up with a girl. Getting called 'beautiful' makes me squirm. Letting any feminine mannerisms slip upsets me. I question over and over again why I see 'lesser' men blessed with being a man. I question what I want. Whether I can live the rest of my life in this body. But here's the thing: I cannot change my gender. I don't think I can suffer the whispers etc at work, which is a large company and have worked there for many years so I know a lot of people. But I fixate on not being able to grow a beard. Feeling ashamed of my breasts. I don't tend to worry too much about what's between my legs though so I can still enjoy sex. The thought of any surgery or permanently changing my body scares me with the thoughts of it going wrong. I feel stuck as a woman. I feel jealous of men just being able to be men. I don't even know why I'm posting here. I thought it would make me feel better, as I've never told this to anyone. But I don't feel better. I feel exposed and weak, as much as I do when walking into the ladies toilet waiting for the challenge because of my appearance. Is there an answer to what I am feeling? Or is this one of life's great unanswered questions that will always linger and taint every experience I have. Any views welcome, thanks.
You sound to me to be more on the masculine side than feminine side. Is it correct if I assume that you feel you would have preferred to have been born male? Do you feel discomfort with your body? If so, do you feel discomfort because you feel "this isn't me" or because "this is not what I want people to see me as" (or both)? It seems to me you're uncomfortable with the box society has put you in, the expectations you've had to shoulder which do not resonate with who you feel you are. Could you elaborate a bit more?
I would have preferred to be born male, if I had the choice. The discomfort is kept at bay by my muscular physique, because people now see me as strong in character and body.
I have an idea for you- if you've been at that company for years why don't you start the hormones and transfer somewhere else. It sounds like you have a good long work record.
Thing is, I'm happy at my job. I've worked really hard to get to the level I am at and it's starting to look like I'll live a comfortable future. Starting again at another job would be firstly hard to find another job in this climate and secondly, I'm not sure I want to. I feel like I'm driving uphill and unsure about what's on the other side for me. What I want? Or whether I'll have to put up with what I am forever.
