I'm almost 2 years on HRT, I've publicly come out and changed my legal details and all these little things. That said, i still present male and get deadnamed at work and avoid going out dressed more femininely, I have a fear of bathrooms in public and don't correct people when they misgender me. I don't look, or sound or anything like the average woman and I don't feel like I should be getting angry at people who don't understand or don't immediately get it, and part of me is doing the perfectionist thing of waiting until it gets better before I try and fix it but I feel like I'll never get that confidence to just move past it. I don't want to buy into stereotypical femininity either, I'm rather butch and enjoy being more along those lines, or soft butch, whatever you'd call it, but not trying to buy in an pretend to be something too far the other side also alienates me further. I just don't know how to get the confidence to just be me regardless of, to stop hiding, to stop caring and being just generally afraid of conflict and stuff. It's lame and annoying and restricting. But i know it's an insecurity and imposter syndrome thing because I can't even call myself a lesbian, or ommit the trans and just call myself a woman, or anything like that. Not because I'm not but because I feel like I'm not there yet? Sorry for the rant. Just needed that out somewhere. Living two lives has me so drained and it's my own doing. I should be fighting for myself harder.
I understand wanting to wait until it gets better, however do most of these people know who you were prior to transitioning? In my opinion, I think it's much harder to try and get people to change their view of you if they already know you. If I still lived in my hometown, I would probably still be living a "double life". Though, I know it's not always an option to uproot your life and to move somewhere else. Do you think you could tell one or two people at a time so it doesn't feel too overwhelming? Have a couple people who will advocate for you if someone does misgender you, they can help stick up for you and correct them.
II have actually told everyone but the studio I work for is worried that the conservative students and such would not be comfortable with me so they want to not just drop it and run with it. Most of the students and all the staff know as I'm not quiet about it. That doesn't change that they just sort of choose to ignore it.
