I forced myself to masturbate to gay porn again. I still can't say I was into it but I don't know if I come off because the stimulation i get from the vibrator or I am repressing some thing inside. I am crying right now because it is not something I want. It's not something I desire. I feel like I am torturing myself doing this. I am going to stop because I dont like it but why did I orgasm?
Just that I was able to ejaculate while looking at gay porn. I was basically fighting the stimulation. I really didn't want to but my train of thought was if can ejaculate while looking at gay porn that means I'm bi or gay. I get uncomfortable with the thought of being with a man.
If you don't feel comfortable being with a gender , you are not attracted to them. I would also advise, please do not force yourself to orgasm in an uncomfortable situation... That can not be good for your mental health, it's like low-key raping yourself...
Please, try to not do this anymore. I used to force myself to masturbate to the porn I didn't initially desire as well. What I can tell you about it is that it made me miserable (it felt like a rape) and still affects me almost on a day to day basis. It felt like torture and I think I understand the pain you're in. Chances are you're straight - the thing you describe is extremely unhealthy.
I have to echo jdulin above. If you're not enjoying this, and you find you have to force yourself to watch gay porn, then the best advice I can give is to stop. Porn is designed to elicit a sexual response, regardless of who's watching it - this is why it's not a good indicator of sexual orientation. All that watching porn (any kind of porn) will tell you is that you are sexually stimulated by sexual situations/actions. That's it. It sounds like you're currently seeing a therapist - if so, I would suggest talking with them about this again at the next visit, and that you're having trouble resisting the urge to experiment (even though you already know that you're uncomfortable about being with a guy). They may be able to start suggesting some additional/alternative treatment. Also, if you are able to take some sort of step to remove your access to porn (including gay porn), that might be something worth trying as well. Some devices or service providers have filters that you can turn on to prevent access to adult materials - you could activate that service, and then give someone else the password for it (a friend, relative, etc.), so that you literally don't have the ability to access porn anymore. Best of luck!
Yes! I feel like I have been raping myself. And it has driven me insane. I have no desire in life but I am going to stop. I want to be happy. Nothing wrong with being gay but it isn't who I am. I need to stop this. I feel misreable doing. Thank you guys. Thank you.
